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You are in a sorrowful situation, abandoned by your husband who is living in a relationship with another woman while you are alone.
He has betrayed you and humiliated you and now is telling you stories that have not come true. He has not come back to you meaning that he cannot or will not.
He has not told you the truth. Saying you are going to do something and not doing it could be called lying. He has betrayed you in words and deeds and is now holding on to you with lies.
His intentions are what he does and not what he says.
It seems that you have come to the end of the line.
If you filed for divorce and whatever settlement you could get, things would not change much. He cannot be trusted to be faithful, to uphold you emotionally or spiritually, or even to tell the truth.
You are tired of this. It sounds as if you are about done. Why is holding you back? What do you have to lose? What happy ending do you think you will find?
I recommend that you talk to an attorney about your legal and financial options.
We were married for 33yrs I have been with him since I was 19. Until she came along everything seemed fine
Perhaps it was and perhaps it was not. She did not do this - he did.
He even said he won't have considered leaving until she came along and she was unhappy with her marriage of 40 yrs.
Can you ever trust him again even if he came back?
He is evidently happy enough to have done this publicly in front of his whole family. That is a big commitment.
I think we could work on it. I think he is afraid of leaving her and it not working out with us.
He wasn't planning on anyone finding out I was the one who discovered what was going on and others found out with me.
That is no sign of commitment. If you want something badly then you take a chance. He is not working hard on it because he has only been to counseling with you ONE time. (Yes, I found your other question).
He just agreed to counseling a month ago when I started going on my own and she wanted to see him 2x first before she saw us together.
Cheaters never plan on getting caught.
You just learned the truth.
Do you believe in your heart of hearts that he will come back to you and drop this woman who evidently means so much to him?
yes I know. No I found out Feb of 2012. I know I sound like a fool for waiting so long but he wasn't really himself until recently and everything I was reading said to try to work on it for at least a year.
I don't know what I believe. I hope he comes back. One day he is on his way back. Then he says He doesn't know how to tell her to get out. I think he is afraid of her.
You have been wonderful and admirable and faithful. You have been quit amazing, in my estimation, and have shown tremendous maturity, purpose, and strength.
It is up to HIM to show character and devotion to either you or to her.
Thank you but now what?
He is a coward, it seems to me. He wants someone to make the decision.
Who do you think that someone might be?
I know it is not easy for him, but he needs to decide between duty to you, which he knows is the moral choice, or with staying with her, which is what he seems to want, because he is with HER and not with you.
I don't know. I the beginning of Feb this yr I told him I was filing for a divorce and he said he didn't want one and he was coming back. He still isn't back. He wants the best of both worlds. He sees me 3 days a week @ work and goes back to her every night driving 2hrs each way.
That is dedication. Do you want to continue this way or end this painful chapter in your life?
He is sacrificing 4 hours every day to be with her and never stays with you. You are no longer his woman. She is.
I too want everything. I want him to leave her and move on in our life and improve it that we have seen the problems
Of course you do. You married him, had a family with him, and built a life with him. You SHOULD have what you want, but he is willing to lose it all.
Now what do I do???
The second that you mentioned divorce he should have come back to you, begging forgiveness on his knees. Instead he is hemming and hawing. This may not be a man you can ever respect again, let alone trust.
You have two options.
One is two carry on and enable him to have his "marriage" intact while she gets him and his company and love.
The other is to say that you have had enough and get a divorce on your terms.
Do you see any other options?
You deserve better than this, Joan. You are quite a faithful and loving woman and you are being hurt so badly. I do feel great empathy for you.
no But I am the one who will have to leave the business since he is the one who holds the license for it and I am 58 yrs to find a new job and have to move to an area that has employment
Have you spoken to an attorney about it?
Have you spoken to your husband about it?
Surely compromises can be made.
Yes about a yr ago and she also said to try to work it out after 33 yrs.
The law protects wives, especially when you have sweat equity in the business but even if you did not.
But that is not the end.
"Working it out" didn't happen so now you need to know your legal options.
If you can't get a legal divorce in your favor then you can still learn to be separated and have your own life and your own home and share the business.
I think I am just too tired of all this to move on. I don't just want to give up everything
this isn't fair to me
Then you will have to adjust to the situation. You cannot give up before you know what you can achieve.
I don't want to work with him if I am not married to him. I can't continue to see him and have him with her.
Then you will have to force a settlement if he will not agree, which will include alimony to pay you substantially for your loss that his actions have brought about.
If you push hard enough he may just leave he and come back to you just to avoid the entanglements.
NY is a 50=50 state and it doesn't matter what he has done.
Then get your half share.
Unless you can force him to see the wisdom of coming back to you. He is driven by self-interest, it seems, and he will not want to lose his business.
Actually yes he is tired of doing the business for 25 yrs but it is hard to sell and it doesn't look good on the books.
So then you still might lose the business if he finds a buyer.
No I am half owner of the corporation
I still think that you need to further explore your legal options just so that you are playing with a full deck. Perhaps he can buy you out.
Above all, you must think of your emotional well-being.
I agree the business part can be worked out. You don't sound like you think he will come back especially since he has been with her so long. He said he was looking for happiness and I asked him if he is happy now and he said no
He may not have wanted to hurt your feelings.
But he has made a choice for the last year or so.
I know he doesn't want to hurt either of us feelings. He says he has known her for over 40 yrs. but hadn't seen her but only at class reunions
He hasn't shown you anything hopeful. Just given you empty words.
There should not be a question of a hard decision here: class mate versus life mate?
Agree I am not a priority in his life even though he says yes I am but as you say those are empty words.
I agree but they say they just connected. She convinced him that he was unhappy just like she was.
If he was happy then he wouldn't have left you. HE made the choice.
Any idea what I should say to him besides SH t or get off the pot
What do you WANT to say to him?
That is the other problem, I too don't know what the future with him will be like. If we can work on things. He told me we would have to take it slowly. Believe it or not I am a very independent woman who has done a lot of car
traveling this year and see and done a lot of things that I have never done before.
You may have outgrown him.
If you are willing to take a chance, then tell him that you are willing to try to work it out if he is too, and he is willing to end the relationship with his classmate - total end. Tell him that you are willing to do your utmost, and that you expect the same from him and that involves weekly counseling with an EFFECTIVE LMFT or other therapist.
Give a an ultimatum day (May 1st ?) after which time you will henceforth deal with him via your attorney if he refuses to make a decision.
I know that is a possibility and something that he has said to me. I told him that he just left me to take care of myself and he is spending so much time trying to decide what to tell her. He said He knew I could take care of myself.
I guess that is a flowery way of what you said briefly above.
That is not what you want to hear from him. You want something firm and solid, and more of the same.....
NOT more of the same ....... (I meant).
When I found out what was going on he asked for a divorce and the next day he asked me to give him 3months to decide what he wanted to do. Then a time limit was discussed in July. Then in Nov and out of the blue in Feb he said he wanted to come back but then when back to NJ that weekend to discuss things with her which made me very angry.
So then will you continue to enable him or take a stand?
I have been on a rollercoaster and he keeps asking me to give him more time but my limits are getting there but in the mean time I am having fun doing what I want to do what I am getting tired od having fun and being on the move I want answers in my life.
Then demand them.
I think I aqm afraid of the answer.
Then you are not ready.
How will I know when I am ready. You can tell I am a mess that I am talking to you and no offense I had no one else to talk to.
You have picked a patient man and I am glad to help.
You will know that you are ready when you get so angry that you lay down the law to him. Right now he controls the situation because you are afraid to know the answer. One day you will see that it is true: the truth SHALL set you free.
to see what is true.
I am sure you have seen this often enough I guess I have to stop running away and face reality. What do you mean by "to see what is true"????
You said you are afraid of the truth, afraid of seeing the truth. When you see it, and it doesn't look promising, when you run out of patience, you will act and take charge of the situation which he now controls.
And yes, I have seen this quite often. It is hard to face the facts when they hurt so much. That is a word you have heard quite often. Denial.
Yes I think I am in DENIAL. I am a type of person who can usually find a way to do things and I can't get things to go the way I want now. I am in no means spoiled, I work very hard to get things but no matter how hard I work at this it doesn't seem to go the way I want. I know you can't get everything you want in life but I haven't given up easily
You will have to know when the time is right to fold your cards. Not giving up isn't always a sign of strength or wisdom.
I guess I will follow Kenny Rogers advice too to know when to fold your cards and go home and go to bed. Thank you for listening to me.
One other card option before you toddle off - you can raise the ante and see if HE will fold. That is the way a gambler can win with a bad hand.
I wish you great success. and will keep you in my prayers.
What do you mean by saying for me to raise the ante and see if he folds?
Threaten legal action.
ok Thank you!
You are quite welcome. I wish you the best..