I believe that I can help you.
Nicotine addiction is one of the hardest to beat. Not only is it physically addictive but it is also a substance that can make you feel calmer, making it even harder to quit.
Because it is so addictive, denying yourself is actually painful. You have developed a NEED for it. Smoking (or otherwise ingesting nicotine) actually relieves that pain. It give the addicted person real pleasure.
Pleasure, in many instances, is the relief from pain. Similarly, if you have an overwhelming need to relieve your bladder, for example, doing so is pleasurable, as is removing a painful splinter or having a drink of water when you are absolutely parched.
Addictions are the same way, except they have been artificially induced. The pain and relieve mechanisms, however are real.
Your spouse needs to realize that this is a real addiction and is difficult to break. It is listed in the psychiatric diagnostic manual (DSM-IV) as a diagnosable disorder (292.0 Nicotine Withdrawal and 305.10 Nicotine Dependence).
You should not feel you have to hide this from your wife and she should not be putting undue pressure on you.
Ingesting nicotine (especially smoking, but chewing or dipping too) is very harmful as you know and have heard too many times.
Perhaps you are trying to quit.
Talk to your doctor about the medication called bupropion (marketed as Wellbutrin and Zyban, among other brands) which is very effective and used for depression, anxiety
, and smoking cessation.
It is not harmful like another smoking cessation drug, Chantrix.
It also does NOT promote weight gain nor does it produce any sexual side effects (low libido or erectile dysfunction) as many other antidepressants do.
This can be worked out with much less anguish than you are experience now. The bupropion will be extremely effective and your doctor should not hesitate to give this to you.
Share this with your spouse to bring understanding and support which will help more than anything if you are trying to quit.
I shall keep you in my prayers.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC