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Hi there! I have read your question, and first let me say that I am sorry that you are feeling as you are. I can say that feeling conflicted over ending a relationship is quite natural and to be expected.
Whether or not your husband is dealing with narcissistic personality disorder doesn't take away the reason that you are seeking the divorce. The rate of change for this particular disorder, sadly, is quite small--- not to say that it never resolves itself, but it takes a rather large personal enlightenment to overcome the traits attributable to it. If this is the reason for your conflicted feeling, you should keep that in mind.
Your right to live happily with your needs being considered is very important. If you were in this relationship for a long time, you very well may have gotten used to his needs being met and life being planned according to his wishes. This creates a dependency feeling which you have now clearly begin to break free from. It is natural to take 2 steps forward, and possibly slide back 1 from time to time in this slow process of being able to change your own thought patterns--- to think about what will enhance the quality of your own life as opposed to living for someone else.
I salute you and your courage to move forwards. We live only one life, and this is yours to live. If you feel the sadness come over you when thinking of the good times, go ahead and feel it , cry and grieve the loss of the dream that you had. It is a loss, and you invested years into it... so you will need to grieve before you move on. Always keep in mind that you are deserving of the type of relationship which is reciprocal, caring, consistent and loving. And, whatever you decide to do with your future, make it be of your own design and never agree to lose yourself in someone else's story.
I hope that you find these words somewhat helpful, and I wish you all the very best as you blaze a new trail... or, should you take the road of reconciliation, that you set firm boundaries for the relationship and it's future. Either way, be happy and be well! And if you'd like to chat further, please reply and we will continue until you feel satisfied with the response. :-) Thank you for using the site!
Thank you for your reply. But I need more. I'm married my husband for 10 years. He is from another country. I don't think I've lost my personality during these years, also because I'm from another country too, and my culture is very open. In my country we live life in a good light. All the times my husband acted strangely, I thought it was: - because he is from another culture. - Because he is from a very small town. - Because he was a priest for 10 years. - Because he never had children (I have 2). - Because he had left his house when he was 10-year-old to go to a seminar because his mother thought it was good. - Because he lost his father when he was 2 years old. - Because he never received a kiss from his mom. - Because he never really had a family. And many other things. I always justified his actions in some way. But because I always had an excellent family structure at home with respect and love, I never worried with what he said or did. I saw him arrogant and boastful, he always said that my friends and family were not good enough (and I saw exactly the opposite), he always said that some people had not category (especially people from my country), and many other things. My patience was on limit in the last two years. But I still loved him. Few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce, but not taken any action. I was very sad. But months passed.
I was used to not confront him because we never get anywhere.
But, I discovered he had another person. Doing plans with her, EXACTLY the same plans he did with me. Same words, same plan, same everything.
I see now what you are saying; this additional information explains quite a bit! Could it be a feeling of fear, most of all, of what the outcome will be, and simply just depressed and feeling defeated and sad that this second relationship has ended? I am wondering if you are somewhat disappointed in yourself for not seeing who he really was, or that you made a mistake in following your instincts and investigating what was going on, because now you are in this situation? I would suggest that these feelings of fear or sadness or even guilt are also natural, and that your confusion is temporary. I understand narcissism well, and the roots that you describe as to why he is the person he is makes perfect sense, but if you watch and wait, he will most likely continue this pattern of cheating because this is very typical of what narcissists do.
Your feelings are natural and real. Ask yourself, how would I treat a friend who was experiencing these circumstances? What would I say to her? And then, do this for yourself. Treat yourself very kindly now, and keep assuring yourself that you know that you deserve to be treated better than this... and that you did nothing wrong by wanting proof that you were being lied to. You had a dream of a happy marriage, and that dream has died--- not just a natural death, but more like a murder, in a way! Your husband destroyed it, and also your trust. Remind yourself that once you grieve the loss, you will regain your power and your strength.
Do any of the above ideas resonate with how you are feeling right now? I am trying to imagine how complicated these emotions are right now, and want you to know that you are experiencing very natural confusion and it is temporary. It will subside with time and with being able to express yourself as you wade through it.
You have helped me a lot, thank you. I was in my country for six weeks, by recommendation of my lawyer and the psychologist who is working on the case. My husband stayed in the USA, in our house. Every week, my husband made me a "surprise", such as: pay the psychologist with a check from an account that we have together (in which I put all my salary and he did not put a dime - I don't have access to his other accounts); he did a one-year phone contract in my name without my knowledge; he informed me he wanted to make the income tax alone this year to do "something different." Every time I was aware of these things, I was stressed, angry, sad. This lawyer and the psychologist could resolve everything, and she and my lawyer and wrote me and told me the same thing many times: don't return early. stay in your country and enjoy your children, your friends, your family. I almost come back early to the US. But I returned last week as planned. Only later I realized that this was a strategy of the lawyers and psychologist. Keeping me away while working with my husband. They were very concerned about we stay living in the same house until we finish the process.
Self-talk is where I suggest that you focus your energy. Self-talk is what we say to ourselves in our own minds. Start by stopping those thoughts of love when they arise and sharply remind yourself that this is not love; this is an addiction. Say, out loud if you must, that you are intelligent and beautiful. Tell yourself that you will not allow him to have this power over you. Keep reminding yourself all day long. Addiction to a narcissist is tough to break, but not at all impossible. Mark my words; he will do this to more women, repeatedly. You will be much better off if you surround yourself with people whom you trust, such as your children. Give yourself time to recover, and be kind to yourself. Research "narcissist men", and read stories of other women who have experienced exactly what you are experiencing; you are not alone! Speak positively to yourself in your mind... and soon you will get past this. I promise you! Here is a link to an article that I think you will find interesting: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/angerandconflict/a/Divorcing-A-Narcissist.htm I know you can do this!
Thank you very much for your help. Yesterday I read many thinks from the link you sent to me. I found a very good article that gave me a very good tips: "Surviving Emotionally While Divorcing A Narcissist". Sometimes, I let my emotional blow and was doing exactly the "game" of my husband.
Lucia--- I am so, so, so very glad to hear this! Here is one more link, and if you search this website, you will find an article which is specifically about how to behave when you have to face him in court or just in mediation: http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/divorce-and-the-narcissist/
and one more that gives encouragement: http://ezinearticles.com/?Divorcing-a-Narcissist---The-Ultimate-Challenge&id=1222091
I hope that you keep reading on the web and realizing that you truly are not alone! Keep up the healthy self-talk... and let me know if you need anything further! I am happy to be of service to you!
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