Hi! I am 46 years old. My problem is that my only sister has turned against me ( over something trivual ) I live on my own, she has family. My parents does not get involved. They keep in touch with her and also speaks about her and everybody else around her when I am around them. Very very painful situation (has been going on for 4 years now). I feel so that I am constantly dwelling over this and how to solve it. I have been trying to get my mum to help me to speak to her to try to regain positive relations but she has now after 4 years said she is not. I have also tried to invite her to my house with fail, she was busy. I have written her a letter that I have explained I want evrything to be good ,us to be friends and sisters. She has not replied. It's all getting me very very down. Please what is your advise on this? Kind regards XXXXX [email protected]
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am truly sorry to now about this very frustrating situation.
The scenario you depicted is very sad since it shows how such an important relationship in your lives could be damaged this much because of something not truly worthy. You said it was something "trivial" that led her to become this way towards you. From your words it also seems that this problem has been going on for a long period of time. You mentioned how your mother, after 4 years, has told you she would not help you to heal this relationship.
It is true that parents of adult children need to keep healthy boundaries, but they should not imply ending every form of emotional support, specially in circumstances like this one. I think you have been grieving for all this long not only the relationship with your sister, but also the lack of support from your parents. It seems you have done everything possible to show her how much you care and are willing to do to make things work between you.
On the other hand, her behaviors shows the opposite, that she is not really interested, that she does not want your relationship to heal and grow, and even though it is very sad and perhaps overwhelming for you, it is necessary for you to come to terms with the fact that regardless how hard you could work to promote your relationship, as long as she chooses not to do the same, your situation would not improve.
It always takes two people to make a relationship work, and she has chosen long ago not to allow you to get closer neither have a new chance to work on your relationship, and that does not say anything wrong about you, but shows how much her personal issues around it limit her ability to work on healing your relationship, and enjoying something healthy and fulfilling together, since you have no more siblings. It could be much easier for her since she has your parents support and her own family around her, and this is why I suggest you to come to terms with this painful situation where you have no power to make it work, unless she chooses to allow it, taking also a mature, sensitive and assertive approach.
Does it make sense?
Thank you for your answer. I feel so that I cannot give up on resolving things they are to important.I have like you suggest taken a assertive approach and... somehow hoping that it will somehow resolve eventually.
To have hope and keep doing your best with an open heart and mind, while not attaching to outcomes that do not totally depend on you, would allow you to take good care of yourself while promoting chances for healing in your relationship.
This is a tough circumstance, specially for you, but you need to approach it in ways leading you to be and feel better, regardless the unavoidable limitations, once you need and deserve to take good care of yourself, enjoy life, have a healthy mood and fulfilling relationships and experiences beyond this core relationship.
You're very welcome. Thank you for being this open here and for your trust.
I just cannot accept that my parents is not doing more since they see how this is all affecting me.
Life presents multiple challenges, many of them pushing us to reassess your core values, beliefs, ways of doing things and worldviews, thus it gives us multiple chances for growth and improvement, even through painful circumstances. She has her own life learning and growth process, time, experiences, need and pain would allow her to mature and value things even more. Let's hope she takes many of those opportunities for her own good and for those close to her.
Yes this is hard.
That's very frustrating, since as I sad before, the connection you all have as a family is unique, and parents do continue to play a key role at the emotional and psychological level in their children's lives, and choosing to be this passive, or even more, to codependently support or enable her behavior with their passivity is very painful and frustrating. But this is also nobody can control by them. I t could be that this very passivity and issues around it led them to promote such unhealthy approached in the past when raising her, and if not, they seem to have been doing it for this long, which is not something healthy nor helpful for sure.
I am workong on it.
I am working on it.
In scenarios like this, working on creating and promoting a healthier support system is very important, once family's core role is that limited, developing and nurturing healthy and meaningful friendships with other people, compatible with your own values, beliefs, expectations and life style becomes very important, since we all need to have this special support, specially when feeling down or overwhelmed by painful situations. She has your parents , husband and her own family supporting her, and you need also to have people close to you to play that role. It is hard, but necessary and worthy.
Yes i am working on this with myself it is true what you are saying but ideally I would like the parents to help out more to resolve... this.
I totally agree with you, and you have already done what depends on you to get their support, now it's up to them to choose the role their want to continue playing in this situation. Thus you need to continue living your life taking the best care of yourself while sharing and getting healthy support from other close caring people in your life.
I think this is the way forward...thank you so much for your anwers and it has been helpful to me.
You're very welcome. I support you and hope the best for you in this tough but worthy process.
Take gentle care.
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