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Thank you for your post. Sorry for the wait. This mistake has taken over your life it sounds like.
The important thing is simply that it was just that, a mistake. You are very hard on yourself. Most of us would feel as you do if something like this were to happen. It's one thing that "we" make a mistake, but much more devastating when others are affected by this mistake. It sounds like it hurts most because you believe you have let your team down.
So true that when such a thing happens we wish with all our heart and might that we could turn back the clock. I'm wondering if people are talking about it, because they realize how difficult it would be if that were to happen to them. You now know the ultimate feeling of truly being "human"- that we do make mistakes.
I can only imagine the panic you must have been in when you realized all of this- the frantic feeling that we are going to fall off the face of the earth- or want a hole to open up and take us away from "it"!!! With panic and anxiety we tend to do just that, not breath adequately. It sounds like you continue to be in that state of mind with the constant tight feeling in your chest and feeling miserable. It's important that you breath deeply, and work towards relaxing. When stressed and anxious are breathing is shallow and we start to feel that stress and tension in our bodies- "tight chest".
Sadly when we make a mistake that stands out in our mind 10 times more than all the success we've had.
Remind yourself of all those times when it went well- getting a team together and all the prep that goes into that- is quite an accomplishment in it's self.
It is important to talk to others about this- the true healer in something traumatic such as this is talXXXXX, XXXXXe, and tlc.
Have you asked your team members if there is anything you can do to make up for your mistake? Sending them a message or note about how horrible you feel about this may help ease your feelings of guilt.
Of course this would cause disappointment with your team members, but it's not as if you set up to sabotage an important event. You feel bad, guilty... because you CARE!!
http://www.tapping.com/ I'm including a link for "tapping" It's a technique that comes from emotional freedom technique (EFT). It's something you can learn quickly. The focus is on tapping on various pressure points while we repeat a statement such as "Even though I made a "horrible" mistake, I am still a good musician, a good person.." You can come up with your own statement. On the website you will find a video that further explains this technique.
You tube also has several videos explaining the technique. If you search on You tube for "emotion freedom technique" try the one for anxiety.
It's a good intervention when it is something as specific as you describe.
When worried or anxious our thoughts tend to amplify the issue, blow it out of proportion. No one would tell you not to feel as you do- your feelings are natural and normal to the situation you describe. In time this will pass- remember you will look back on this and realize you "survived", and makes one feel "humble".
Posting your questions and comments today is a good outlet- to reach out to process this. The "expert" is telling you to remind yourself your feelings are normal to this "rare" occurrence, and you are no less then you were before this happened. Yes it will take strength and courage to move past this, but you will. Others in the business are probably more focused on their own "stuff" vs. taking the time to continue to focus on your error. You feel "terrible" because you are human, and you care, and do not want to hurt others- a good quality, but can make you more sensitive to being deeply affected by something like this.
I look forward to hearing any comments you may have. I'm sorry I kept you waiting, and missed you on line. I will be notified when you reply and will get back to you asap. Thank you! Take the best care, and go a bit easier on yourself.