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I believe that I can help.
Your situation sounds very difficult and it does not seem that your situation is very hopeful.
Understandably you want things to be the way they were, but they have changed or you have learned the other side of this man. Now that the truth has been shown, you cannot undo what you see and how you have been treated.
There is a great deal wrong with this relationship.
He shows no romantic interest in you and only a passing sexual interest.
He calls you an emotional abuser whereas he seems to be the one abusing you.
He could be a narcissist by the way he tries to manipulate you and blame you and make you the guilty one when in fact you are the victim.
I am going to send you the criteria for narcissism, on a hunch, and you tell me what you think. These are the "official ones".
He reminds me of all the things he does for me financially at times and I tell him what about the emotional support
Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(DSM IV - TR)
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Does this ring a bell with you?
Emotional support is the basis of relationships.
A lot of it yes
Does he lack empathy for others? Can he not feel your pain or hurt?
He can be the nicest guy,so loving and supportive and then nothing.He blames me for questioning him about things eg porn
I feel he has trouble showing empathy and he tells me it's because he doesnt know which way to turn.I feel alone at times that he just does not seem to care or has closed off his emotions from me.
He has two children,they are adults and he seems to care a lot about them,a bit too much at times where he consumes his life by worrying about them
If he is a narcissist then he does not have the ability to have empathy (sometimes mother and children are exceptions - sometimes).
Narcissists are the best liars, the best con artists.
They are charming and everyone thinks they're great (except for spouses).
Well I have believed him to have trouble showing me the love,I know he lost his own parents young.I felt in the past the connection but now it's like he has pulled away emotionally.
And he has an issue with porn as well.
Well my own family are starting to see him in another light lately.
And what light is that?
Yes and wont admit to doing it lately but I found more in the house,and it's not just usual porn it's 20 year olds...this has been degrading for me.
They think he has changed a lot,they think he has a drinking problem.
Can you leave him?
IT's not easy....I have thought about this a lot.I want things to go back to the way they are I guess.I am living on hope right now but cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I got a text message from him apoligising for all he has done wrong this morning
I have half packed up the house
Empty words or deep meaning from the heart indicating real change?
it's in text,it means nothing to me
I didn't think it meant anything to you.
he has been a rock of support for me in the past and so loving and now it's like he no longer cares about my feelings
He needs you to look up to him and need him and he needs someone to control. If that foundation is gone, then what is left?
that's true,I dont know
I still love him very much and know he can be a good man.....I just dont see how his doing the wrong by me with porn and me feeling insecure should result in him pullisng away all emotions
No woman wants to put up with a porn addict, which degrades women and lets the man spend his sexual energy on images.
he wont admit he has one
he tries to hide it but I find it and he finds excuses
like I said he will never admit hes wrong
the whole time I am screaming out for attention from him yet not getting it and he turns it all around on me blaming me for all and why hes pulled away.
So you have half packed up your house which means you have one foot out the door and are on the verge of making a step forward or a step backwards.
If he is a narcissist, then he will blame the victim. That is the pattern.
thta's true,I have moved back to my hometown to be around my family here and to tell them that things have not worked out will be hard to do.I feel I have disappointed them too somewhat as I left a 7 yr relationship a few years ack that was unhealthy too
I feel like a failure Elliot
There are so many narcissists out there. You are a good person and they make the easiest targets.
You do not sound like a failure to me.
It does not matter what others say. It matters about your life and how you feel.
I have high morals....I expect the same in return as I give to others...he broke that not long back and rather then make me feel special he has done nothing and tells me he is not doing it any more...well something like that is not easy to stop especially if hes been doing it for a long time.He makes me feel like it's all my fault and yes I have checked his phone at times....but for good reason....he seems secretive and hides it....listen to me...I should not be putting myself through this.
He tells me im not happy.....I am by nature a bubbly person,it is he that brings his work home....and I try to cheer him up....so I am the unhappy one...I laugh about that.
He is making you miserable. The more that you tell me the more I think that he is not for you, and that this realtionship will never bring you happiness.
His marriage failed because he states..."she was not interested in sex anymore" and then told him she didnt love him....im thinking he was so consumed by his porn she did not compete with these airbrushed women and he showed her no interest either...
Well, the bright side is that you are already half-packed and your friends and family sort of expect this.
I needed a man that would love me and be honest,loyal and trusthworthy....someone that would care about my feelings as I have been through a lot....what part of this does he not understand?
Ok well I will continue on my journey Elliot as I don't think there is any resolution here with him...even though he says he loves me....to me actions speak louder then words.
It seems like there is no resolution to thiS Elliot
And you have your standards, which he does not meet. You described the kind of man you are looking for and HE is NOT the one, not my a mile.
Well no,it doesnt
Resolution means starting the next chapter of your life. You will survive and thrive, and find your bubbly nature again.
yeah my mojo :) been here before
You are very depressed from this relationship and the cure is to move forward.
You will overcome this and be happy again. That is the way it will be.
Yeah I am drained
If he did the right thing I would not have to question him
But he didn't. Alas.
My trying to talk to him results in an arguement...
I try to communicate my feelings and it ends up ugly
So this is predictable and will continue until you decide not to communicate.
yes,I know what I need to do for me
he was my knight in shining armor once and now hes someone I no longer know
thanks for your time Elliot and you have yourself a good day.
I shall keep you in my prayers. You sound like a terrific woman and some lucky man will be able to honour you as the partner you deserve.
thankyou Elliot,I really do not want to be in a relationship for a very long time now,I put all my faith in this man only to be hurt again
You have a great day