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Last year, I completed 30 hours toward an MSW degree. I had straight A's, but I failed the internship because my supervisor said that my performance was subpar and that I had anxiety dealing with clients. The school administration reinstated my internship and gave me a passing grade, but told me that I should leave the program, which I did. Then I got a dogwalking job for 9 months, but was fired after I left a client's door open.
So, even though I loved being of help to my clients in my internship, I am immobilized with fear about volunteering. My internship was in a substance abuse clinic; I do think about how lucky I am compared to them all the time. Most of my clients had histories of deep trauma, abuse, and racism. I think about that all the time. But, after having failed so miserably last year and not even being able to keep a dogwalking job, I'm too terrified to try anything else.
But also, I wanted to know: do other people with who've had depression for 20+ years also report feeling this way (like they're missing chunks of a "normal" life)? For some reason, I believe it will comfort me to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.