Hi, I'm not english, so excuse my language.
20 year old. Female. During my childhood, I was severely bullied. At school and by the kids at home. They always told me that I was ugly, and asked me why I was even there. I had no friends what so ever, and they froze me out. Sometimes they pushed and hit me. I didn't have any friends until I was about 15 years old. I cried myself to sleep a lot, and even though I am not religious, I tried to pray. In the end I just liked to stay inside, play video games and such.
I am now 20 years old, and I have a close group of friends. But still I feel like I am worthless and ugly. I use a great deal of humour daily, and I am a very happy person on the outside. But I think all the time, so much that I can't sleep. I feel very selfconcious about how I look, and my weight and such. Even though I am not obese.
I feel lost, and I feel that i cannot ever be happy. That i can never be myself. That nobody will ever love me. In situations when my friends talk about boyfriends and stuff like that, I just can't contribute. I feel like if I say that I like someone, they would just think that I am such a loser because that person is pretty, and I am ugly. I often feel like just being alone, and I often think about my past.
I just want to know if there is something wrong with me. This is affecting my social life, even though I have friends now. I don't think I will ever be happy with who I am. And I can't see how anybody else can either. I feel like a failure.
Thank you for responding, and I am sorry for not giving you a reply/rating sooner.
I just have a few short questions, then it will be all.
1. What can I do alone? I am not really in a position to pay for such therapy by myself at the moment. Even though I strongly think I need it. I have tried to hold it in for so long.
I really loathe the people who did this to me, and the fact that they don't understand the impact they have had on my life. I cried, I thought about ending my life and I became antisocial.
This makes me not trust people, and appear cold and closed off at times. My friends always joke about not having any emotions, and that they could never see me in a relationship.
2. Will me having therapy sessions affect the fact that my dream job is to become something within law and policework? Will they maybe downgrade me bacause there are records of me having "mental problems"? Or is this completely confidential?
I'm sorry for blabbering, but I haven't ever talked to anyone about this. And this is much easier for me, because of the lack of a "face to face" conversation. No judgement.