Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about these marital problems you have been facing for the past three years.
When a person's value and belief system is incompatible with such sexual practices, as those your husband has been pushing you to, truly overwhelming feelings of frustration, sadness, anger and conflict could arise in anybody in your shoes. It is very serious because it does show not only how our values and beliefs are very different, but how incompatible and dysfunctional your marital life could get.
For any spouse to expect, and even worse, to push the other to expose herself to sexual practices incompatible and unacceptable according to your core values, beliefs and life style is just very shocking and abusive, deeply undermining the marriage and showing serious problems in the way it develops.
Then it does make sense the fact that there are other serious issue affecting your marriage, and you are absolutely right feeling concerned and feeling the need to do something about it.
If your husband is able to acknowledge how wrong it was to push you that way and apologize, but then other times he perpetuates the same abusive pattern, it could show he has serious personal issues around this and other areas he needs to work on, and I think he would need professional psychotherapeutic support in order make these necessary changes happen, once we are not talking about one isolated episode here, but chronic issues present fr the past three years of your marriage.
Marriage therapy appears as something essential here, but it would be helpless if he doesn't work on his personal issues first. i believe a marriage and family therapist meeting both of you would immediately point at his need to commit to individual psychotherapy to address and resolve personal issues, for the marital relationship to have concrete chances for healing and growth. Obviously not only this, but every serious issue affecting your marriage should be addressed and concrete actions taken by both of you to make of this process something real and effective.
ok, the rest of the story:
Hello, I am a 31 year old female. I have been married for 7 years, for the past 3 years my husband has been pushing me to have intercourse with other men. When I resisted he became distant and annoyed at times, other times he would apologize and say he understood that I did'nt want to do this. This is one of a few issues I am having in my marriage that I am having difficulty dealing with. It is hard for me to admit but I broke down and did what he wanted once about a month ago. Since then he blames m and says I cheated, he sometimes takes some responsibility when I give him no other choice. He is also very controlling, moody and often just mean to me. I know I used to be an amazing person, with alot of self confidence. I am losing myself. And so I left him, only temporarily and have asked him to get some counseling on our time off from one another. He has not done this, Instead he called my entire family and told them I cheated on him (I dislike drama, so they knew nothing about my marital problems) this was very embarassing for me. Now my family is angry with me. He has also been trying to date other people, ( but is now saying he is stopping, and only wanted revenge) At the same time he is asking me to come home, saying he will love and treat me right. I feel very conflicted. I want to beleive him but he shows me nothing. He did come to where I am at my mothers 12 hours away, but I didnt leave with him. I dont know what to do, go home, stay, go home and ask him to leave, give him another chance. I just dont know.
I am sorry to know how all these events have evolved into such a sad and painful reality. I understand your situation but only you know how it feels, and it is tough. I totally support you. You need to stick to your boundaries and limits, not exposing to further abuse and manipulation. If he chooses to use his words as tools to manipulate and you, without taking real responsibility for his choices and actions, correcting every wrong and abusive doings and committing to professional psychotherapy, it would be self-sabotaging for you to expose yourself to him, since everything he has done does not show any respect, caring, love or accountability at all, but further disrespect, abuse and manipulation.
Please look for professional individual counseling/psychotherapy for you to take better care of yourself, process this traumatic reality and effectively cope with all the challenges it presents, getting all the support you could get from your family and close healthy friends, so necessary as the core of your support system when overwhelming situations like this happen.
Does it make sense?
It does, thank you. so you are saying it may be best for me to continue to keep my distance until he shows some change with his actions? As well as my own need for counseling, ( which I agree with entirely )
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX exactly what my gut has been telling me for years. I will take your advice, and trust myself more in the future.
You can and should only control what depends on you, meaning taking very good care of yourself, without exposing to any form of disrespect, abuse, neglect or manipulation, and getting al necessary support. if he chooses to continue destroying his personal life and marriage, there is nothing you could do about it but to take good care of yourself, setting healthy boundaries and limits and not getting involved in any dysfunctional dynamics with him. If he is able and willing to change for good, that totally depends on him and the support he allows in his life, otherwise he would not be able even to take good care of himself, nor to play a healthy role in the lives of other people.
so what is a good amount of time do you think to give him to even begin change, before I should except he may never change.
If he happens to change, it would take time and real hard work with professional psychological support. First you need to actually see he truly starts and commits to his own process, acknowledging his issues, taking responsibility and respecting your boundaries and decisions. Then I'd say that it could take around 3 to 6 months minimum for you to see if any of these necessary changes have started to happen. I think after a year you could assess and see depending on his actions more than his words, what and how well he has make any improvements. Independently of that, you need to take good care of yourself with adequate support.
based on what you reported, I do not feel very hopeful about these changes, but if he does chooses to work on himself with adequate support, he could make them, and it would take time for sure, a lot as well as hard work.
Thank you for your trust. I do need to leave now since have a client waiting for me. Please take gentle care and consistent action and feel free to contact me back for any further support.