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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Hi, my name is XXXXX XXXXX im emailing you about,my friend/boyfriend Frank. Hes a nice guy

Resolved Question:

Hi, my name is XXXXX XXXXX im emailing you about,my friend/boyfriend Frank. Hes a nice guy and respects me,never tries to hug me much or even kissme, although were both strict catholics. but even so, I'd like a hug once in a while. Anyway, im worried more about his personality. Ive known him almost all my life, like 24 years. Hes introverted, but lately the past 2 years on teh phone ive noticed a " silence" like i get mad. i have to do the talking, and i like it when the guy talks alot, cause im shy myself. i noticed if hes upset with me, or just whatever he clams up, and i get this silent thing. i canot stand it. id rather have a guy talk alot. plus he doesnt smile much, all his life a serious person, wheras i laugh .alot,andam smiley. I dont know what to do, cause he wants to have a talk, ive rejected his marriage proposals like 4 times, in the past 5 years. i do like him but dont know if its a serious problem. his aunt told me hes like his dadhe'd control his wife. should i takewory
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question Shelly.

Dr. L :

I can understand how frustrating and even upsetting Frank

Dr. L :

's behavior and communication is for you.

Dr. L :

Absolutely...hugs, holding hands, and kissing are important to a healthy relationship.

Customer:

Yes doctor, i dont mean to bother you, but i need a professionals help, you can ask me questions too!

Dr. L :

And the silent treatment is a poor way of communicating.

Dr. L :

Tell me why you have turned down his proposals? Because of the lack of romance? the lack of communication?

Customer:

i like extroverts, personally, maybe cause opposites attract? im kind of shy, but yet am bubly, and smile alot

Dr. L :

Yes...sometimes opposites attract... but not always. It

Customer:

Yes i turnd him down aobut 3 times, cause i dont like his personality, and he isnt spontanious i guess.

Dr. L :

s more about feeling comfortable, feeling safe, feeling loved and wanted.

Dr. L :

Okay. Why not break up then and start dating other men?

Dr. L :

If you have known Frank forever...maybe he just bores you...as there is nothing new about him...nothing exciting...

Customer:

I know ive tried looking, there arent too many nice men, but i guess i can look. is there a mental problem behind a guy who is talking a little on phone then theres complete silence, and i ask whats wrong, but he says nothing.

Customer:

i know mayoure right. be y

Dr. L :

Likely not a mental problem...but more about poor communication. Usually silence means:

Dr. L :

1. I don't have anything to say

Dr. L :

2. I'm angry but don't want to admit it.

Customer:

he is like that if i do or say something that he dont like he clams up. i dont like that. id alt least admit it.

Dr. L :

The other thing Shelly is that most men don't talk as much as women. Women have a big dictionary with many,many words. Men seem to have a much smaller dictionary.

Dr. L :

Yes...I agree. He should admit if he is mad...that way you can talk it out. If he clams up...well then nothing changes...

Customer:

i know thats true, but is there soemthing wrong with a guy who doesnt seem happy to se me, or try to hug me, yet wants to marry me, he sems like rigid.?

Customer:

ususaly when a guy loves a girl he is hapy to se her. maybe im weird but i thouhgt anyway.

Dr. L :

I agree that's odd...if he wants to marry you he ought to be excited as heck to see you...should want to hug and kiss you...and yes...it sounds like he is rigid.

Dr. L :

There is a good book you could read to help you better understand communication patterns in men and women:

Customer:

i now he's a mamas boy. he was sheltered al his life maybe that has something to do with it. my dad thinks he has some hangups,

Customer:

ok i might read the book, i tend to be atracted to talkative outgoing men, cause im kind of shy

Dr. L :

You don't understand. Men and Women in Conversation by Deborah Tannen

Customer:

i got men are gfrom mars and womenare from venus is that a good book?

Dr. L :

This is a very good book and will help you understand more about communication.

Dr. L :

Yes...that's a good book to. This is not about sex though...just about communication.

Dr. L :

If Frank was sheltered by his mother...then he may not know how to talk to other people...especially women. What would you think about the two of you going to couple's counseling. Would that be possible?

Customer:

in the meantime i think ill try to be with a more talkative guy. ,ears ago,that hes a nice guyHis aunt warned me a few years ago, that hes like his dad, who passed away, controlling, if i married him, like thing have to be his way. yes counseling might be good. i dont know if he's willing to go?

Customer:

i dont want to be cntrolled, you have to watch the silent types they say

Customer:

he can hold gududges too!

Customer:

should i take heed? fro his aunts advise?

Dr. L :

Ask Frank about going to counseling. If he wants to marry you...then going to counseling would be critical. You might say, "Frank, you have asked me several times to marry you. I would like the two of us to go to counseling together to see if marriage would be a good move for us."

Customer:

hes very analytical like a deep thinker, i m not used to that. im more of a free spritit. plus he walked right by my friends a few months ago when i was with them, and didnt even say hi to them? thats not nice.

Dr. L :

If you ask that way...maybe he will be open to therapy as a way to get you to say Yes to marriage.

Customer:

ok yo. maybeure right, i agre e with you doctor. we need therapy. or maybe i can do something. i canot stand quiet men much. maybe its me.

Dr. L :

I wouldn't necessarily listen to his aunt. She might not know everything about him..only what she sees. The counseling would be the best avenue to really understanding if he is marrying material.

Dr. L :

Do you think he didn't see them? Or was angry at them for some reason? It might be that he was distracted?

Customer:

ok ill read that book and try to get counseling. i dont know why hes like that. no he seen my friends. he doesnt like me singing with them at a nursing home for the elderly, that doesnt make sense? i like singing and playing guitar w/ my friends.

Dr. L :

I don't think it's just you. It's okay if you don't like quiet guys...that's not a bad thing..it's just what it is. From what you have written..you are shy and so having someone talk makes it easier on you and more comfortable.

Customer:

yes youre right docotr, thats true. i think a counselor will help us to figure out if it will work or not.

Dr. L :

He should not stand in the way of things you like to do! Volunteering like that is a good thing...good for the resident of the nursing home and good for you!

Customer:

thank you docotr i like playing the guitar. he seem s like he only lik friendses certain people. thats not good, i mean my

Customer:

my friends that is? i mean

Dr. L :

The therapist will be able to assess your relationship and help you to make it healthier...and to tell you what things you two need to work on if the relationship is to survive.

Customer:

i need to confront him, i dont knwo why i dont

Customer:

ok youre right, ill try to get a therapist to help us. maybe im just better off with an extrovert, im so confused, but a counselor will ehelp.

Dr. L :

Yes...I would confront him about his negative attitude about your friends and the things you like to do. He should be happy that these friends bring you joy...and the same with the volunteer work!

Customer:

yea, thats true its good to volunteer, i fidn it rewarding.

Customer:

maybe hes just an unhappy person, i dont knwo? i know he is very tight knit w/ the family.

Dr. L :

It's probably more about him...not about all introverts or extraverts. An introvert who is warm, caring, compassionate, romantic may be a good choice for you. But an introvert who doesn't talk much and who isn't supportive of your friends or activities is not good.

Customer:

i never met any of hs friends/ that is weird? no?

Dr. L :

Yes...that's wierd you haven't met any of his friends in all these years. Maybe he doesn't have any? Maybe his friends are his family?

Customer:

i agree with you doctor, cause im shy,but am a warm loving person, and like to laugh alot and have a good time, im happy go lucky

Customer:

thats true he s always with the relatives all the time.

Dr. L :

All of us are a mix of introvert and extravert...we usually like to stay in one position..but we can move between the two...

Dr. L :

So he may have no need for non-family friends..

Customer:

he nev and im 38.er had a girlfrend either at 40 years old, ive had liek 6 or 7

Dr. L :

He might be what is called a "late bloomer"....he might not have had an interest in girls until he was older...

Dr. L :

It's a bit strange..but it happens.

Customer:

thats true. i guess im diferent, im more outgoing, especially, acause im a nurses adie, so i have to be compassionate, whereas, hes at a desk all day in a cubicle.

Customer:

i know youre right, i guess thats the best to do is see a counselor, and get help w/ relatonship.

Dr. L :

Good point. Your job allows you to be with people and to have the great opportunity to socialize with others...he's in a cubicle talking to the walls and so he gets no practice talking.

Dr. L :

Yes..please ask Frank to see a couple's counselor with you and get a session scheduled.

Dr. L :

I think you will feel a lot better once you sit down and talk with a professional.

Customer:

yes thats true. i guess its best to just read teh book, and get help. i agree with you. so you dont think he has a problem like mental? ok itrust your judgement

Dr. L :

It doesn't seem like he has a psychological problem. I think it is more about being a momma's boy, not having a job that makes him talk alot, not having a dating history, and not being a good verbal communicator.

Dr. L :

I would give him a 2nd chance here by going to therapy and seeing how he does with that.

Customer:

i wont keep you much longer, but it seems like i like older men better. like 20 years older, the young guys nowadays dont realy know how to comunicate or treat women right. its jsut my opinion, but ive noticed that. thanks for heling eme

Dr. L :

You are very welcome!

Dr. L :

You have a good plan now! I wish you good luck Shelly!

Customer:

ok thanks for your help doctor. good luck with your profession, take care.

Dr. L :

Thanks!

Dr. L :

Have a good evening.

Dr. L :

Bye.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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