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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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My wife fits the passive aggressive profile but was not always

Resolved Question:

My wife fits the passive aggressive profile but was not always this way. Depression fits as well and she is on meds for that. Over the years her now best friend is controlling her behavior with secrets, crime, and the rest. Went as far to call the police on me and say that I threatened her. Just getting started in a separation. Wife believes her.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I am sorry that your wife is being manipulated by her friend against you. I can only image how frustrating and upsetting this is.

Dr. L :

Do you still love your wife? Are you wanting to fight the separation or do you think it is necessary at this point in your relationship?

Dr. L :

I see you are offline. When you come on line I will be notified and we can chat.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

Customer:

Sure - I love my wife, 21 years of marriage. There are kids, one is a defiant child. Got an open case of domestic violence that I am waiting to get dis-missed. Haven't been home since Feb 14th. I am blessed because We just started a rental company business and purchased a fix-it-upper. Good to have a place to go and have this sorted out properly with professionals. There is no fight left. I want to move as far away as possible from the criminal family secret.

Dr. L :

And so are you saying that you WILL happily walk away from your wife? Or is it resignation. That is, that you see no way of healing this situation and so it is better to end it now?

Dr. L :

What about the kids? Are they supportive of the separation? Do you intend to walk away from them too?

Dr. L :

Yes..it is good that you have a place to go instead of having to put together temporary housing. By sorting out properly with professionals...are you saying attorneys? or are you also working with therapists?

Customer:

The only end I see is a new life from ground up. The kids are split one wants the functional family. The other is supporting the separation. This is where the anger has led to the physical situation. Power struggle for parental control.The Charge of domestic violence keep me from re-entering my house and old life. I know my parenting rights have been taken by my wife and I am going along until the charge is dropped or cleared up. She started to see an individual therapist a couple of week ago. I am so happy for that.

Customer:

I will support my family even in this situation. I am not running from my kids. I see my new life with them, I just can't be with them right now and I need to work with each one individually to define our new relationships. They are young adults, 17 & 15 The fact is I want to expose this very destructive person that has caused this pain. The pain is going to continue and there are a lot more people involved on her side of the family. They think their crime doesn't hurt anybody. Quite the opposite is true. Secrets, lies etc create guilt and shame. These are very powerful emotions for even the strongest person. The situation with my wife and her friend I feel is the most important thing to work on and second is the child. We were thinking the child was the most important but as I go through this process a close relative discussed this with his family - I love open communication. Mom needs the most help. I am going threw a mid life crises so they say, lol. But I was fired back in Nov of last year and had been working on a plan to start my own business. Now that dream is almost true. Income should start in the next month or so. Turns out I found a new passion that can make money. I am not happy about any of this but see everybody more healthy in the future but there is a lot of pain to deal with before they can get there. I am much farther down the road and well into my own recovery. By the way, hot young women and fast cars have always been in my mind. Not quite correct for a mid life crisis. Its pretty much some of life's toughest situations all converging in a short period of time. I am lining them up and fixing what I can or move on. My Marriage is a move on.I don't have a lot of time left and want to enjoy life. Back to the exposure of this destructive friend - can that family survive, get better ,or just live in their dark world of fear, anger, crimes etc. I am running from that. I want a happy good fun rest of my life.

Dr. L :

I can understand the struggle. And I agree that some times the only way to end the dysfunction would appear to be a fresh start. Your children are at vulnerable ages...they are in that period where parents become less and less relevant...yet they are not mature enough to make their own way in the world. Since parenting has been a battleground, I think it is important that you talk/work with them one on one. At the same time, it is important to keep in your mind that each has very different needs based on their individual personalities, individual relationships with you and your wife, and their differing levels of emotional understanding.

Dr. L :

Yes..secrets and lies do create guilt and/or shame. I would refer you to the following book for more insight:

Dr. L :

Secrets, lies and betrayals by Maggie Scarf

Dr. L :

You may find this beneficial reading during this period of transition.

Dr. L :

What you seem to understand better than most is that we have one, and only one, life to live. That requires us to do our utmost to live happy, fulfilling, compassionate and healthy lives.

Dr. L :

It seems to me that you are committed to doing exactly that.

Customer:

Thanks for your help.

Customer:

you are helpful beyond my expectation and i'm hard to pelase.i really saw the HELP. Now I understand what you are saying. Thank you very much.

Dr. L :

You are very welcome.

Dr. L :

If I can be of help in the future, please ask for me by name.

Dr. L :

Take care!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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