I would like to help you with your question.
I am sorry that you have been treated with disrespect, abuse, and a total lack of compassion.
Family businesses are very difficult environments to work in...and you have seen all of this up close and personal.
Yeah, in the words of the late biggie smalls "money and blood" don't mix
What you already understand is that the best way for you to recover from all from all of this is to live an ethical life. Keeping your "nose" clean by treating people well, staying within the law, and using your own conscience and life experience as guides will make all the difference in regaining your self-worth and becoming successful.
I think i was blessed (or cursed) with a heavy conscience. I have trouble excelling with out being exploited.
Yes...beating them at their own game will be an antidote to what you have endured. Yet...working for revenge only is not the answer. Using revenge as a way to initially motivate yourself may be healthy...but in the end you want this to be about your dreams, your skills, your internal motivation to do good.
I think I did the right thing. But the wounds wont heal
What can I do to get the anxiety to pass?
Yes...you did the right thing by walking away. And...if you were working for a corporation you likely would have had a case against them for physical violence. But from what you wrote you were working "off the books" - right...there was no taxes, unemployment, etc. being paid?
Anxiety is about fear. So ask yourself what are you afraid of? Are you afraid that your cousin and dad will find out you have started a similar business?
I was working in Florida as an "independent contractor" which means I have no legal recourse
Okay...so you had no recourse. I would still check with an attorney to see if you have any rights...but that's up to you.
In any event, let's look at the anxiety...
What do you feel afraid of? Do you know?
I'm more afraid of trusting them and confiding in my father then the starting my own business.
Then don't trust them and don't confide in your father...at least until you have healed more and have the strength of will to stand up for what you believe in.
I think you have ample experience that says these are not people you should trust...blood or no blood.
I say that I still love my cousin but that I have no respect for him. I don't think I can forgive him. He doesn't even acknowledge he has done me wrong.
It doesn't sound like your father has been very supportive...I would advise you to stay away from any talk about work...
on top of that my parents are divorced.
he has been there financially
There are different levels of relationship. You can love someone but dislike their behavior. That sounds like what you are saying here...
thats really all. I feel like a bastard.
Where is your mother in all of this? Is she supportive of you?
Why do you feel like a bastard?
You have the right to carve out a relationship that works for you. It would seem that there ought to be a no talk rule about work...you got abused there...get that off the table until you feel stronger or until they show some understanding of what happened...
because my dad has ruined his second marrage with my mother. He was cheating and won't own up to it. even after I told him we had to talk and took him out on a canoe trip
my dad never even played catch with me except once
he was more concerned with work and has a reputation of being unfaithful
hence my mother divorcing him
and his first wife
So why do you feel so loyal to your father?
because he bailed me out of jail for marijuana possession twice.
he sent me to military high school even when my behavior improved in 8th grade ( i feel that it was because he was in the midst of divorce and wanted a place to stick me)
I know hes done more drugs than me when he was my age. and as of now he doesn't abuse any substance but he enables his gf to be drunk 24.7
I guess my loyality to him is based on his financial support soley
Most people want a loving, healthy, and happy relationship with their parents. But the truth is, it doesn't always work out that way.
What might be the best course of action here is to figure out what you can live with in a relationship with your father.
What I hear you saying is:
I love my dad.
I don't agree with his 24/7 drunk gf
It hurt when my dad did not defend me against my cousin
I have wounds from childhood because my dad wasn't an ideal dad and he sent me off to military school
I question how my dad feels about me from time to time
My dad has helped me out of some significant scapes in life
If I have this correct, then it's back to what I said earlier:
you love your dad
you don't love some of his behavior
not to mention when i was in elementary school social services had a case against him for beating me
That means that you need to establish some boundaries with your dad...boundaries that keep you safe, that give you want you need from him, and protect you from things you don't need/want or that hurt
So...those boundaries might be something like:
but I have no male role model to confide in. I want to be better father then him one day. All I know is what not to do..
I will talk to and spend time with my dad without his gf around
If gf is around and she is drunk, I will make my apologizes and leave
I will attempt to get to know my dad as another man in the world.
I will find other men who can help me understand the role of a father
I will vow to learn how to be a father before I become a father
Do you see where I am going here?
Yes, it sounds like your father was not the father you needed or wanted. So...you need to make the best of what he does offer and find other substitutes who can help fill out your understanding of father.
"I will attempt to get to know my dad as another man in the world." - you mean a man and not as my dad?
One good book you can read is Iron John by Robert Bly
You might also consider a male support group...
never knew of such athing
Yes...I mean as a man. Your father didn't do a great job at being a father...so it will help to see him as another man...that way you can let go of the resentment and bitterness you have about father...
the book will help. I read "the anger trap" and it has changed my life in how i deal with anger (converting it to assertiveness)
Yes..there are men's groups in many communities...you could do an internet search for such a group in your community, check your newspaper for listing of men's groups, or even talk to a priest or pastor...
You might also read:
Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns
what would a title of men's group be?
is usually how they are titled.
Do you attend church?
really? not mens group for such and such?
Churches usually have men's groups...
Nope...just Men's Group
I don't but I go every now and then to pray. wheter it be for help, thanks or for others i go sometimes
* I don't go to mass* (correction)
That's cool...you can check around at various churches...it's not going to matter if you belong to the church or not...these things welcome anyone.
You might also check at school...they might have a group.
I go to college online. I moved back to PA with my mother.
another good book
You are welcome.
Is there any last thing I can help you with tonight?
Yes.. my cousin
I harbor a good amount of hate towards him and lot of disgust
Yes...I can understand why that would be.
But again...what you hate and find disgusting is his behavior.
If you can separate out the behavior from the person...you are likely to be more at peace.
We can hate someone's behavior and want them to change it...but we still care about that person-the essence of who they are.
It's like when you were a kid. You might have refused to put on your shoes when you mom asked you. Your mother probably didn't like that you disobeyed her...right. But that did not change the love she had in her heart for you.
Same thing here...
You have no power to change your cousin's behavior. Zero. None.
You can tell him that you feel he treated you poorly and that you want an apology. But whether he understands his behavior and if he is willing to apologize is not something you can make happen.
Sad, but true.
The day after he fired me. I slept 12 hours woke up still pissed off. I explained to my dad that if my cousin was going to extort his power as ceo to belittle me publicly and exploit me. That I would response by knocking on his door to challenge him to a physical altercation. My suspicion is that my cousin trys to act like my uncle. He has lots of insecurities that I exposed by out performing him and that he was holding me down unpurpose (again it was no secrete that I was out performing him in comparison ). When I told my Dad I was going to challange my cousin man to man .. my father basically said that was too weak and that I would get my ass kicked ( I was looking for him stick up for me or at least talk me out of it). I responded in anger by pouring a glass of water in his face.. My dad got up and chased me (like when i was little) and was threatening me with violence. I dogged his attack and threw him to the ground and left (though i didnt go to my cousin's house). I told my dad that "its a lot easier to beat a child" and I won't tolerate it anymore. He was not injured but hes an old man and I after that bit I felt so guilty I couldn't wouldn't confront my cousin
A year before that he slapped me in the office in front of the employees and family. I slapped him back and said something similar to "its not as rewarding hitting me now that im an adult and not a child" He responded to my counter slap by pulling the chair out from under me. I got up in his face and either intimidated him out of getting physical or made some type of limited impact on his conscience that made his use of physical abuse subside into verbal abuse.
I'll return later.. gonna go to dinner with my mom thanks for your help so far