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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5517
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have been married to my husband for 26 years. I knew he

Customer Question

I have been married to my husband for 26 years. I knew he always thought differently but could never put my finger on it
until recently last October a lady came to me saying she had
been having an affair with him for 3 years 8 months and even though all his lies had been exposed-he immediately went to a counselor with me, started going back to church, started treating me like I should be treated, he still denies this affair happened and he says I let her get in my head and that she is very manipulative. Two of his 3 daughters has nothing
more to do with him because this was just the icing on the cake. He lives in the basement and I live in our house. He has been so nice to me and he has said he is sorry for all that he has done
and please forgive him for all his sins---he never admits to the affair which there is no doubt in my mind because I got his admittance on my phone and he says he said anything just to get rid of her when she came to us. It has been 6 months and he just
wants to brush it under the rug and he is driving me nuts but I continue to state I want to live with someone who can be honest
and I want a better marriage. He is a good provider to our children and myself but gave no emotional side of him to our daughters or to me. He don't understand it because he says he gave us a roof, cars, etc and we don't appreciate anything.
My weakness is I still love him and somewhere in his heart
there is a good person but he don't know how to express or
communicate his emotional side. I just can't live with his lying
about the affair or his thinking I should let it go because he says
it is over and done with. Please help me.

What are your thoughts? My counselor says if I can't leave the house which I can't due to finances at this point that I should cut
off all contact with him. That is really hard for me to do because I know he will stop going to church, etc., and also because I will still see him outside---He refuses to leave because his house is so important to him as all his other worldly possessions. My children does not have any contact with his mother as well because she told my daughters that all men cheat and to forgive him.
My whole life is on a eggshells and I am falling apart.
I have been praying my whole life for him and I am in worse shape than ever. What should I do? Can he change? Will he ever change? Should I give up?
family is destroyed by him and his lack of honesty.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Yes, your husband can change if he is willing to admit that he had the affair. As long as he denies it, your marriage will not be able to heal because he is still lying. And that will undermine your ability to trust him.

It may be that he feels if he admits to the affair that it makes it real and he will have to feel bad about it. Or it could be that he is narcissistic and feels that he does not have to deal with the affair. As long as he says it didn't happen, no one has the right to say it does. That is not fair to you, but it is how some people deal with their own hurtful behavior.

The fact that you have told him that you will not stay with him as long as he won't admit to the affair and deal with it is good. Basically, he avoids the affair and tries to make you feel guilty about not appreciating what he has provided for you over the years. But that does not resolve the problem, it only avoids it and it makes you feel worse.

While you cannot change your husband, you can control how you respond to him. Emotionally separating yourself is an option. But you also could try telling him point blank that the only way this works is if he will admit to what he has done. And no matter what he says, stick to that statement. Tell him that as long as he keeps lying to you, things will stay the same or get worse. Then stick to what you say. Once he sees you mean it, it might change his mind.

You can also learn more about infidelity and the issues that cause it. Here are some resources to help:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/04/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After
Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli.

You can find these both on Amazon.com or your local library may have them.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5517
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


One other thing I think my husband is a covert aggressive--Will this affect your answer you gave me Thank you

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I think my husband has a covert aggressive personality--Will this change your reponse to me previously? Thank you

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I answered on your other question. If you don't get my response, please let me know.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I still don't have your answer to my question on whether your answer would change knowing he is a covert aggressive


 


Thank you

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Here is the answer from your other posted question:

There is no official diagnosis of covert aggressive but if you mean he has a possible personality disorder, then narcissism might be a possibility. I would change my answer if your husband is aggressive (or abusive). In that case then, it is always smart to leave the relationship. No one should ever stay in a relationship where they are being hurt/abused. But otherwise my answer would be the same.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


He is not physically abusive but mentally he plays mind games--and that is what he is doing now---is your answer to leave or stick to him being


honest about the affair Thank you

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

You're welcome!

 

Yes my answer is the same, unless you feel the mental abuse is enough to leave him for.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thanks again Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome!

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