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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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Dear therapist for family relationship issue. We are a family

Customer Question

Dear therapist for family relationship issue. We are a family of four member. Husband, I and 2 young adults (one is a young man 24 years of old and a young college girl who will turn on 21 years soon. I have been prolong problem on depression for a long time ( it can be said that 18 years ago) and still once a while I still stress out. I was committed suicidal in 1999 due to the fact that I had so much works at my place at work. I did not realize that I was into anxiety and panic attacked. Well I was ending in hospital after I went to see psychologist at Group Health. He put a lot of pressure on me to change my habit and the way I was thinking when I was around people. Those people I am talking about that those people who are always so easily taking control and putting pressure on others for their benefits. I have been through rough time and I had to resign my job as a banker employee. Now I work for my husband but you know I have a different stress family!!!! My kids now are in young adults and they are now can themselves do as their wishes. They are born in America and I am Asian American. I came to America when I was 14 years of age. I adapted quite a lot American culture but still once a while doing things similar to my culture would do. I am very carefully how to teach my children and I do give them a lot of freedom to choose may be I spoil them too. My children are growing up while I was been through with depression and I really understand their suffering within our relationship in the family. I admitted that sometime I did treat them bad because of my impatient and temper (you know those depression bill for long time I took in the past that they affected my mood as well). Now I am dealing a problem with my daughter (who now is living at East coast for studying). She resent me, her brother, her dad for what she is now may be in to depression. She said she has been having rough time over there for 2 years now but she also said that she has found friend and teacher being so good to her and comfort her better than all of us family (bloodline). She said that she want to be alone and avoid seeing us or talking to us for a while to see if we have any change. Dear therapist being a mother I have try to do the best for my children but sometimes making mistakes too. I did apologize to her for several times but she said I never did. I miss her a lot now and she does not feel comfortable to come home around us. I do not know that couple of time she have so many excuses so that she does not have come home visiting us. The worst thing is now I am seeking for your advise what I should do. She came home once for visiting her long time ago in high school but not let us know and my son accidently walked across her but she did not seem to notice and acted as stranger. My son did text her but ending she lied and then e-mail to my son for her behaviors. She blamed a lot about me in the past and my depressed caused her life damaging. I am scare to lose her Please help me if you can give me advices what I should do to have her understanding and visit us and just know that we are here for her when she needs us and don't feel alone over the other side. Please help me. Thanks
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.

Dear client, thanks for asking JA. I am also from another country and have grown adult children. I understand how difficult it is to have children who have become Americanized. I am sorry about the pain this is causing you. I see how much your love your daughter and how much you miss her. I think the way to get her to be back is by letting her having this time away for right now. You can call and tell her that you miss spending time with her. Don't put any guilt on her because as I know from my kids it backfires. Please do not feel guilty about the past you were the best mother you could be. Your daughter now needs her indipendence to grown and learn but she is not doing that to hurt you but it is very American for kids to go away grow change and come back adults. When she talks about the past tell her that you are sorry and you wish you could change it. Tell her how proud you are of her studing and being so indipendent. The more you try to have her visit you the more she pushes away. Imagine is someone is pulling you and you don't want to be pulled then you pull away. I think if you stop pulling her to come to you she will miss you and come to see you. How is her father dealing with all this? Maybe you can go to visit her. If she is open to that. Just send her love and don't push she will come back this is only temporary. Try to find ways to have fun without her for now. I know is hard. My daughter leaves far also. I know the pain of missing a daughter, but I also know that you have to let her fly and be free so she will come back to you. I know she will forgive you and love you more especially after she has kids. Somehow having kids makes everyone love their mother more because we see how hard this is. I love you find some comfort in your friends, husband and son. Don't forget those who are there.

My daughter has come closer to me after she is a mother. Age brings wisedom. Be patient and kind to her and she be back.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Dear Penne:


 


Hi this is Jenny. Thank you for your prompt answer to my depression question about my daughter and me. Yet, I thank you so much for your advice. I am again in tears so much for that I have to go through this missing her again in my life. Before I seek for the help I can tell you honestly that I already knew it should be like you said in America life style for young adult kids. I just pray to God a lot to keep me alive for such a long time since I had killed myself because of works stress. I have to give up my hobby and ambitious for my family but I guess they do not know instead being to blame for running away. I did not tell you about my husband thou. He came from Vietnam also. He is 100% Vietnamese culture influences. However I had asked him from the time marriage until we are died please do not abuse me just like women in Vietnam. I like to have some freedom to do my ambitious and he said yes. But you know it just not like that. Between his family back home and me I now realize that he would favor on his family for no whether what is wrong or right. Well, I am very sad and lonely sometimes a lot but I can not share with anyone accept my kids. Now also my husband like to casino too!!! that it makes it so worse. Though he has goodness himself that he does take care financial for all of us. He is a mechanic and now I work for him. We have our small family business for such a long time. I am worried for him a lot. Although I know that he needs sometimes to have fun but he now doing stay up all nights 3 or 4 times per week to go to casino after work long hours. I do not care anymore about his health since I do not know how many years to advising him we have children to taken care while they are in school. He is a person never share any feeling to anyone. He also keep within him. He loves his family in Vietnam a lot and here too. I do love him because of this but still I do not want to accept if he can not figure it out what is wrong and right to advocate matters. I did not let him know about our daughter behavior since he does not often pay attention to the kids. He also never spend time for the kids in the past just sometimes he yelled at them if he saw things wrong. (against his way of thinking). By the way now I just need to do as you advise and I think I should be agree with you too but you know I cry every night since she left New York for studying (just about 3 years now). She was fine the last 2 years but now she is changing. I am sorry to hear about you has the experiences in the past and you came from different county too just like I was. Now I will try to contact her if she is not response I guest I have to come over there to see her and have mother and daughter talks. I will say sorry for a long time I did not realize she kept those cruel inside of her I just want her to be a good girl and be strong in this so cruel society. Thank you a lot for your advices. Love and love you I wish I can see you in person thou. Jenny regards

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.

Hello Jenny you seam like a loving caring woman who has faced a lot. Just keep praying that your daughter will find her way to you. I am sorry about your husband it seams like a lonely life. I have to tell you that finding dear friends in the community or Church from your own culture will help you so much! Many mother go through the same separation with their children. The possitive thing is that you did a good job with your daughter so she is College studing. It is good for herself that she is indipendent because indipendent women are treated better by men. I know you want her to be treated well and loved. She will come back I can see that you have so much love in your heart for her and your love will bring her back. She is probably busy having fun. I think it is your time to have fun. To find what makes you happy in life, outside your kids and husband. What is your hobby? I hope you can find that and a good community to support you. I wish I live near you but I don't. I can give you advice on this cite on a regular basis if you would like.

Please rate my service good or more so I can get paid.

Good luck to you.

Penny

Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience: I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
Penny Rayas, MFT and 4 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.
Hello Jenny I wonder how are you doing? I hope you are feeling a bit better and life is treating you well
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Dear Penny: Thank you for your following up to my very difficulty being a mother. As so far I share the problem a little bit with my mother who is grandma to my daughter. She said that she already know about her personality. She also agrees with you that I have to try to come to my daughter no matter what is wrong and right. She is young and she is trying to be independent and she wants to take up her decision. But though I do not know how to get over east coast to stay with her for a while if she accepts and happy for me over there. May be I have to give a more time but I am not sure. I texted her 2 time but I have not get reply yet. I am little worried but I know this week she is In final examination for all the classes. I do not bother her at this point neither push her to answer. Well, I am really do not know what I have to do.......I am afraid she still not want to talk to me it is so hard to read her mind right now since I do not have her response. I hope she is not trying to run away nor avoid to talk to me and the rest of family.. o My dear God why it is so hard but I do not want anything bad happens to her. What should I have to do????? Jenny

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXXny, as a mother I understand how you are worried about your daughter. Maybe a short sweet message to her such as honey I am thinking of you and wish you good luck with your finals. I love you mom, no need to feel th e pressure to call me call me when you have free time. The reason is because you don't want her to feel the pressure to call you if she has no time. I am sure she misses you but maybe feels pressured. After her finals live a message with her that you and your husband will go to visist and will spend some time with her. Give her some times that you will be there on the east coast but also plan to have some fun save some money to do things around there. Say we allwways wanted to visit the east coast so we are staying in a hotel to go see this and this place. Can you give us some times that we can visit? Let us know what is the best day. Try to not have expectations from her, she may say this is a busy time not a good time to visist. You ask what is a good time? June? what day? Say you are trying to plan. Maybe you can bring her brother also who with you. I don't think she is running away. I think young women in College get busy having fun and studing and it is hard to call the parents. Other young girls are around her who also don't call much. Just pray and not push too much but plan a trip to go see her. Yes give it sometime. I think you have to talk to you mother everytime you feel down. All mothers go through this and she will say yes this is normal. I think try to find a hobby or something that is only for you away from your kids. Something you love to do that bring you joy for now. Art, cooking, yoga, anything that will create a better fun life for you. It is your time to have fun! Is there something you always wanted to do and never had time to do it?
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience: I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
Penny Rayas, MFT and 4 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Dear Penney: Thanks for your ideas and I will follow as your advices that I thought it is very good. Also thank you for your listing of step by step that what I and family back home should do without pressures on my daughter. I think you are right I have been building so much pressures and demanding/expecting her to respond immediately for such a long time. I just texted her yesterday and she said that she is very busy doing finals and she is neglecting her home. I still do not know why she is neglecting her home since you are now explaining to me. Actually, I was in her position when I was young too.... Thank you for your follow up with me sometimes thanks Jenny with a lot of regards.

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.
Dear Jenny is such a pleassure to work with you. You are such a kind Soul. God bless you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks and may God bless your family too I will in contact with you sometime. Regards,

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 1 year ago.

Let me know how it goes. :)

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