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Hi I am 21 and feeling extremely confused and ashamed of myself in so many ways. I have been with my boyfriend now for 4 and a half years and I love him to death, at the beginning it wasnt like that im not sure exactly when we started to go out but I believe the first month I was 17 and i would do things that now I see horrible like I was hanging with an ex(named heidi) of my ex named Michael and I remember one day I invited michael to my house and heidi was there and they ended having sex right in front of me and I was so okay with it and I kissed michael and it was sort of like I was seeking his attention, but then it was a test and I knew that day after all that happen and all I saw although I wanted his attention I never would have been with him after that (before that we also kissed a couple weeks ago). I was with my bf around this time we had just started going out like that month but I was not in love with my bf nor did I feel guilty I was stupid and time went by like 4 years later
I am listening.
I tried to you know be agood girlfriend we had the best relationship..then I got a job at this place were it was girls/guys all my age.I didnt really have much friends I was always eigther home or with my bf and I was 20 at this time (I got this job last FEB 2012-July 2012) and I would do things that were wrong but only when I was drinking..I would get everyones drinks and wink at my boss(thats was my age) but just to be funny never did I wanted to sleep with him or anything and then one day July21 I went to a party and never did I went with the inteantion of having sex..I had picked up a my friend and we went in one car and were planning coming back together in one car I started drinking a lot after analyzing myself I feel I did it for attention idk..I never used to drink before I got this job and then they started doing weed and I was always against weed and I did weed twice that night(something I would never do) In that house lived a boy named victor and his gf...and nobody wanted to drive so I stayed there and for some reason I felt like I wanted to be with victor and his gf..idk if it was because i had so much to drink and ive watched porn before and i was always turned on by like the threesomes or I needed attention..this probably wouldnt surprise me had I did that because people experiement but I shouldnt have had those thoughts when I was in love with my bf. To me it sounds horrible typing all this and saying I honestly love my bf but I do and I feel so ashamed that
I am still listening !
i didnt take different actions. That night victors gf had to leave in the middle of the night because she had to give a ride to her cousin to work around 5AM. I was sleeping (although I had thoughts that night at the party of being with them and stuff I didnt pursue it like was all over them or nothing like that, if it happen it happen I thought) I went to sleep and in the middle of the night Victor shakes me and wakes me up and like approaches me and Idk why I gave in and had sex with him. Its been almost 9 months since that happend and I feel ashamed everysingle day, from morning to night thats all I really think about, my bf knows he forgave me idk how because I cant forgive myself, I am absolutely ashamed of myself in every way
due to this happening, I am more conscience about my actions to the point where if I were to lie to my bf even a small lie I would get overwhelmed with guilt or I try to avoid being to close to guy coworkers, I changed my job..I dont talk to anyone from my old job...This has caused me to analyze myself to the point where I am so ashamed of my past that I put myself in check and I am being so hard on myself so I never do anything wrong to him again.
I seems as if you have made marvelous strides in recognizing your own weaknesses and have learned from your mistakes, making you a better person and strengthening your relationship with your boyfriend.
I know I will never hurt him again, I saw how he forgave me and he knows everything and I literarly spend monsths going into over-confession mode I though I have like ocd because I felt so bad I confessed to him even what happen the first month we started dating when I was 17 (I never really looked back before on it I had left it in my past and since I didnt love him then I didnt felt guilty and I left it in the past knowing that later in a few years I thought "since i love him now i would never hurt him" but then I ended up hurting him July2012 and thats when everything just opened like a wound.....everything I have done wrong to him even from when I was 17 with my ex it just played in my mind and I just felt so guilty..my bf I met him he was a virgin..he has been so perfect and I never though I would hurt him until I did again july2012. I am so ashamed of myself, I feel bad when girls cry when they have bad bfs and I have really what any girl dreams of..a guy that truly loves me,appreciates me,cuddles and shows me affection and ive never had that and how could I have done all this to him its just makes me so mad at myself
You have made amends to him and now you MUST forgive yourself.
I feel like Ill never get over it..its been almost 9months and I think about it everyday,I cry all the time...his sister knows shes our age (she knows I cheated because unfortunetly I started crying one day in my bday and I just said it) she didnt say much of it expect that it was wrong that her brother didnt deserve it but that theres nothing you can do but move foward..I have been obsessing for days and days and days how she sees I cheated on him once...but she doesnt know that the first month me and my bf started going out I (kissed my ex twice and even invited him over and had him have sex with heidi in front of me in my house and I kissed my ex after he did that) I think of what she would think/say if I told her that
Don't tell her.
I have a wonderful book for you that will help you to move on with your life.
and it plays in my head over and over and it interferes with me moving on..idk if its OCD i dont know if its anxiety,fear..I don;t know but I know I am a different person now I analyze what I do and what consequences my actions will have...but I cant let go off the past because I am so ashamed of it...I feel I care so much what his sister thinks because its his family (his mom doesnt know but i wouldnt want to tell her). but how do I live with the guilt im miserable
Thank you I will read it
There are obsessive thoughts.
Let me recommend one more book for you so you can approach this from a second angle as well.
Idk how to get rid of my obsessive thoughts and I dont know why I did the horrible things I did, I see myself like the worst person ever
Here is a great book to help you.
I would trade persons with anyone to not feel this everyday..I feel horrible for the past 8 months and I cant imagine feeling like this every single day
You will overcome this. I know how much you are suffering and these books will help you to find peace.
You have come to terms with your past and now it is time to move forward.
I feel like I would never get rid of these obsessive thoughts..I went from overly confessing to my bf and I stopped because it wasnt fair for me to keep releasing it and reminding him...to becoming obsessed to what his sister might think of me if she knew it wanst just once i cheated but when I was 17 and started going out the first month with her brother...
I feel like i need to know why I acted like this it wasnt normal
to hurt someone like that
You must first stop this negative talk as this is part of the process of you healing yourself.
I just really dont see any positive thinking in what ive done..I always dreamed I would one day marry him and I care for him so much and I hate myself for doing what I did
I have one more book for you.
You are driving yourself in obsessive circles and this is hurting you.
If you cannot stop on your own, or with the help of these books (which I believe WILL help you stop), then you must see a face to face therapist who can help you stop this obsessive behavior.
I feel like my whole relationship was a lie...I started off awful the first month because I made out with my ex twice and invited him to my house saw him have sex with another girl and kissed my ex after like it was normal never felt guilty because I wasnt into my bf never felt guilty months past..I started to get to know my bf fell in love with him...(i never told him before what happen at the beginning) so the relationship started off wrong a year pass,two years,three years and then I cheat on him (and everything i ever did just exploated in my face and it was a wake up call ..I told him everything past and all...he forgave me but im obsessed with how I hurted him and how I was so blinded and stupid for everything ive done...I feel even ashamed of hanging out with his sister sometimes (i never felt like that before, until I cheated in July and everything just haunted me all togther
if I could shut down my pass and have the ability to not look back I know I can be the person my bf deserves from what Ive learned and how much pain this experience has caused me and my bf and im sure even his sister ..I know if I wouldnt look back but foward me and my bf can have a beautiful relationship and if I got married to him I would know that I would never hurt him again and would be a wonderful wife to him...but the problem is that although I want to move on my obsessive thoughts wont let me and its an everyday thing (sometimes im good and happy and the thoughts die down but at times it gets so overwhelming I feel like getting on my knees and crying)
I have so much fear inside...fear that I wont be able to get through this and would loose my bf, fear it might get worse and I might start overly confessing to everyone, fear that if i go face to face therapist it might not help...so much fear
You are very obsessively anxious right now.
I think im obsessively anxious every single day since july the day after I cheated I havent my complete self maybe from the outside but mentally its like i question myself in everything, I dont even know what to believe and i feel like my self value is just gone lower
I keep trying to justify why I did it (not find an excuse or maybe..but like maybe a reason why)
it wasnt my bf at all..he was perfect we werent fighting...it was all me..but what was it within me that made me take these actions
at times I think it was maybe what happen to me when I was little..."but thats not it at all thats trying to find an excuse" is what I tell myself because what happen when I was little never impacted me ever before
and I feel like my head is brinigng what happen in my past now when it never affected me as a way to justify what I did and is not that but then my other side of my head thinks well maybe it has a little something to do with it
My head everyday is a constant battle where one side is like your awful,if matias sister knew everything even from the first month and the thing with your ex she would think your like the awfullest thing and that matias deserves wayy better, then I reflect on what ive done wrong.....then my other side of my head is constantly trying to reason and say its in the past to let go....but my "evil" or negative talk always seems to overpower
I suggest that you go to see your family physician and tell him or her that you are suffering from an extreme attack of OCD and you need something to calm you down.
Antidepressants (SSRIs) such as fluoxetine (for example, Prozac), fluvoxamine (Luvox), and sertraline (Zoloft) are commonly prescribed to treat OCD. The tricyclic antidepressant clomipramine (Anafranil) is also very good.
I just feel extremely uncomfortable taking medications..I was even using birthcontrol pills before and stopped because it made my moods a bit worst...and I just really dislike taking meds I would try anything else
can i ask you something how do you see what I did? with everything I told you
I know I did is awful but its like my brain sees it as just the worstest thing anyone could do
do you think its that bad that I need to take antidepressents..im not depressed all the time..I can go out and have fun with friends and my bf and live a normal life but its always in the top of my head and I feel when im not busy or distracted its when I over think and cry alot
You didn't do anything different than lots of young people who have experimented. However you are in a nearly hysterical state, which you should fear even more than medications.
He could at least give you a mild benzodiazepine such as clonazepam which you would take under let dissolve in your mouth (you might could find the dissolving type).
I get young people experimenting that is fine, when I didnt have my bf I experimented with ex bfs and hooked up...its the thing that kills me the betrayal when I love him, what his mom and sister would think if they knew the full story of things and the doing this when I was with someone.
When I started writting to you at the begining telling you what I did I felt like god he is going to think its awful typing i thought this sounds so bad...my head is still reliving what happen and I know im way too caught up in the past but I dont know how to fix it
I was considering hypnotheraphy..but then I though I want to be able to think of the past,and have it there in the back of my mind as its a leasson and a reminder of what I did so I never do it again
It is over and done with. You cannot change the past. You cannot focus on things that you cannot change. That is a bad idea.
and hyponotheraphy would just earase it and the lesson it taugh me because with this in the back of my mind..I have the ability to know not to do it
Get those books and start reading.
Stop focusing on the past. This is so destructive.
do you think having sexual experiences as a child affected me that I dont know of (it never affected me before) or am i using it as an excuse to be able to move on and accept things
How old were you?
I was 5 and then I was 7
I was 5 and I had a neighbour around 6 that would touch me and put his genitals next to me and french kiss and I dont have so much memory of it or how many times it happened
Yes, I think it has "sexualized" and also caused a lot of traumatic stress.
That does not sound like extreme trauma to me.
then when I was 7 I came to miami and my uncle who was (12) (My mom had me very young) he would like touch me and put his thing next to me also and stuff
so idk if this maybe played a role in me seeking attention those two times I cheated...or it doenst
it doesnt make anything better or right but I just want to know that I just wasnt just such a selfish person
You do not have trauma from this, I do not believe. I think you have a lot of extreme anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and you should see a therapist or a psychiatrist as soon as possible if you are like this every day.
You are not a bad person, but you need some help getting out of these endless compulsive circles.
was the better route therapist or psychiatrist?
If you don't want drugs see a therapist. Find one that specializes in OCD.
Look on www.psychologytoday.com and enter your city and state.
Then on the left, under issues, find OCD or obsessive compulsive disorder.
but when I meantion the childhood thing I believe it kinda impacted a bit just because like as a child after that happen i would get like sexual feelings like I dont know if i dreamed it or remember clearly but I think I wanted to have a threesome when I was like 8 never did anything but thought about it
Then READ THE LIST CAREFULLY.
Go to see the therapist.
and remmeber like not caring if it was a boy or a girl..and when I went to new york there were two boys and I felt like I wanted to be with them I was like 8 (but its so hard to remember and its so long ago to be able to vertify forsure if these where dreams or I felt like that but im like 99.9 sure that i had these thoughts at least in two different occasions)
Thank you so much for your help
I hope that what I am telling you is helping and making an impact on you and will lead to you take action. I know that you can be helped and I shall keep you in my prayers.
You are very welcome.
and remmeber like not caring if it was a boy or a girl..and when I went to new york there were two boys and I felt like I wanted to be with them I was like 8 (but its so hard to remember and its so long ago to be able to vertify forsure if these where dreams or I felt like that but im like 99.9 sure that i had these thoughts at least in two different occasions
Get the books and find the therapist and take action.
^do you think what I wrote above should be something that may coorelate and I should tell my therapist?
Yes. Tell the therapist everything.
Thank you have a good day I am going to look at the list of therapist you gave me
Tell the therapist that you are having obsessive thoughts with great anxiety and you want him or her to fix you with therapy.
May God bless and cure you. I know that He will.
LPCC, NCC, CCMHC, MAE
is it obsessive thoughts or obsessive though disorder?
You have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with obsessive thoughts.
oh I always that OCD was followed with rituals?
Your ritual is to talk about and think about your thoughts, over and over again.
I saw a website of controlling ocd with vitamins (Vitamin B complex etc.)..do you recommend it or will my body get used to or addicted to the vitamins
oh I understand now thank you for your time as I know this took long
No, but the vitamins will help you. So will fish oil. But they will not cure you.
LOL. You needed the help and I was glad to be there for you. :)
Thank you again Elliott