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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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My boyfriend and I been together for almost a year . We are

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend and I been together for almost a year . We are reaching our 1st year. On the month where its the 1st year , we had the most ugly argument that we are on a one month break. The reason for this that started he got grossed out by my unsual discharge during sex and before we haven't been active in sex 3 weeks. From that point he brings up too many excuses of my weak points .reminds how we are so different. I guess in the past we had too many good and bad days. He has anger issues , dr took him off his antidepressants , he been jobless since January,he wants to quit smoking, his dog died , and he felt so guilty I been doing all the hard work. At first I was sad about the argument. Then it seem he wanted to be friends again . I am emotionally drained , I believe I love him and I try to move on but I am so sad without him. I know we need time apart but I feel so lost how to move on . Help
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question. I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time.

Dr. L :

I can understand how you could be emotionally drained with the rollercoaster of feelings you are having and your concerns about whether you should try to repair the relationship or move on.

Dr. L :

In your post you say that you know you need time apart. Why do you think that is important?

Dr. L :

It would seem to me that there has been a number of misunderstandings between you. Have you considered couple's therapy? Having a therapist work with the two of you to clear up any misunderstandings and to help you communicate better would seem beneficial.

Dr. L :

The sadness you write about is grief...the emotional process that comes when we feel that we have lost something.

Dr. L :

I see you are typing. I will wait to read your reply.

Customer:

Its really my 1st relationship. Ok he did tell me of his problems before I agreed to start. Maybe I don't know much about relationship but I had the desire if I found some one why bother just having another and another. I guess I did fall in love too fast. I know he willing to change his medical and mental problems. I find it hard to let go of what I strongly believe I love this man for who he is and he doesn't get that and our families and friends doesn't get that. Maybe I am crazy to know what I want at my age. I never dated when I was younger. For him I am his 4th girlfriend but the 1st to really understand him.

Customer:

Yeah sorry I am new to this and I wasn't sure if I should try it, I thought I might of been wasting my money. But ok I guess yes I am experiencing big grief.

Customer:

I knew there was something like that his family and my family thought there wasn't such a thing. And only for married couples. Um I guess to add on my many questions since I am amazed how fast you replied. Um

Dr. L :

Yes...you can go to couple's therapy and you don't have to be married...I would encourage you to seriously consider this. I will also suggest a good book to read that will also be helpful:

Customer:

Ok with the many issues I explained, my boyfriend I loved has glacoma. He been on this disability government benefits that pays him. He has anger issues, he been taking antidepressants since he was 15 and now his dr relieved him and maybe he is experincing withdrawl affects , dog died and been jobless. And yeah we do have tons of misunderstanding and ok he smokes weed for his glacoma and smokes regular but he wants to quit and he trying 4 days now and going to aa meetings

Dr. L :

You Just Don't Understand. Men and Women in Conversation by Deborah Tannen

Dr. L :

Yes...it certainly is possible that his anger and illness have contributed to the tough times you are now experiencing.

Dr. L :

It's a good sign that he is trying to quit and going to AA meetings. Terrific!

Customer:

Ok I concider that and ok his parents try to help both of us but then they take his side and well I guess they have faced his personal problems all their life and I even feel sad how my boyfriend gets along with his family. Its like they don't have that good family bond and they like spending time to them selves

Dr. L :

You are right...they have dealt with his issues forever and they may no longer be as supportive as he needs. To them...it's old stuff...and they may not realize how difficult it is for him right now. Getting off anti-depressants is not easy! And then there is the weed...

Dr. L :

Many,many changes in a short period of time.

Dr. L :

This is hard stuff and he needs support...and so do you.

Customer:

Even in our many fights they wonder why I get too emotional. And they all suggest I should just move on with my life and during this break with my boyfriend he just claims he wants to learn to be friends. Some friend that doesn't want to talk and when I talk to him thur txt he gets so annoyed he thinks I harrasing him, couples or friends are supposed to have good communication right

Dr. L :

Please take a look at the book I suggested. You might also consider going to Al Anon when he goes to AA ... that will give you support and help you better understand what is going on.

Dr. L :

Yes...good friends need good communication...healthy couples need healthy communication.

Dr. L :

If he wants to stay in your life...then your communication needs to be improved.

Dr. L :

Do you think you get emotional because you care so much for him?

Dr. L :

If he is accusing you of harrassing him...then why do you continue to text?

Customer:

Maybe, but then again I guess all my life if I feel bad I get to emotional and I guess with him its been upgraded to a bit too much, I am trying to even change my self but I know I should be just my self. I even wondered if with his problems its due to his glacoma or to past relatives that died or animals he loved.

Dr. L :

He is grieving too. He is not working...that's a loss. His dog died...that a loss. He is quitting weed...that's a loss. He was taken off his anti-depressant...that's a loss. And sure there could be more.

Customer:

Maybe its a bad habit I blame my self for wanting to talk to him in friendly way but he so insists on this real one month break, maybe I am going nuts. I am non smoker but living with a family and I have a crappy job and I don't drive yet and the only progress in my life was him. Well 1painful week has passed 3 more to go.

Dr. L :

So...he is grieving to and that certainly can impact your relationship.

Dr. L :

No...it's not a bad habit...it's you missing him and wanting to repair your relationship. If he wants a one month break and is insisting on keeping that...then yes...it's 1 week down and 3 to go.

Customer:

Maybe I was txting him too much because I got inspired by one friend, advice if I love him we shouldn't be on this break. But I guess I can't even have any common sense.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry...but it is best to respect his wishes. If you want him back in your life...respecting what he wants right now is best.

Dr. L :

It may be true that if you love him you should be together...but right now he is asking for time apart...and you can't force him to respond to your text or to end the break. He has to come to that decision on his own.

Customer:

Yeah there was even times ok we had bad arguments, but then later or a day later he would quickly apologize. He would check if I am doing ok. He said in the last txt before he got angry that he misses me as a friend now and he looking forward to the end of the month to go bowling. A few days ago he was having email troubles and was asking to see me to solve it and as much as I wanted to I had to remind him of our break.

Dr. L :

That was really wise of you to say no to helping him with his email!

Customer:

Yeaah I guess that's true, I try hard to respect him and his family and friends and my family and my friends . Maybe in our relationship I argued he always gets his way and he too afraid to do what I want.

Customer:

Maybe I already knew this answer but I guess I wanted a deeper understanding to what I am feeling ....I feel helpless

Dr. L :

Maybe you will have to restart your relationship by being friends first..and then go from there.

Dr. L :

The truth is you are helpless to some degree. You cannot make him do anything...the only person you can control is yourself.

Dr. L :

What you are responsible for is being honest with yourself..and honest with him.

Dr. L :

It certainly is hard when you love someone and they want a break. But you can't make the break end...

Customer:

Ok in the begining we may have fallen in love too fast I lost my virginity to him. At 6months of knowing him after one fight we had we apologized and then we got engaged, and then later on in our arguments he reminds me think of that ring as a very expensive friendship ring. , with this break I am not wearing the ring.

Dr. L :

Grief is about love. When we love someone we feel sad when things are not going well...and that is true right now.

Dr. L :

Did he break the engagement? Did you break the engagement?

Customer:

And yeah many other times we tried restarting our friendship. But now I guess its true we gotta find our selves again before any friendship or relationship. ... :-(

Dr. L :

If neither of you broke the engagement..you are still engaged and should be wearing the ring.

Dr. L :

Do you feel like you lost yourself?

Dr. L :

And yes...if you feel that you lost yourself then it would be best to get back in touch with your real self so that you can offer that real self to the relationship.

Dr. L :

Again...I think going to couple's therapy would be very important.

Customer:

Mostly he just down graded engagement to friendship or something, I didn't break anything. Maybe I just broke my self-confidence. Since I am so new at times I saw myself like a puppy dog following him around. Sad to say.and ok my family and him did not get along that there would be too much tension from that to

Customer:

Yeah I so feel I lost myself, I can't even have ine full day with my family or do what I did before when I am at home.

Customer:

Well his family also told me he had a hard time understanding, slow learner. Ok he promised he never physically hurt me but with his anger issues he managed to verbally hurt me.

Dr. L :

Yes...you are right...he did hurt you verbally with his anger and that needs to change.

Dr. L :

He cannot continue to do this...

Dr. L :

You need to be in a safe relationship...not one with the potential to hurt you.

Dr. L :

Please consider therapy. And please think about getting the book I suggested.

Customer:

He did tell me before he likes his ways or if he doesn't then it frustrates himand

Dr. L :

I am sorry that you are feeling so hurt and lonely right now. Perhaps each of you need this time away. It will help you heal some of your emotional pain from how he has treated you and give you more strength.

Dr. L :

Yes...and that's one reason why people get angry...because they get frustrated and don't know how to deal with their feelings in a more healthy way.

Customer:

In our argunents when we argument he gets to anxious he claims I am overly too sensitive for him to br in a relationship.

Customer:

Well I guess our feelings are too strong when we fight and afterwards we feel sick and feel so bad for eachother, I guess I am told if there too much of yhis whats the point. But others say stuff like this is normal. I guess when he sees me crying he feels like a jerk , and acts so matcho man says act your age, being too defensive

Dr. L :

Yes...it does sound like when you fight you both get very aggressive and defensive. Both of you might benefit from learning how to fight fair and how to set boundaries so you don't get verbally hurt.

Dr. L :

http://www.counseling.ufl.edu/cwc/fair-fighting-in-intimate-relationships.aspx

Dr. L :

The above is an article you can read about fighting fair.

Dr. L :

Our time together is ending soon. Is there any last thing I can help you with?

Customer:

Ok and what started of this fight that led to this official one month break, the fact that we haven't been active in sex for 3weeks due to family stress we tried again and I guess we hard a hard time adjusting. Then ok white thick creamy um discharge was on his penis and he got grossed and so turned off and I felt insulted and then we had that fight. And he said ahhhhh thia is why I don't want to have sex with you anymore. And now thinking back to that well I am going to see my gyn. But I hope I am not infected or I hope I didn't get him infected.

Customer:

I guess that's the last thing

Customer:

I guess give him space. Understand his drug problems and mental problems. Read about fighting fair. Go to couple therapy. Find my self.

Dr. L :

Yes...it would be a good idea to see your gyn...but I would not worry about that...there are certainly grosser things then that!!! And he should have been more respectful and sensitive to your self-worth.

Dr. L :

Yes...I agree with the list your wrote...please remember the book and article I suggested too.

Dr. L :

Good luck.

Customer:

I guess I will um

Customer:

Shall I tell him when we finally talk that I expect him to respect my sensitivity and apologize deeply to me

Customer:

Ok I try

Dr. L :

Yes. He needs to apologize for being disrespectful and hurtful.

Customer:

Oh and

Dr. L :

And needs to make an effort to listen better to your feelings.

Customer:

Sorry, he tells me I should find someone better but I try to tell him that I want him. I am willing to work it out more with him?

Customer:

I been going to his house and he never went to mine

Customer:

Well I guess I have a lot of prayers to do

Dr. L :

If you are willing to work on the relationship...then that's what you should do.

Customer:

I made notes for my self and I guess it means aomething if I got 35good things and 29 bad things

Dr. L :

Yes...more good then bad!!!

Dr. L :

I wish you good luck!

Dr. L :

Good night.

Customer:

Goodnight thank you

Dr. L :

You are very welcome!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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