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Thank you for your insight. I just feel like I am at a stand still.
I don't know how to help him see that it's worth fighting for... He doesn't want to be intimate with me or even hold my hand. It has been like this for a while. Not to this extreme though. Now I know why. He says it not that he is not attracted to me- it isn't about that. He just keeps saying this is all very heady stuff. It was our 10 year anniversary the other day- and we were given the gift of going away together--- everything seemed so forced like we were just rying to make it through the anniversary... He gave me this card that he thought was the nicest thing after we had our counseling session that day (on our anniversary). It made me soooo sad. He basically was thanking me for being such a wonderful amazing person. And telling me that I deserve everything wonderful and I am the best mom in the world...the Happy Anniversary--- nothing about us except saying that no matter what happens with us he only wants the most wonderful things for me. It made me so sad. I try not to talk to him about anything until we are in our counseling sessions... but even then, I don't want to say the wrong thing... I don't know what I can or should do to help this improve...
We both come from difficult family backgrounds. My parents divorced when I was in high school. Bad divorce. His parents divorced after we got married. His father was an alcoholic (now recovered:-)). My husband is a very strong and independent man. He never went to counseling to discuss his feelings about growning up with an alcoholic father. He says it is what it is and that's why he doens't have a close relationship with him. Although, now they talk a lot more. He dealt with alotgrowing up-- worrying if his father was going to come home, have to drive his father places because his father wasnt able-- have to get his dad from jail for on his 18th bday... he has always been very protective of his family. He, I feel, took on the male figure in his family for his mom and sister. My husband admits people just bother him and he doesn't have alot of patience for alot of people. He has gone through some serious stuff himself- hurt by his best friend... building a businees from scratch (which is taking tons of time...) I think he has soooo much resentment towards me and feels like it is such a shame that the last 10 years have been so heavy , difficult and unhappy- and because he doesnt see how change is possible he doesnt want to risk being unhappy in the future and doesn't know if he wants to... he doesnt think time will make things better. When I ask hims if he wants a divorce he says- he is not packing his bags today and leaving--- he just feels like there is no good answer and he is so angry and frustrated that it has even gotten to this point--- Our therapist suggested that he go and speak with someone on his own to work on his anger and frustration- but he isn't sure and doesn't think thats something he wants to do or needs to do.... When we started talking about things this weekend- he was so frustrated and said he need space and went to stay at his moms Sat. night. When we saw each other yesterday- it was nice- he relaxed- we kinda hung out and chatted and it was nice.... Please give me some advice:-)!!!
Do you think there is still hope even if he wont go to counseling himself? How long do I give him this space? I am nervous he is going to feel he doesn't need me if I am not present? Is it best for me not to bring anything up with him and just try and have platonic fun with him? Do I ask him on my own to go to individual counseling to see if he can move past our negative history and see some glimmer of hope for our future together? Or does he need to come up with that on his own? Should I ask our counselor for tools to help us move forward together? Does he have to on his own decide he wants to try- until he says that do I just sit on the sidelines? I told him I want to work on things- but he needs to figure out if he can. He keeps saying he is empty and has nothing to give right now.
Thank you for your advice. It sounds like the fact that he is still here is somewhat of a positive. He has said that he can't see time changing how he feels. Do people with his personality say that but then time happens and things can hopefully change? He is so strong willed and has cut people out of his life that have made him unhappy in the past. His old businees partener, even extended family members who have both hurt him and his mother and sister. He has no feelings for them. I brought this up to him at one point- and his response is I will never cut you our of my life. We will always be entwined as we have 2 amazing children together... But I am his wife--- aren't we supposed to be together through the thick and thin- and hopefully the thin is in the past??? He keeps saying that he is happy for me for the changes I am making--- not for us... he keeps saying that no matter what our relationship is he will always be here for me... I am nervous he is in therapy to ensure a good relationship in case we do split... I just keep thinking of the past and he says I really shouldn't be surprised--- and he can't help how he feels-- even witht he talking over the last almost 4 weeks- he doesn't feel any relief.... and that it's not for me to give him that relief.... I just feel so helpless and stuck and scared....and frustrated that the man I love-- that even though we have been living unhappily for so long--- that now that we have hit the bottom is contemplating opting out--- then he gets mad at me that I am puttingit on him... But- I feel like it's up to him to make the choice to try or not...
Thank you so much. It is nice to hear about the hope you see...I appreciate your time.
Yes, I definitely will! On more question. Do you think I should be going out of my way to make him feel extra special? Like number 1. I told him I want him to be my best friend-- I promise going forward I will be his. He says I can't promise that. I said I can promise that that's what I want. When I have been saying goofy stuff to him-- he asks me in a nice way why I am being so weird. I am constantly complementing him. Telling him h handsome he is... I don't want it to seem fake-- but I want him to feel special- but I also don't want to make him feel claustrophobic. I want him to remember why he fell in love with me.... and remember that I can make him feel good... I just don't remember how to? Do you have any suggestions? I know I can't initiate intamicy with him- because he has told me numerous times his head is not in that place... and then when I make bad jokes- about that- I think it aggrivates him-- but I feel like I need something positive. He told me yesterday on the phone the he loved me- but it may have been reflexive. It made me feel sooo happy. I just don't want to hang on every word or action on swaying how I feel. We are meeting withthe counselor next Monday- do you have any tricks or activities I could suggest we do in the meantime?
Thank you so much.