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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Ive felt like I dont really fit in anywhere. I really didnt

Resolved Question:

I've felt like I don't really fit in anywhere. I really didn't fit in that well in high school but I always had a few good friends that knew me well and that i trusted. It didn't bother me much until I got to be about 19 years old. I had just flunked out of college after always being fairly strong in school. I wanted to do the things I never had a chance to when I flunked out of college, so I drank and smoked pot and tried things i thought i wanted to try. All it did for me was make me more lost. Finally, after I had lost all my friends, lost my job, lost a girl who I was dating (although I was still a virgin until I was 22, which also hurt my confidence), my brother moved out of the apartment we lived into go back to school, I just kinda gave up on myself. I ended up moving in with my alcoholic mom and over the next few years spiraled into binge drinking and depression. It was a rough few years and me and my mom were dysfunctional at best.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I would like to assist you - thank you for your post

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You mentioned your mother as alcoholic. Growing up in an alcoholic can create lots of unresolved shame- feeling you do not fit in, sometimes feeling "defective" in some way.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are likely a sensitive person, have been through a lot in your 27 years.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Often what goes along with the alcoholic and dysfunctional family is "stinkin thinkin". The thinking is not always accurate, and it's typically more on the negative side.

Customer:

Yeah I typically do have negative thoughts and for a guy I'm definitely too sensitive to everything around me. I don't trust people because I think I catch myself thinking they wouldn't care for me if they get to know me. It sucks.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for joining me! I'm glad you posted tonight. You sound like you are seeking some support, relief, and want to make changes. That's the "stinkin thinkin" that comes from what you have experienced growing up- normal to what you have experienced.

Customer:

Yeah, I'm living a new life in a new city with my girlfriend and her kids and have a decent job that helps me pay my bills. Overall I'm responsible now and am proud of the changes i've made in that way, but I think i still carry a lot of the dysfunction from the time I lived with my mom in my early 20's. I hated myself during that time and became really insecure. Me and her verbally attacked each other but also were really good friends at the same time. The relationship didn't have the boundaries it should have. Now I still carry a lot of the insecurities from that time and still am not willing to trust anyone. I often feel like a loner even when I'm doing my best to portray a good attitude. People either misunderstand me or I withdraw, but I think I'm depressed still and carry alot of unresolved issues around with me.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It is not typically accurate nor true to think people wouldn't care or like you. You've learned to not trust, to hide, pull away, but hurt at the same time. Lonely and hurt, but scared to reach out for fear of more hurt. It makes perfect sense, you are not alone in what you describe. Shame- feeling defective in some way- one of the more difficult emotions. Thinking if others really knew me they wouldn't like me- when it's really just the opposite. We are our own worst critics- the battle in our head!! Reaching out to others takes courage- sometimes seems easier to "hide" out, drown the sorrows with drinking, pot etc. You are only trying to cope. The coping with the drinking etc. then becomes part of the problem- doubled edged sword for sure. You are good person, just have some healing to do.

Customer:

I have relied on drinking a lot less recently, but mainly my insecurities stemming from my life in my young twenties still haunts me. I still get angry about it. There were times when I got mistaken for being gay and even heckled like I was. I know I am only attracted to women and I'm secure in that, but I'm very weary that I still portray fear of being mistaken for it. The times I got messed with caught me way off guard and it hurt. It made me think inwardly and stop trusting anyone. Its almost like we attract what we fear. So if Im afraid ppl think I am, then since its in my mind it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and ppl pick up on it. Its like a mental scar I can't fully heal from. Its draining to have anxiety over something so stupid and trivial. I guess I care what ppl think of me way too much. Its pathetic really.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

"Living a new life" that's a very hopeful statement- carries light vs.dark in it. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Being responsible, having a decent job, yes count your strengths and build on those. You need to heal some of that hurt, break free of those chains. Have you considered counseling? With what you describe sorting this out with someone can help a lot- may ease your depression too. Sharing your feelings can do wonders, especially when you are more sensitive. It's a great quality to be sensitive, but at the same time sets one up to be hurt more easily. Getting comfortable in your own skin- pay closer attention to your thoughts- speak to yourself as you would a good friend- more kind and supportive. There's tons of info on adult child of alcoholic, codependency- because it is so common. Being a child of an alcoholic you have been handed this without your permission right! You hit it right on the head- attract what we fear, create what we fear the most!!

Customer:

The trick is sometimes the more I tell my self to stop thinking about it, the more I do. Its cyclical. I can go 6 months sometimes where I feel fine and am starting to ease back into comfort with my life and then out of no where someone can say trigger words that cause me to dwell on past experiences that I haven't fully resolved. You are right though, I think counseling would do me a great deal of good. I guess Im afraid to seek the help face to face though out of the fear of the things I would say and thinking that person is secretly judging me for it. Thats why I seek out ways I can fix myself online. My mom and my relationship probably has a great deal to do with how I have kind of mentally broken down in past years. The same time I went through my depression, she lost her nursing job and stopped working for 7 years. We spent too much time binge drinking. Im really ashamed of that. It made me a person I didnt even know anymore.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

"it's pathetic" a good example of a statement about yourself that only hurts- it is not stupid nor trivial- it's just is. Whatever you feel is just that, it is not right nor wrong- validate yourself. You sound very insightful- growing up as you have makes you a deep thinker, and a deep "feeler". Great, but can be more easily hurt. If I can offer any wisdom/answer tonight it is that you deserve the good stuff, you are good just as you are. Most counselors are in the field because they care- I am honored to hear your story- thank you!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Identifying triggers is a great first step- journal writing can help too.

Customer:

Thanks. I used to try and write more, but at one point during my depression I found it more detrimental to my psyche than helpful. It was like I would dwell too much on one thought or had no real mental focus or structure for getting something out of it. I think tips on what to write and ways to let it help you would be valuable to me.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I think sometimes when things are too "good" we expect that other shoe to fall- the cyclical stuff you mention. Sometimes writing about your emotions, vs. thoughts. Identify those things that are out of your control. Careful of getting stuck in your head- focus the journal on emotions- everyday stuff vs. the past.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Part of the journal needs to be what you are grateful for, strengths, etc.

Customer:

What should I be addressing in my past? When I write about it, how can it be constructive to the present. I will need direction. If i don't have that, I could get lost in those old experiences instead of actually correcting and healing. writing down strengths and what i'm appreciative of would be helpful though.

Customer:

Do you think based off what I've said that medication would be an answer, too? Or is my case more of a mental block that I need to get past. Psychology or Psychiatry? Would they both be helpful to me?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

We can be grateful even for the small things- a cup of coffee, sunny day, someone smiles at us etc. The more you write the more you will gain insight and understanding- take notice of what keeps coming up. Identify what is going right vs. wrong. Have you considered aa? True healing comes from recognizing what happened in the past was out of our control and how we reacted was our best effort to help, cope etc. Talking to a doctor about symptoms of depression is a start. Seek out counseling with a masters level therapist or phd psychologist. Someone who specializes in family, alcohol, etc.

Customer:

That sounds like good advice. I will have to get outside of my comfort zone to do that. I don't usually rely on other people, but then again what I've been doing doesn't work so its time to try something new.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Cognitive therapy is a common treatment- helps you to think more realistically, productively, correct the "stinkin thinkin".

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway- seeking the help.

Customer:

Can I even do research on it? or would it be better to talk to a professional? I'd like to think doing my own research at times could be helpful, too but then again sometimes ppl say its not good to do. You can turn into a hypochondriac that way lol.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You seem like an excellent candidate for therapy- motivated!! I'd be careful of doing it on your own- if you research, finding the stuff that inspires you vs. drags you down. It's amazing what one an diagnose self with doing the search on line.

Customer:

You've been extremely helpful tonight and its been comforting talking to you about some of the demons I'm trying to overcome. I will try and apply what you've shared with me and hopefully I will get the results I seek. I appreciate your time and encouraging words.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If you do a search- take a look at the cognitive therapy stuff. Amazon has some good books about the topic. Getting out of Your Head and Into Your Life- is a good book- do not recall the exact name. You are welcome- glad to help a bit- Let me know if I can help again.

Customer:

I'd like that. One last question. Based off of some of what I've told you, it would probably be best if I completely quit drinking wouldn't it? Chances are nothing good is going to come of it in my case.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your drinking are your efforts to cope- quitting is best, XXXXX XXXXX is vital you fill that with something else to cope. No drinking eases the dis ease, but can become a disease. You will be able to refer back to our chat after you rate accept my answer. A rating of ok or higher allows me to get credit. Thank you!! Take care! Best wishes on your journey in life school.

Customer:

Thank you very much.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Jean
Jean
Psychotherapist
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Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)