Thanks so much for letting me know your history. I wonder if you can find a Fibromyalgia support the group in your area. I have worked with many clients who have Fibromyalgia and they have faced very similar challenges. I have heard from my clients that the pain of Fibromyalgia takes every ounce of energy they have. Pain can cause depression. I think it will be very hard to control your depression when the pain is not treated. I would ask my doctor to refer me to a pain clinic. I am sorry if I assume something that is not right but most of my clients tell me that the pain is a central force to their depression. I am glad that you have two wonderful daughters. I am sure you are a great mother because great children are raised to be great. Please do not feel guilty because I think you are very brave and they are lucky to have such a brave mother. You are so brave to have taken care of your father even thought you were afflicted with such a disease. I am sorry about your loss. It takes a long time to get over the loss of a parent. I can sympathize with you as I lost my loving father and took care of him also. I really understand your depression and I think you appear to be doing really well under the circumstances.
I suggest a grief support group to help you cope with the loss of your father. I also suggest a ritual that has meaning to you, to help you heal from the pain and loss. I had an altar with my father’s picture, a candle and wrote letters often. I would write and letter and put it in a balloon and let the balloon goes up to the sky imagining that your father reads it. Spending time with family that knew him talking about him and the stories will make you feel better. Please
reach out to your friends and family. People do not know how to react in a time of loss. They do not know if they should live you alone or talk to you because they do not know how to deal with death. I am sure you can find a support group online. Maybe you can include your children to the ritual that you do for yourself. They probably need to grief also.
Please do not feel guilty that you are not working and for being in SSI, see this as a time to heal. I understand that life has taken away this part of you that you valued and I am sure you were great at your job. You job now is to take care of yourself and to give yourself the care that you gave others.
I read your story and think you are a survivor and you have overcome so much in your life. I have a feeling that your spiritual belief is what makes you survive. Maybe this is the time to be the closest to God and develop your relationship with him even more. I have a hard time to understand why you feel like a disappointment because what I read is the story of a great woman who is very strong.
Intuitively I have a feeling that the solution is in your faith. I believe that you will find the meaning behind all this. Maybe you will become someone who helps others once you get over this hurdle. Maybe you will help others who are going through the pain of losing someone they love. Maybe you will be an advocate for people who have fibromyalgia. Please talk to your priest, or other official who can help. Pastoral counseling is usually free and an option. I suggest that every morning when you get up who keep a journal where you write 5 things that you are thankful for.
When you are in pain your mind produces negative thoughts do to low serotonin. Please take those thoughts and change them to positive ones. For instance if you mind says “ I am a disappointment to myself” Make an affirmation such as I am a great person and everyone loves me including I love myself. Please write 3 things you love about yourself. Such as I am loyal person, I have faith, I am loving.
Let me know if this works. Thanks for giving me the oportunity to work with you