Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this serious and painful situation.
What you describe in your message is very sad and sounds overwhelmingly frustrating, since is shows not only lack of compatibility between personalities and life styles, bu a person who is able and willing to be very present and enjoy socializing with friends but with you, and who has been emotional and verbal abusive for a long period of time, which is just unacceptable, plus who may have a drinking problem, once he remains drinking without having real control of the impact this drug has in mood and behavior, and when aware of how destructive it's been leading to these serious abuse episodes.
Does it make sense?
In order to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, both partners should offer real respect, caring, empathy, understanding and support to each other. If even basic respect and caring is not present, it would be unrealistic to expect a relationship could evolve and become fulfilling. No relationship can develop as long as abuse exists, and it is also true that for adult romance and life partnership to become a meaningful reality for both partners, they have to share same core value and belief systems, needs and expectations, creating one common life style where they support each other in healthy and assertive ways.
My suggestion is for each of you to look for professional individual counseling in order to work on personal issues around abuse, communication, anger management, his alcohol problem and any other issue requiring therapy. Then couples counseling would become a potentially helpful source of support for you to work as a couple and see if you both are able and willing to heal this relationship and create a healthy and fulfilling experience together as respectful, responsible and empathetic adults.
Thank you for your response, yes it is a frustrating situation and has been impacting negatively on my life for too long, I have remained in the relationship because I have never felt as strongly for a man as I do/did for him in the initial stages of the relationship. This cycle is wearing my emotions (particularly romantic ones down) and I feel it is almost a sense of loyalty that prevents me from walking away. I have hoped to find the coping strategies to live with the drinking while thinking it might become more moderated therefor less verbal abuse but this does not seem to be the case.
My social networking proves to be an irritation because I am always off here there and everywhere. Ironically this only developed as an avenue to entertain myself because of the time he spent at the pub with mates and no interest is seeking pursuits with me.:-( He is who I would rather be with, I don't believe it is not mutual I just recognize his limited energy pattern only allows him to work, fish and drink with the mandatory property maintenance and occasional formal invitations from his 'true' group of friends. (who don't hang at the pub because they are involved with women that don't stand for it)!! He makes me feel worthless with his lack of consideration and lack of wishing to spend quality time with me. I think he needs multiple levels of counselling due to the emotional trauma of his job of 20 years and I don't know that I can give any more of my life to the relationship based on not getting that basic respect, caring and open communication.
I want to thank you for your advice, perhaps I have sought this help too late when as much as I would love things to turn around I don't know if I can see it happening given his strong nature. I have a strong nature also and perhaps that is why I have not been able to accept what is unacceptable and therefor need to accept we are incompatible and move on. It's an emotional rollercoster that is taking too much of a toll on my physical and emotional state.
I appreciate the service and your time
You're very welcome. I do totally support you. before anything in life, your first need, right and responsibility is to respect, love and support yourself in unconditional ways, since it is from there that you could build healthy relationships without allowing -enabling anybody to use, abuse or neglect you. If a person is unable or unwilling to even respect you, such person does not deserve your presence, trust or love at all. Always remember this, healthy love means starts by real respect and caring, and never implies any form of abuse or neglect.
You are a human being and that's why you undergo pain and have the potential and need to learn, heal and grow from it. the only reality is what happens right now, and now you are aware of what you need and want, embrace your pain without further denial, and commit to your healing process, rebuilding your life and creating experiences around people who truly respect and care about you. it's not easy at all, but necessary and absolutely worthy.
Rafael what you must appreciate is that I am writing from a very negative approach and not giving a) the other perspective (his) and b) the more positive aspects of our relationship. Those been we both enjoy music, when I met him he was playing and singing with his guitar, he doesn't do enough of this, perhaps since his divorce 6 years ago, I think he has a truck load of regrets that he takes solice in drinking to forget. We both enjoy boating/fishing and animals (he has a dog, daisy, I often get jealous of her) as he will lavish more attention and talk to her unprompted than he will on me!! I know we both want a nice, caring future with good things to look forward to but can't seem to get it together. That's what makes me sad the lost potential of something so achievable!
I think I understand what you say, but only you know how it feels, and it is very sad and frustrating. Unhappily where ever there is love, if it is not healthy enough, based on mutual respect, caring, understanding and support, and where abuse and neglect are involved, there is no real hope for a relationship to develop and grow as a fulfilling experience. I know that people who abuse other people, and most of those addicted to drugs happen to be overwhelmed themselves by their own personal issues, but it should never justify the abuse and neglect they create undermining other people's lives even less those that close to them. if he does not fully acknowledges his serious personal issues, his alcoholism, depression, the abuse and neglect and everything else requiring significant change, getting necessary professional support, I do not see how he could improve the way he takes care of himself and how he shares and play a role in your life. he also needs and deserves professional support, but if he refuses to get it, then there is nothing anybody could do to significantly change the destructive patterns he has created around him. Only when he comes to terms with reality and chooses to take full responsibility of it, he would have a chance to start his rehabilitation process.
THat is very good for me to hear because I think I do have some selfworth issues, as I am always saying no self-respecting person would put up with this time and time again! and yet I do!?? I let him off because I feel it's not intirely his fault, he has been seriously emotionally and financially hurt by a woman and when he gets on the drink I think we all just blur into the enemy and I know he knows I am very good to him. I think his barrier is self preservation, he says he's not good enough for me when I say I need us to be more this or that towards eachother but it just makes me feel I'm not good enough for him because he won't make an effort towards meeting me halfway!! oh it just gets all twisted up and we never make any progress. He;s been lied to by the best and is always suspicious but never asks me anything, due to a ask no questions get told no lies approach so I get left feeling he has not interest in who I am, what I do. He asks no leading questions so there is never any conversation. Good even I start talking to the dog sometimes!!
Well Rafael it has been very productive for me to use this process this evening. I am off to the Byron Blues Festival tomorrow! Very excited about it, yes I'm running around town but as always I asked my man if he wanted to do anything with me for Easter and as usual there was no enthusiastic response so off I go on my own again! and I'm looking forward to the break away. To be myself, I used to have a lot of fun and I have great mates who are very supportive of my situation and are only waiting till I am strong enough to make a move.
This is very frustrating and sad, since that way no real mutual understanding nor intimacy could develop, and without them no chance for real fulfillment in the relationship. Please read about codependency and take consistent action in order to create and promote the reality you end and deserve, and seriously consider individual counseling to work on yourself and facing this painful but unavoidable reality. Thank you for your trust.
Please take gentle care and consistent action with all the healthy support you could get.
I will need emotional support when I do leave I feel that it is soon because I keep making a vow to myself as I get older tht I wont let the way he handles the last 20 years of his career with drinking, negatively impact on the next 20 years of mine. Hey he's ultimately a great guy, mate, buddy, fireman but unfortunately for the women that come into his life he's a lousy boyfriend. I think he's too old to want to change anything. He has a great lifestyle with his dog, fishing and shift work. He will be fine. I will go home, Ithink this is the catalyst that is indicating it's time to return to nz and spend time with parents getting older and a nephew growing up!:-) THese are things that I hold very dear to me and while my feeling is that I want to be where I am more appreciated.
Thank you for your time, I've really appreciated it. Happy Easter.:-)
I totally support you. You're very welcome. Happy Easter and take gentle care :o)