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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this serious situation affecting your marriage.
Could you please clarify if what leads to this lack of interest is a total lack of libido, or something affecting only your marital relationship?
No we are happy with our lives it just seems to be me and wanting sex
Sex lives in long term relationships do go through different phases and challenges, and the same way as with other life areas, it needs to be constantly nurtured in order to develop and grow with time, otherwise it could deteriorate and become non fulfilling or not appealing to one or both spouses. Could you please tell me if you have been experiencing high levels of stress in the past years or faced any serious problem at any other area from the time this problem started?
When a person who has a healthy marriage and feels good with it suddenly finds himself not having a healthy libido limiting his marital life this much, it could be that life stressors have impacted you to the point of affecting also this area. The person does not need to understand or be aware of how an issue or stress from another life area could impact his sexual life for this problem to happen, once most of what humans experience bypasses their conscious awareness of it. When this is not the case, it is the lack of active work on nurturing the sex life because of time, other concerns and responsibilities, what leads couples to find one or both of them missing this drive.
Yeah I had my own business and it was very stressful I sold it about 2 years ago and have been trying to get a balance I must say I feel I have fixed the stress problem, I also think we had a few problems over the years understanding each other but we seem to have worked that out it just the sex problem which is causing the problem now it has been several years and I suppose I just not known who to talk to about it
it's also known that depression, anxiety, high stress levels do lead to low libido problems... I see, then it makes sense. Could you please clarify your last statement? do you mean you have been having this problems for years but you have not been talking about it and how to work on it?
yep that is correct
I see, then it could be that there is not a very close open and honest communication between you, allowing you to develop and enjoy real intimacy, emotionally and sexually too, so necessary not only to truly enjoy marital life but to effectively cope with stressors and life issues like this one.
I think this could be a very helpful chance you have to start working on improving the communication and intimacy in your marriage, for you to get even closer, promoting better mutual understanding, sharing and support.
Stressful situations, specially if happening for long periods of time like in your case, could deeply undermines several areas, including sex life, even after they get resolved, and if there is not good enough coping skills, communication and intimacy in relationships, their impact could last for much longer and become chronic, fueled by any other source of stress.
Does it make sense?
I believe this could be at the core of your problem and working on these levels would ensure not only a healthy sex life but significant improvements at several levels in your marriage and lives, but it is also true that it would not be an easy task but tough, since it would challenge the patterns you have reinforced for years, which you have adjusted too and could feel more comfortable with, but it seems necessary and absolutely worthy for you as individuals and as a couple who truly care about each other and your life together.
yeah it does I understand what you are saying and I am sure there is a fair bit of damage done my wife is very willing to have our problem fixed but I must say she does seem to think it is me not wanting her this of course gets her down and I seem to close up like a book
I see, then marriage counseling would become an ideal source of support facilitating your dialogue, promoting better, more open discussion about it, with professional support that would allow you to better understand each other experience, develop better coping skills and assertive ways to improve your communication, intimacy and work on nurturing your emotional and sex lives.
This is a very sensitive topic, people could feel truly inadequate and wounded out of speculation when finding themselves not being sexually appealing to their partners. It could not be about them at all, but the fact that they feel unattractive, becomes an overwhelming issue in their minds. This is why extra support promoting accurate understanding, effective coping and assertive actions to mutually understand and support each other becomes so important.
Mmmmm just a little embarasing sitting in front of some one telling them we have not had sex for a number of years and I just do not seem to have the reason to answer that really on a whole life would be great if I could just fix this issue to tell the truth I hate the word sex it has come to that for me I think it is just the greif it causes me
Sex life is one of the most sensitive human dimensions, reflecting the person's mood, mental status, sense of well-being, stress level and much more. Anything impacting our mind or mood could immediately undermine from sexual libido to sexual performance, and it all happens without any conscious intervention, the psyche - body react that way. This is why addressing main issues at these other core levels, would deeply impact on the person and couple's sexual life.
I see, then it is a very serious issue for you because of the way you feel about it. I think now I better understand your situation but only you know how tough it feels to find yourself this conflicted. Please, seriously consider individual counseling first, since you would need to work on yourself on these issues, and from there you would be able to effectively work with your wife on this problem and benefit from marriage counseling, otherwise it would be useless, once couples-marriage counseling could not work as long as each partner does not work on resolving core serious issues first.
it does seem very tough, perhaps overwhelming for you, but it'd be necessary and absolutely worthy, once your marriage and family well-being and integrity depends on it.
Ok Rafael I need to find someone to see, with this issue and yes it is overwhelming, so I will start with me as yo suggest just the task of finding someone in the phone book I think this is the difficult part who there is so many but I must say I seem to be able to relate to you maybe thats because I can not see you but I fell from our conversation it is not an problem I share alone
Please reflect on it and reassess the pros and cons of your main options, for you to be clear about what you truly want to afford or not in this situation in the short and long term. If there is no medical condition, hormonal problem affecting you, but as it appears, it's mostly about a personal issue leading to this marital problem, then please seriously consider previous suggestions.
I do appreciate your trust and agree with you around the benefit of not having the face-to-face challenges involved in communication, specially of these topics. There are several websites offering online counseling, using interfaces with text chat, only audio or video-conference. it could be worthy to consider that too, but my suggestion is to take consistent action in order to create and promote necessary improvements with professional support.
Please commit to find sound support, there are many professionals, and not all of them competent nor ethical, so it could be very challenging for many people to find good and effective psychotherapy - counseling. I recommend people to interview at least three professionals, after talking to them by phone, where you woudl get an idea of their services, empathy, approach, a
...availability. Then you would meet the best two or three you found, and choose the one that truly feels like a good match...
because of personality, competence, ethics, and experience.
Ok I will take your advice many thanks for your time
Everything else is a matter of being open and honest for you to see how effective the therapist happen to be and how good you work together. Some times looking for a better professional is necessary, and it is part of this process. I make the same suggestion whether it is about face-to-face support or the online version of it.
You're very welcome. Thank you again for your trust and take gentle care and consistent action.