How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband has withdrawn from the family. He spends much of

Resolved Question:

My husband has withdrawn from the family. He spends much of his "spare time" laying in bed and is not communicative. He works four 12 hour days and is then off for 5 days. After working or on his days off, he spends most of his time in the bedroom and generally only comes out for dinner. He likes to pick fights with my children mostly - and I feel I am having to be the referee. The battles he is choosing seem to be small things that do not really matter, for example our 21 year old talking to the dog in the living room while he is in the bedroom, tells her to shut up - calls her a F'ing retard. I express my dissatisfaction with the way he handles situations like that and I am told I always pick their side. I am all for him asking her to keep it down - but the name calling is ridiculous. If our 17 year old doesn't watch movies with him or get him a pop when called on, he threatens to take the car usage away. Says things like "if you don't watch a movie with me right now, have fun walking to school tomorrow". I have about had it! He used to affect me and I would cave in - but now, I just leave him be and ignore his behavior, unless he is being rude and demeaning to the girls.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this serious and frustrating marital and family reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long have your husband presented all these serious issues?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From the isolation and lack of activity, to the abusive behaviors and lack of good parenting?

Customer:

I would say it has gotten worse since the passing of his father 6 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Most times people presenting similar behaviors use to suffer of depression, and since not knowing how to cope with it, their negative feelings from it turn into anger and relationship problems. Then this is about chronic issues present for several years and worsened by grief.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is even more serious because it clearly shows very abusive behaviors, poor parenting and lack of healthy and fulfilling marital and family sharing, what totally undermines the overall well-being of each of you as individuals and as a family. If you have even tried counseling and it hasn't worked, I assume it was because of his inability and/or unwillingness to work on his personal issues, to acknowledge the problems he creates and to take full responsibility for his actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Any support could only be helpful if the very person is willing to make changes as a responsible adult, to rehabilitate from his personal problems, like depression, poor anger control and any other, in order to be able to make changes and improvements in his relationships with those who are supposed to be the most important people in his life, his wife and children.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am afraid that time would only deepen what is already there, so worsening these core issues, and you nor your children deserve any form of neglect or abuse. Children are literally shaped in their personalities by the type of attachment , parenting and sharing their get from parents, then it is truly sad and concerning to see this serious situation has been going on for years.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The only approach I could recommend you to consistently implement there is for you and your children to set healthy and clear boundaries and limits, where you would have to support and protect them, in order to control and reduce the abuse episodes as much as possible, thus the level of destructive family conflict, even when doing so, would initially, and for a while create new conflicts, which in my opinion are necessary for you to protect yourselves and reduce abuse-neglectful behaviors.

Customer:

He used to be very close to our 17 year old - but that has recently changed as she is fed up with the way he treats her. I have suggested that he talk with someone - about his feelings regarding the loss of his father. He always says he is fine and he handled it just fine. He was closest to his mother growing up. He had some bond with his father but called on his mom usually. That used to be an interesting dynamic, and she too is manipulative and pouts when she doesnt get her way, however he tends to ignore her when she is acting this way - he doesnt see that he does the same things. I have learned to choose my battles with him and our daughters.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In any relationship, without basic "mutual" respect, nothing healthy would be possible, abuse, neglect and manipulation would become core patterns and the consequences would be unavoidable in the present and the future. Your children will build their own lives as adults based on what they learn and receive from you as parents, this is why it's so important to work on setting boundaries here and not allowing further abuse.

Customer:

I hear what you are saying, it is something I have probably known deep down - but felt I could continue to be supportive to the girls and atleast provide one healthy aspect. It is becoming very out of control, expecially with the name calling - thank goodness it is never physical, but emotional is probably worse - it is a deeper scar that probably NEVER goes away.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about these serious issues. confirming how they are rooted n his personality and life from long ago. Without he taking full responsibility for his feelings, choices and action, including his rehabilitation process, nobody would be able to help him. On the other hand, your children and you need and deserve to have a healthy and fulfilling lives, and this is why as long as you stay together, you would need to improve the way you cope with it through better boundaries, limits and assertiveness. your children are not little anymore, they would build their own lives sooner or later.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, I have to say that I agree with you %100. verbal, emotional and psychological abuse and neglect are much worse than physical abuse, even more when they come from a parent, that's why it is so serious and important for you to continue working on how to protect and take better care of yourselves.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very sad, since many times people end finding partners with similar issues-features their own parents presented unless they happened to heal from abuse, they end self-sabotaging and enabling their own abuse-neglect.

Customer:

I too have my fair share of idiosyncrasies, trust me! I used to carry on and fight about stupid things too - but as I am getting older, those stupid little petty things are no longer worth it to me. He picks on our 21 year old - she is pretty independent and does her own thing - and he goes after her pretty hard sometimes. Threatens to take the car away for talking back...


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it's very sad since he is just destroying their relationship and pushing her away from him, while negatively impacting her future too and not in simple, but serious ways.

Customer:

I could go on and on! I think it is escalating - because the younger one who used to do no wrong in his eyes is also under attack. The way he manipulates (or tries) is disgusting!

Customer:

Thank you for your response. I think I know what needs to happen - much of it is timing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, and it makes sense, as I just said, time uses to reinforce whatever is there, of healthy or destructive. he has built his life already but your children are just starting their own journeys, and these serious issues around abuse and neglect do not help at all but ruin their own chances for creating healthy and fulfilling lives themselves.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. I am sorry to confirm the bad news, but it is necessary to come to terms with reality in order to take better care of yourselves.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Customer:

Our oldest is seeing a therapist - and I think I will follow that path for the youngest until I can get my things in order.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, that is the wisest approach, and very necessary in my opinion, please take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education