Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.
I believe that I can help you.
This is an international site, and if it makes you feel more comfortable, my mother was born in Ottawa.
From what you say it sounds as if you have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Here are the "official" criteria from the psychiatric diagnostic manual, DSM-IV, and you will see that you seem to fit the criteria:
BPD – DSM-IV
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternation between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance - markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging, e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving or binge-eating.
5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood, e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety, which usually lasts for between a few hours and several days.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate, intense anger, or difficulty controlling anger, e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger or recurrent physical fights.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
Anyone with six or more of the above traits and symptoms may be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, the traits must be long-standing (pervasive), and there must be no better explanation for them, e.g. physical illness, a different mental illness or substance misuse.
Let me suggest three books from amazon.ca. The first will tell you more about BPD. The second will tell you about one woman's recovery, and the third is about the treatment method quite effective for this disorder, which is known as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT); this is a self-help workbook to help you get started.
I believe that with this information you will be well on the road to being able to understand who can help you with this disorder, and how best to be helped, and with the DBT book you can even begin some self-help therapy.
I wish you great success and shall keep you in my prayers.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC