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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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My mother has manipulative personality disorder, and I bought

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My mother has manipulative personality disorder, and I bought into it for 45 years 2+ failed marriages and now extreme dissension with 2 of my own children. Dissension which has resulted in a criminal abuse investigation, my daughters moving out and lots of crap all created by my mother.Some history my mother married my step-dad 37 years ago. She was jealous or whatever dysfunction you wish to call it of my s-dads life before her. She systematically destroyed all but one of his life long relationships. So much so that my sister (step-sister we are very close) who was 5 when they got married as well as my other step sister (7years old when the married) and my older step-brother have had NOTHING to do with my step-dad or my mother in over 20 years. Both sisters have been in counseling since reaching adulthood. My step-dad was a great man. My story/question, I started realizing that my relationship with my mother was not healthy when I married my 3rd husband 8 years ago. We as a blended family (4 of my children, and his son) were actually blending well. My children loved my husband, my middle daughter had an exceptionally close relationship because they both worked with horse. He taught her to hunt (as well as all the kids she just happened to love it). We also had our growing pains as a new . As our marriage/family continued to grow in a strong positive manner. My mother could not stand it. When she and I would talk she would accentuate my husbands faults/weaknesses and eventually I bought into it kicking my 3rd husband out. This is when she started her work on my daughters-"did he touch you"-"he shouldn't touch you" "aren't you uncomfortable when he touches you" with increasingly more inappropriateness. With the pressure off of trying to destroy my marriage I realized that NO this was not going to happen again. He and I went to counseling and reconciled. Extremely angering my mother. Eventually causing horrible dissension in our home. My middle daughter accused my husband of molesting my youngest daughter. My youngest daughter denies that ever happened. All of this of course getting reported to DFS and then a criminal investigation, eventually ruling that it was 'family jealousy'. My girls now believe I choose him over them. They are still saying I don't believe them and in the next breath saying nothing happened. My middle daughte now lives with my mother and my youngest daughter lives with her Dad. How do I reconcile with my daughters, counseling does not seem to be working. One because my middle daughter being 18 is to busy to come, and my youngest daughter has simply refused to go. My youngest daughter says "I had my chance to be a mother"..... How do I stop the madness. It is killing me inside. I miss my daughters terribly, but worse I can't stand to see what my mother is doing to them. The relationship between my mother and I now is 'grocery store' conversation which infuriates her. Please give me some direction to go. Thank you.

Heidi LPC :

Hello! I am hoping to be of some assistance to you here today... first, I am so sorry that you feel so stuck in the middle of such a complicated situation.

Heidi LPC :

It sounds as if you feel some regret over the way things have worked out and that the girls are still quite defensive. Trust has been dissolved and the truth is nowhere to be found. This has got to feel like a bad dream, no doubt, in which you are completely powerless to change the situation. What may help is looking for ways to regain your power, and to come to grips with what happened, while creating a vision for what you'd like to see happen and then strategize about how you can possibly get there. Or, to be able to accept that it may be some time before you can.

Heidi LPC :

Feeling powerless is uncomfortable... yet you still have power over how you see this situation. It isn't permanent, although it may feel like it is. Your girls have a lot of growing up and experience to gain yet, and time may be the best healer in this case. I wonder; would you be able to write your regrets, apologies... and express to them all in the same letter just how much you love and care about them, and that you will always be ready and waiting for them to reach out and work it through, but that you will respect them and wait for them to make the next move? And then, just know that you have reached out and communicated honestly in writing, and that now it is time to put that behind you and work on finding your own peace and look towards designing your own future?

Heidi LPC :

The thing about young kids is that when we give them space, entrust them with your belief that they are capable of making good choices and then just step back, it gives them time to think and in most cases, they then step towards us again. If we pursue them, they sometimes back away. Not always, but sometimes. And, this can be your time to focus on you and getting yourself strong again. What would give you pleasure? What have you always wanted to do with your life?

Heidi LPC :

Make amends where you can, express your regrets, make any apologies you feel you need to, and then let them sit with those you have given them to. Expect nothing, but hope for the best. Stay open to the possibility that time will pass and they will start to understand better what has happened. Leave your heart open and trust that things in life are fluid; change is inevitable. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Honesty and truth can clear your conscience, but we cannot control anyone else except ourselves. You can only do what you are comfortable doing, and the rest is up to them.

Heidi LPC :

I hope you can begin to release some of this burden and look ahead with confidence that you can express yourself to them now, and that this will pass in time. I will check back to see if you have anything else you'd like to ask, and I thank you for using the site. I wish you all the very best!

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