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I believe that I can help. You said he abused you for 20 minutes after you exchanged blows. Can you describe exactly what this entailed?
He shoved me against walls, I slapped him again, he slapped me back. He choked me, asking me if I can breathe and telling me he is in control now.
How much did he drink?
What did he say afterwards?
a lot, it started with an argument with a friend about racism
I then told him to drop it and we came home, drama...
he said I was taking my friends part
You had your own opinion?
No, I was crying because it was my birthday and he wouldent leave the issue alone, for me
quite a bit
Do you feel that this was the real "him" coming out, disinhibited by the alcohol - he showed his other side?
I believe that he has some anger issues, but he always controlled it, I have seen him angry when drunk before but not like this, he once shouted and wanted to hit a cab driver as he took the wrong turn. I was there and stopped it, everyone that knws him well says he always steps back in any situation, never hits anyone, they are shocked
he is quite opinitated and never wants to be wrong about anything, stuggles to apolize at times too
Was he abused or abandoned as a child? He has some self-control, at least in public, but not enough to be a reliable and safe person.
Does he like to be in control of others? Does he like to be an admired person?
I believe there may be some issues that he wont open up about, I also belive that he is not comfortable with himself, being an indian man, but living in NZ for a few years to gain passport, so everytime someone says something about indian people, he hits the roof
he likes to be the man of the house as he is the bread winner at home ( I live on my own) and everyone there respects him, yes he likes to be an admired person
Do you think that this is just a cultural issue or a mental health issue? Sometimes the rules of one culture, what is acceptable, are not considered acceptable in other cultures.
I think a bit of both, Im not sure.
If in your way of thinking, his physical abuse of you is over the limit and way out of bounds then he needs to put an end to this behaviour right away and learn new rules and control his temper, which is not acceptable in terms of modern thinking. He does not own you.
I suggest that you BOTH go to therapy/counselling together so it does not become a blame issue.
If he refuses or does not see a problem, or if he tries to manipulate the therapist by distorting the truth, then you may rethink the viability of this relationship.
Obviously you are not happy with the status quo.
I was thinking to both go for the first few sessions and then he goes from there, as I belive there are deeper issued that he needs to talk about/accept/deal with
I agree. This man seems to be ready to explode at a moment's notice.
I have now given him an ultimatum as when we spoke about it a few days ago for the first time, he said that he doesent think he has a problem, but just needs to deal with things better, I disagreed and was ready to end it right there, then he asked for a few days to think about it, that's where we are now
You seem to be moving forward in a prudently measured manner. The ultimatum was probably the appropriate leverage.
Of course he may not see "it" but may say he does and make empty promises, or he may actually catch on when held up to the mirror of self-examination that counselling or therapy will bring to him.
at the same token, I really don't want to give him another chance if he is going to do it again, I don't want to become a victim.
I support your thinking completely.
He is at the edge. He can try for comeback in good faith - and you will know that - or he can just give you empty words.
You are strong and not self-deluded or in denial like so many abused people with whom I speak and that is to your great credit.
how will I know if in fact is taking therapy seriously?
You will see a change in him, a softness, an opening. It might take a few sessions for him to catch on. If he says it is now working, or it is just nonsense, then you will have an idea that it is not.
Of course it is important to have a good therapist helping him. They are as diverse in skill and ability as a carpenter or a chef.
yes one more question
I am at your service.
would you suggest a male or female for this? also there is an indian women, she seems good. given the fact that she is from the same race, will this make things better or worse?
She will probably be tough and understand how to sort his cultural issues from his personal rage.
ok thank you for the help Elliott
I shall keep you in my prayers.
I wish you great success, and than YOU.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC