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Hi Bill my Husband is in mid life crises and it hurt really bad. I AM SO DEPRESSED its always just been him and I, we did everything together about 2 1/2 years ago I found out he was havingan affair with an alcoholic woman who also happens to be bipolor. I couldnt believe that my husband could even be with someone like that since he didnt even drink and would never consider being with someone like that. He says things like he wasnt happy but I never felt that at all and know one can believe that he is acting this way. It all started when he got a very stressful job. This not my husband he is evil and acts like i did something to him. I love him so much and want him to come home but i really dont think he wants to. He has been gone for almost 8 months now he is asking for space. He doesnt call, check on me or do anything at the house. e
I'm so sorry for the struggle you are having. It is painful- similar to a death, and you are experiencing grief and loss.
Much of what you describe sounds like it is out of your control. More about where he is in his life, less about anything you have done.
What may make the least amount of sense is how he got involved with this woman- it sounds toxic and dangerous. You must be very concerned about him, along with being hurt and angry.
It's normal for us in such a situation, to try to make sense out of it. When something is so "insane" and out of character- it makes little to no sense.
Midlife or not it is a "crisis". He sounds lost- being in a chaotic and turbulent relationship that you describe, as "sick" as it seems from the outside, may make him feel "alive", there is a lot of "energy" albeit it toxic energy, but energy just the same, emotion, feeling of some kind. He may have begun to feel numb in his life, and this woman, again, as chaotic as it is, it's energy and emotion. This challenge may be an escape for him, takes him away from having to deal with self, or everyday mundane things.
Part of a "midlife" crisis is when one gets about half way in their life when they reflect on where they are, what they've done, what's ahead. It's difficult to comment on where he may be at when I do not know this man, but you wonder if this woman is his "project', someone to save.
You said the trigger to this was when he got a stressful job- what better way to "escape" from the everyday demands and stress of life then entering into a dramatic "reality show". The "real life" t.v. is quite popular as entertainment and an escape for people. It's amazing what a big "draw" dramatic reality t.v. is. In our everyday stressful and demanding lives- watching this stuff is an escape, a get away. Your husband is living this- but it can be similar in the way it can be an "escape" from the demands of his life. He's focused on the stress and demands in her life- takes him away from himself.
This is so very painful for you, makes little to no sense. Like I mentioned above, it's as if there has been a death. The loss of your husband of so many years. To you he's fallen into a dark hole- you'd think he'd simply take your hand, allow you to love and support him.
What has to happen first, however, is he needs to first see it as a hole/problem, and want out, in order to seek the support and change.
You are not the only one who is shocked you mentioned- others are surprised as well. You realize even more how much you have loved this man- especially when you are faced with losing him. You may hold out hope he will recognize how self destructive this is, and how much he has hurt you. It may seem like he has blinders on, does not see what you or others are seeing.
As crazy as this seems- he's getting "something" out of that relationship- for sure real life drama. It could be the challenge?? Unfortunately, when he fell down the hole and entered into this relationship, he has hurt you terribly. That may be one of the things that hurts the most, is that he seems so cold, and as you stated "evil and hateful". What a loss to lose the man you have loved, the man you thought you knew. This forces you into a place where you are trying to make sense out of something that makes NO sense- that can make you feel crazy. As you describe this- you have done nothing to him, you have not cause, created, nor asked for this.
It's important that you have support from family, friends, and maybe a counselor. You are likely going through stages similar to when a loved one dies. Stages of grief- the what ifs, they whys, playing, and replaying, trying to figure out what happened. Anger, resentment, sadness, and eventually to more acceptance. The one true healer when we lose someone is time. Some say it's "almost" easier when the loved one dies, verses such betrayal. In death we realize the finality of the loss. In this type of situation it's in your face over and over again- almost like the death occurred but the coffin keeps popping back up. There is no closure, no end- it hurts you over and over again.
What you need most is support. However you can get that support- do get it. This has shaken your entire world.
The depression you are experiencing is loss/grief.
I'm sorry I missed you on line. I'm going off line for the evening. Please post any additional questions or comments you may have and I will respond back when I am back on line. Thank you for your post tonight.
Hang in there- no doubt about it- this is so very painful.