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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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The woman ive dated lost her mum at 20 shes now 43, most of

Resolved Question:

The woman ive dated lost her mum at 20 shes now 43, most of her relationship last 6months she has never lived with a partner, and usually all of her relationships want to totally commit but she doesnt. She met me phoned me for hours before we met gone out to dinner spent time texting etc etc. then she said she had a really good feeling about us. Then sometime after she said that she doesnt want a relationship just looking for new friends, is she a commitment phobic or just not into me?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

If the woman you are dating has a history of not committing to relationships, then how she is reacting with you has more to do with how she feels about commitment than how she feels about you.

Her behavior with you so far indicates that she is very happy with you. She talks to you on the phone for hours, spends a lot of time with you then tells you she has a great feeling about your relationship. All of that is very positive and not something she would say or do if she did not want to be with you. So the fact that she does not want to commit to a relationship means that her motivation is coming from somewhere else rather than how she feels about you.

If her mother died when she was 20 and she was close to her, then it could be that she doesn't want to be close to someone else for fear they will leave or die. People can become traumatized by a significant loss in their lives and transfer that fear onto other relationships making them afraid to connect with anyone. Or she could also have had others leave her when she was little, making her fearful of being close to someone. Also, sometimes a child will see their parents fight a lot or have issues and they associate close relationships with conflict so it makes them fearful of being in a relationship because they do not want to have that happen to them.

If you feel she might be willing to work on this issue, you can suggest she see a therapist. Talking out her fears will help her face what is wrong and fix it. She can also find out more about commitment fears and take steps herself to address what she feels. Here are some resources to help:

http://psychologytoday.tests.psychtests.com/take_test .php?idRegTest=1598

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Psychology-Behind-the-Fear-of-Commitment&id=6902487

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/18/fear-of-commitment-ideas-that-may-help/

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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