How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Elliott, LPCC, NCC Your Own Question

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
40019946
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Elliott, LPCC, NCC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My boyfriend of just over a year always blames me for our problems.I

Customer Question

My boyfriend of just over a year always blames me for our problems.I put him on a pedestal in the beginning,he was kind,caring and seemed to put me first.Now he just does not seem to care.Some months back I found pornography hidden in the house.He stopped touching me and showing me affection yet was turning to porn.When I approached him he got angry,he would call me names and belittle me.I started feeling lonely in our relationship and like he was just not interested in me,hell i am not bad looking and have had boyfriends in the past that have shown me a lot of interest yet with this one I could walk past him naked and not be noticed.He got a new moile,one with a bigger screen,I found accidently while he loaned it to me one day that he had been looking at porn....that proably explains why he seems just not interested in me.Also,he tends to call his family and whine about me a lot,I caught him talking about me to his sister last week.I get told often that I am not adventurous as far as sex goes.In fact I am quite the opposite,I have been extremely adventurous,however with him I feel like I cannot be free to be myself and sex should not be initiated by just a tweak of the breast right?I need the words,the affection,the cuddles,the kissing too and get none of that.We live together,probably a bad move seeing now how things have gone.Last week I questioned him about his finances with his "wife" and yes he has not applied for a divorce even after promising me.So I asked him some things and he got angry and his anger went into a rage where he started calling me names.I felt so humiliated....but I pretended all was well as i had a family weekend planned and did not want it ruined with my children.After this we went to a family dinner where he was drunk,he had been drinking all afternoon knowing that we were going out and he sat at the dinner table slumping and got angry at the waitress.I once again felt humiliated.Last night I told him it was over....even though I love him still and want back what we had.He has changed so much over these last weeks to a point where I feel like he no longer cares.He said he would be sad as its not what he wants but actions speak louder then words....He told me earlier that I was an emotional abuser....I was shocked as I try and talk to him about things that may be bothering me.He also told me my family think I am crazy....this really hurt me as they know nothing of whats going on.I don't know what to do,where to begin here...I am truly at a loss.One part of me says to leave,the other says stay but not under these cirumstances where he gets angry and abusive.What do I do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your situation sounds very difficult and it does not seem that your situation is very hopeful.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Understandably you want things to be the way they were, but they have changed or you have learned the other side of this man. Now that the truth has been shown, you cannot undo what you see and how you have been treated.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

There is a great deal wrong with this relationship.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He shows no romantic interest in you and only a passing sexual interest.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He calls you an emotional abuser whereas he seems to be the one abusing you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He could be a narcissist by the way he tries to manipulate you and blame you and make you the guilty one when in fact you are the victim.

Customer:

Hi Elliot

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I am going to send you the criteria for narcissism, on a hunch, and you tell me what you think. These are the "official ones".

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Hi

Customer:

He reminds me of all the things he does for me financially at times and I tell him what about the emotional support

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

NPD DSM


Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder


(DSM IV - TR)


A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:


(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)


(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love


(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)


(4) requires excessive admiration


(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations


(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends


(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others


(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her


(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


Does this ring a bell with you?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


Emotional support is the basis of relationships.

Customer:

A lot of it yes

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does he lack empathy for others? Can he not feel your pain or hurt?

Customer:

He can be the nicest guy,so loving and supportive and then nothing.He blames me for questioning him about things eg porn

Customer:

I feel he has trouble showing empathy and he tells me it's because he doesnt know which way to turn.I feel alone at times that he just does not seem to care or has closed off his emotions from me.

Customer:

He has two children,they are adults and he seems to care a lot about them,a bit too much at times where he consumes his life by worrying about them

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If he is a narcissist then he does not have the ability to have empathy (sometimes mother and children are exceptions - sometimes).

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Narcissists are the best liars, the best con artists.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

They are charming and everyone thinks they're great (except for spouses).

Customer:

Well I have believed him to have trouble showing me the love,I know he lost his own parents young.I felt in the past the connection but now it's like he has pulled away emotionally.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And he has an issue with porn as well.

Customer:

Well my own family are starting to see him in another light lately.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And what light is that?

Customer:

Yes and wont admit to doing it lately but I found more in the house,and it's not just usual porn it's 20 year olds...this has been degrading for me.

Customer:

They think he has changed a lot,they think he has a drinking problem.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Can you leave him?

Customer:

IT's not easy....I have thought about this a lot.I want things to go back to the way they are I guess.I am living on hope right now but cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Customer:

I got a text message from him apoligising for all he has done wrong this morning

Customer:

I have half packed up the house

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Empty words or deep meaning from the heart indicating real change?

Customer:

it's in text,it means nothing to me

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I didn't think it meant anything to you.

Customer:

he has been a rock of support for me in the past and so loving and now it's like he no longer cares about my feelings

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He needs you to look up to him and need him and he needs someone to control. If that foundation is gone, then what is left?

Customer:

that's true,I dont know

Customer:

I still love him very much and know he can be a good man.....I just dont see how his doing the wrong by me with porn and me feeling insecure should result in him pullisng away all emotions

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

No woman wants to put up with a porn addict, which degrades women and lets the man spend his sexual energy on images.

Customer:

he wont admit he has one

Customer:

he tries to hide it but I find it and he finds excuses

Customer:

like I said he will never admit hes wrong

Customer:

the whole time I am screaming out for attention from him yet not getting it and he turns it all around on me blaming me for all and why hes pulled away.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

So you have half packed up your house which means you have one foot out the door and are on the verge of making a step forward or a step backwards.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If he is a narcissist, then he will blame the victim. That is the pattern.

Customer:

thta's true,I have moved back to my hometown to be around my family here and to tell them that things have not worked out will be hard to do.I feel I have disappointed them too somewhat as I left a 7 yr relationship a few years ack that was unhealthy too

Customer:

back

Customer:

I feel like a failure Elliot

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

There are so many narcissists out there. You are a good person and they make the easiest targets.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You do not sound like a failure to me.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It does not matter what others say. It matters about your life and how you feel.

Customer:

I have high morals....I expect the same in return as I give to others...he broke that not long back and rather then make me feel special he has done nothing and tells me he is not doing it any more...well something like that is not easy to stop especially if hes been doing it for a long time.He makes me feel like it's all my fault and yes I have checked his phone at times....but for good reason....he seems secretive and hides it....listen to me...I should not be putting myself through this.

Customer:

He tells me im not happy.....I am by nature a bubbly person,it is he that brings his work home....and I try to cheer him up....so I am the unhappy one...I laugh about that.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He is making you miserable. The more that you tell me the more I think that he is not for you, and that this realtionship will never bring you happiness.

Customer:

His marriage failed because he states..."she was not interested in sex anymore" and then told him she didnt love him....im thinking he was so consumed by his porn she did not compete with these airbrushed women and he showed her no interest either...

Customer:

I agree...

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Well, the bright side is that you are already half-packed and your friends and family sort of expect this.

Customer:

I needed a man that would love me and be honest,loyal and trusthworthy....someone that would care about my feelings as I have been through a lot....what part of this does he not understand?

Customer:

They do...

Customer:

Ok well I will continue on my journey Elliot as I don't think there is any resolution here with him...even though he says he loves me....to me actions speak louder then words.

Customer:

It seems like there is no resolution to thiS Elliot

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And you have your standards, which he does not meet. You described the kind of man you are looking for and HE is NOT the one, not my a mile.

Customer:

Well no,it doesnt

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Resolution means starting the next chapter of your life. You will survive and thrive, and find your bubbly nature again.

Customer:

yeah my mojo :) been here before

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are very depressed from this relationship and the cure is to move forward.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You will overcome this and be happy again. That is the way it will be.

Customer:

Yeah I am drained

Customer:

bad

Customer:

If he did the right thing I would not have to question him

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

But he didn't. Alas.

Customer:

My trying to talk to him results in an arguement...

Customer:

I try to communicate my feelings and it ends up ugly

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

So this is predictable and will continue until you decide not to communicate.

Customer:

yes,I know what I need to do for me

Customer:

he was my knight in shining armor once and now hes someone I no longer know

Customer:

thanks for your time Elliot and you have yourself a good day.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall keep you in my prayers. You sound like a terrific woman and some lucky man will be able to honour you as the partner you deserve.

Customer:

thankyou Elliot,I really do not want to be in a relationship for a very long time now,I put all my faith in this man only to be hurt again

Customer:

You have a great day

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
5114 Satisfied Customers
35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.