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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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I am wondering about the effects of alcohol. I dont usually

Customer Question

I am wondering about the effects of alcohol. I don't usually drink. On New Years Eve though I accidentally got really drunk without planning to. My friend told me a lot of things I did that I did not remember.

Just today, a guy who was at the party said he made out with me. He's probably telling the truth. But I was shocked, I have no memory of it. I was not attracted to him.

I just got engaged a month ago. I love my fiance so much. But he is very insecure. I'm afraid he will think that I am not attracted to him subconsciously. My friends think I should not tell him but it is VERY HARD for me to keep things from him.

Can I tell him that it didn't mean anything because I was drunk, and hadn't planned on getting drunk, and hadn't wanted to make out with anyone? Will it damage our relationship? This has been the happiest month of my life, I don't want to ruin it, but it will be so hard to keep it from him.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question.

I can certainly understand your concerns about telling your fiance, especially if you know that he is already insecure to begin with. To a large extent it sounds like the truth really was that it didn't mean anything, and that you didn't plan or want that to happen. It seems like you can tell him that, and you will have been honest. Whether or not your fiance believes that is largely going to come down to trust, which may be very difficult for him. Unfortunatelyt is possible that telling him will damage your relationship, but it is also possible that not telling him will damage your relationship. If you feel like you are going to have a hard time keeping this from him, it may be better for him to hear it now rather than wait until further down the line when your relationship is even more solidified where it can cause even more problems.
.
It's a tough position to be in, and there may not be a perfect solution, but if your instincts are leaning more towards telling him I think that is an important thing to listen to. You have to live with your conscience, and if you are already feeling bad it is usually best to be honest. If you feel like it would do more harm then good to tell him, then I think many people would understand that perspective as well. Either way, if there is a risk of him finding out from someone else, it would always be best for him to hear it from you first.

It sounds like you didn't mean any harm, and if you do decide to tell him hopefully he will see that you are just as dedicated to him and your relationship as you've ever been. I certainly wish you the best with all of this and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
Ryan LCSW and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX a good answer. I will go with my instincts and tell him. But, I'm sorry, as I said in my first sentence, I was hoping you could tell me more about the effects of alcohol. Do people do things drunk that they would never do sober? Do they do whatever people ask them? Did I cheat? Or does it not count because I didn't know what I'm doing? I'm looking for some kind of scientific answer to this. If he says this means I subconsciously want to cheat would he be right? To be honest I don't think kissing/sex and love/relationships/commitment are the same thing, and if society didn't think kissing other people was cheating, I might be doing it, I don't know. But I choose not to because I know he doesn't want me to. Also in the 4 years we've been dating there's never been a time I wanted to kiss anyone else. But, in theory, I don't see how it could be damaging to relationships. It seems like it only is because that's what people say.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.

I'm glad I could help, and I want to make sure I answer the rest of your question. If this has been helpful I'd appreciate it if you would leave me a positive review. Alcohol affects everyone a little bit differently, but it is very commonly associated with impulsive behavior. When people are extremely intoxicated they may be more willing to do things that people ask them, and may also not be in full awareness of the consequences of their actions. Whether or not it counts as cheating is more of a subjective question, and is really up to you and your fiance. Some people may say it doesn't count, other people would say that it does. I agree that there is a big difference between kissing/sex and love/relationships/commitment, but not everyone is able to make that distinction. Perhaps subconsciously you do have some desires to kiss other people if society would perceive it differently, but if you are willing to avoid that because you care about him, then that is a sacrifice that a lot of people make for the sake of the bigger picture of the relationship they are in. In theory, what you are saying makes a lot of sense in terms of what should/should not be damaging in a relationship. However, we are all raised in a society where so much emphasis is placed physical contact/kissing/sex, that is it very hard for people to seperate between that and the more important love/emotional side of relationships. Best of luck with everything, and let me know if I can be of any more help,


Ryan

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you! I am kind of afraid you are just telling me what I want to hear about there being a difference between physical attraction and love and commitment in a relationship, because no one has ever agreed with me on that before! And I've had a therapist I know who was just telling me what I wanted to hear. But he also pretty much said that sexual attraction and love are the same thing. I think he was a horrible therapist though, even if he did give me some good advice.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Glad I could help :) The difficulty with the questions that you're raising is that they really don't have "correct" answers. There are arguments to both sides of the similarities/differences between physical attraction and love, but in reality the answer is that whatever works for you in your relationship is the only answer that really matters. There are people who have all different schools of thought who have happy and functional relationships, so I don't think we could ever settle on a "correct answer," it just that what you wanted to hear does make sense, and that it can be the correct answer for you and that's ok.

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