Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation in your life.
Depression could deeply undermine and destroy people's lives, no doubt about it, but such scenario becomes reality when we do not get necessary support and commit to work on ourselves. Your husbands is choosing to refuse any necessary support to start his rehabilitation process, and as long as he keeps such approach, nobody could truly help him make any significant changes and improvements in his life.
Hi, thank you for joining the chat
Could you please tell me for how long have you been married, how long ago did your serious martial problems start and for how long has he been depressed?
I can imagine the situation you are facing because of my profession, but only you know how painful and frustrating it feels to be in your shoes.
I see. Was he already depressed before you got married,a nd what were the core issues leading him into this serious and chronic depression?
If he was already depressed and suffering of these mental health and personality disorders, what led you to married him in the first place; did you get to date long enough for you to know him well?
I see, then you did not truly have enough time to know each other well enough before you got married, but after a while it was evident to you he got depression and other serious problems you tolerated.
I see. then when you found yourself unable to keep enduring his resistance to change and look for necessary psychological treatment, what did you do and what was his reaction?
He was not honest with yourself from the very beginning and even when you get committed he chose to hide from you these serious mental health problems, which is just absolutely frustrating and shocking for most people in your shoes. Then how long into the marriage did you decide to leave, and what did he do bout it, just telling you he was going to commit suicide if you happen to leave him?
Is he physically or mentally disable? You said he is a perfectionist, thus I understand he is very capable of taking care of himself, but chooses not to work on himself nor to get treatment, right?
If a person loves you, that person would start by respecting you and your choices, caring about your happiness and well-being and supporting you, your needs and expectations, but what you have described here about his behaviors from before marriage to the present, show a person who has been dishonest, very selfish, manipulative and not truly respecting nor caring about your happiness and fulfilling.
Then I would say that your husband has been very abusive and manipulative from before marriage to the present, and that you allowing this to continue to this point shows how you have allowed-enabled this abusive - dysfunctional relationship to continue for this long. I do agree with what psychologist told you about your need to take good care of yourself.
I am sorry but that does show the same very manipulative-abusive pattern present from the past 5 years and enabling it just deepens and worsen the dysfunction. If a person does not physically obligates you to do something, then every form of abuse-manipulation happening would be impossible unless you play a codependent role enabling it; thus the solution in this situation has always been in your hands, and will only change your life when you come to terms with reality and take full responsibility for taking good care of yourself, allowing him to do the same.
Right, because your fist responsibility is to take good care of yourself, otherwise what you offer to other people would be limited or distorted, and in this case it seems you have been self-sabotaging, enabling his manipulation and abuse for this long. Your words show you are not happy with a life like this, then you would need to start doing things in a very different fashion in order to start creating the life you need and long for. It does not depend on him but absolutely on you. The same way his life and well-being mostly depends on how he does take care of it through his constant choices and actions.
He is no disable, but a very smart person, employed and who knows very well what he's been doing, lying from the time you were dating and not being honest nor accountable, respectful no caring towards you for all these years. His words could say the opposite, but his actions show reality, and it is this painful. He would not change is he does not want to, but you are the only one with the power to choose what you want to change or not, and it seems your body, mind and soul are pushing you to awake to reality and decide what you truly want to afford or not here.
You should reassess your core priorities, needs and expectations in life and around a life long relationship, and decide what you are truly willing and want to afford or not, taking full responsibility for your choices and actions, and getting counseling and family support to work on it, with the best possible tools and help, since it is not easy at all, but necessary and obviously worthy. I think you could need to work on eradicating any form of codependency undermining your ability to take good care of yourself, cope and share, and counseling would be ideal for that area too, plus joining a support group for codependency.
What you have described here is about you not feeling in love and wanted to spend more of your life as the spouse of this person, since you cannot tolerate his dysfunctions any longer, but living terrified he would kill himself as he told you if you leave. He is a very smart person and able to function since keeping a full time job, but showing total real lack of respect and caring about what you need, feel and want, pushing and manipulating you all these years to keep you with him, using words as tools to distort reality and make it seems as he happens to be a victim, when indeed everything you described seems to show a very selfish, manipulative and dysfunctional person, with serious personality disorders.
This is not about a business partnership, or discussing about how well material provider he may happen to be, but about the nature and quality of your relationship from before marriage to the present, his lack of honesty, manipulation, selfishness, serious mental - personality disorders and his refusal to get any necessary support as well as to work on any improvement.
Marriages should be about "mutual" respect caring, understanding, affection, passion and support. If both spouses do not feel happy and satisfied with each other, but create a dysfunctional relationship undermining health or well-being of one or both of them, then what would be a valid the reason for you to stay in such a marriage?
I can see there are multiple challenges to face, no doubt about it, then you need to assess the pros and cons of this situation and choose what you are truly willing and want to afford or not, then work on taking consistent action with the best possible support, ideally i suggest regular counseling, whether you choose to stay or to leave, just remember that no body has the right nor power and responsibility here to choose what you do of your life but yourself, then carefully evaluate your reality in order to choose what you really want.
You need to take into account your own core values and belief system, reevaluate it in order to make necessary changes, learning from your past experiences. if one of your core values is to do shape your life based on what your family think and want you to do, then there would be no many choices for you, and that's your right to choose, just afford all the consequences from it. On the other hand, if you realize that doing whatever your family wants you to do is not the best approach, then you would need to start taking responsibility for your own choices and shaping your life the way you want, regardless of what other people could think or feel about it.
If we approach it taking into account what we know about codependency, i would say that secrecy, lying, denial, avoidance and other similar behaviors in relationship, including marriages and between families promote destructive sharing and patterns, deeply limiting the ability for individuals and families to mature and grow as healthy and fulfilling entities. But in some cultures, it is considered not only OK but essential to follow what your parents-family think and command, even when you are already an adult, then if such a person does not feel comfortable with such values - beliefs-practices, she-he would need to challenge them and work on taking full responsibility for the way she shapes her life, from decisions to actions.Each approach would present its own issues, challenges and benefits.
I can see that, it's just tough, and that's why I think getting and committing to regular individual psychotherapy or counseling would be the best way to approach this situation, for you to work on yourself and develop the necessary skills to make changes you want to do,
We all need to have a "healthy and caring" support system, which is about people close to you who happen to truly respect, understand, care and support you, socially when facing tough and painful challenges or difficulties. if you do not find this in your family and current friends, please start working on creating it with other people, for you to be able to change your reality for better.
Does it make sense?
I truly believe we all have the right and need to take good care of ourselves, to learn from experience and past mistakes, to change and grow and to liberate each day more and more from those things that create dysfunction and suffering, towards what truly fulfills us and allows us to create and promote real meaning and fulfillment, not allowing anybody under any circumstance to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate us, eradicating any form of self-sabotage, neglect or abuse, since when we mistreat ourselves this way, we end allowing and enabling the same from other people, and no matter who could they happen to be, it would never be healthy to allow, enable or endure any form of destructive suffering.
I truly hope you could work on finding good therapeutic support, build a healthy support system and work on creating the reality you have always long for, one that depends on you, with all the challenges it may imply, but one that appears as absolutely necessary and worthy.
Please feel free to contact me if you find it helpful, since I am willing to support you as possible.