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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I got engaged in January 2012 to woman that I love dearly.

Customer Question

I got engaged in January 2012 to woman that I love dearly. So back in November I had a random message from a female in North Carolina on a Social Media Web Site. So I replied to her. And everyday she would send me a message and I would respond. Just thinking I was being nice and enjoyed chatting with her. So our chats became deeper and deeper and out of hand. Something that I didn't see coming but I got wrapped up into our chatting. At that time I had already given her my cell number so she could text me. So in January 2013 my fiancee picked up my cell phone one morning as I was in the shower. After I finished dressing she confronted me about it. I didn't know what to really say i was embarrassed about the situation because I knew I had hurt her. So I told her what had happened and she told me to text her and tell her that I was engaged. So I did just that. The female in N.C. text back and said okay. So about a week later my fiancee told me that she would feel better if I blocked her number. So I did just that. Everything started to get better I thought. Then in March while cleaning the kitchen she told me that the female that I was talking to had a boyfriend. I said okay, and that I hadn't thought no more about it. I am a Police Officer to let you know. In April we had a big concert in our town that I was instructed to work. So on April 13 I went and worked the concert which my fiancee knew about since December 2012. So all this time this media affair had been bother her which I didn't know anything about. She had shown signs of confrontation from time to time. But after a long discussion she asked for me to give her some time and space to get the hurt out of her. Is this normal for a man to get caught up in this type of situation? And is my fiancee going to be able to recover from my actions?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Customer:

Thanks

Customer:

So what are your thoughts

Customer:

Hello

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. This type of scenario is not uncommon, social media and the internet have opened a huge universe of new challenges and potential issues around sharing, friendships, relationships, flirting, virtual realities and the possibility to play roles and expose ourselves to engage in behaviors we would not do that easily through face to face interactions.

Customer:

I agree

Customer:

I have never done anything like this before

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you were able to fully acknowledge what happened, taking responsibility for it, and were honest about totally ending this relationship, then, that's the best anybody in your shoes could do about it...

Customer:

It hurts me to know I did this and went this far with it

Customer:

I havent had any type of contact with this female since that day i ended it

Customer:

I never want something like this to happen again

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

On the other hand, it is essential to understand how hurt your fiancee could be feeling because of it. Women could react in very different ways, some could cope with it better than others, and some who truly push themselves to heal and move on, could find themselves unable to do so.

Customer:

I feel like I was draw in, but on the other hand I am a grown man and know better

Customer:

Make no mistake I never met this person or anything in that manner

Customer:

So do you think giving her time is the best thing i can do

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right. What i see is that you are holding accountability for it, taking consistent action after learning from this mistake, and doing your best to promote healing and your fiancee's trust. That's what you can and should control; everything else in how this evolves depends on how she works on it.

Customer:

We are still engaged so I guess that is a good sign i suppose

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I suggest you to totally respect the boundaries she has set, to truly show you respect her, care about her feelings and want to be supportive and fully consistent doing your best to promote healing in your relationship.

Customer:

I agree but it is very hard

Customer:

I guess I want to fix it on my own.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure it is. Again, nobody knows, including her how well she would be able to cope with it tomorrow, but what you know is that doing things the right way, being understanding, patient and supportive, you could offer real help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can only and should only try to control yourself, so focus on making improvements at that level, while showing real respect, empathy and support, taking into account her feelings and boundaries, without pushing her at all.

Customer:

Her Birthday is XXXXX Sunday. Last week before she wanted her her space I ordered her flowers I hope that doesnt mess anything up. Now i cant cancel the order.

Customer:

They will be delivered to her work place

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is a real crisis, and it could lead to the end of your relationship; it could deeply damage it, or it could allow it to mature and get stronger and healthier, it would all depend on how each of you as individuals, and together as a couple work on it.

Customer:

I really regret that this ever happened. I have never done anything like this before. I am ashamed of myself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You know her, her personality, feelings, values, core needs and expectations, fears and issues too, then use such knowledge and understanding in ways to be very supportive, caring and proactive now. She needs to process what happened and gain back or rebuild trust about herself, you and your relationship.

Customer:

I agree totally.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Focus all those feelings in constructive ways, doing so you would heal and grow wiser from this painful situation.

Customer:

You are right. Thanks for the advise. I needed to hear that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can tell you with confidence that many people engaging in these type of behaviors do not use to take full responsibility and change, but relapse and are not truly honest with themselves nor with those around them. In those cases it is truly concerning and sad, but it is not your case, then please be also gentle,, understanding and supportive with yourself, not wasting energy you need to heal and grow from it.

Customer:

Like i said i wished I could change it. But I was honest about what happened and that all i can do.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right. You're very welcome. Thank you for being this open here and for your trust.

Customer:

Thank You for helping me understand this problem better

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am glad to know this has been helpful. If you or you fiancee find it tough to work on your healing process, please consider getting individual and couples counseling as a way to get the best necessary support to work on yourselves.

Customer:

Have a good day

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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