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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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To start with, I work for a major railroad on call. Im home

Customer Question

To start with, I work for a major railroad on call. Im home for 12 to 48 hours and gone for 24 to 36 hours and it starts over again. My wife manages the billing department at the local hospital. She works a normal work week. My problem is she seems very close to one of the other department heads, male of course. The problem with this guy started when they were away on a business trip. The story is my wife went to the bathroom while the group was at a bar. This guy picked up her phone and, acting like he was her, sent me some texts as her. It was humiliating to say the least and Im sure he or they had a great laugh. Being a smart aleck, i asked if it was really my wife that I was talking to and the texts stopped, but I couldnt get ahold of her afterwards. My wife told me what had happened the next day and I was fuming! My wife and him got to be very good friends over the last year or two. She continuously tries to get me to hang out with him and be friends because she likes him so much. Its not working. She seems to pay attention to only him when shes around him. Actually, whenever shes around any friends or family I feel like a third wheel. Ive told her how I feel about him. Anyway, I finally had what I describe as a mental breakdown about six months ago and layed into her while texting to the point she actually came home to see what was going on. I was crying, yelling, and accusing her of everything. Since then things were touch and go.I asked her to let me know when she was going out. She said I was being controlling. I told her I didnt want her to ask permission, just know where she was. It could be a text or voicemail since I cant have my phone on at work. I recently found out her weekly friday night decompressions (going to a bar with coworkers) include this guy. She has rarely let me know where she will be. I found out this last weekend she was at a bar with a few people of this group. Once she decided she was going she stopped texting me, and when i got of work she wouldnt answer her phone. I called my daughter, (who is 14 and with her at a bar!) who answered. My wife said she didnt hear her phone. They next day I was so worked up I sneaked a peak at her text messages. She had been invited to the bar by the guy at about the time she stopped texting me. Later that night my 14 year old daughter drove my very drunk wife home. They both said only 2 of her female coworkers had been there. I was so worked up I looked at her text messages. The time he invited her to the bar and the time she stopped texting were very close. I confronted her about this and she said she had been lieing about hanging out with him since my mental breakdown. Im hurt to the point of thinking about divorce.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

If you are finding reasons to bring this man up all the time with your wife and she is denying that she is doing anything wrong and she is refusing to stop her behavior, then you have reason to feel she is cheating. A spouse does not feel as you do if there is no reason to do so. And you are not just being jealous because you are able to point out actions your wife is taking with this other man that are inappropriate. She is out without telling you where she is (it is appropriate that you know at least where she is), her activities center around this man from work and there are personal text messages. Her relationship with this man has crossed boundaries from a work related relationship to social and your wife is including your daughter in some very inappropriate situations. All of these behaviors tell you that your wife is not putting you first, which as her husband you have a right to be.

Your wife's relationship with this man has undermined your trust. And when you stopped trusting her, she seemed to use that as a reason to exclude you more and more from her social life. She created the lack of trust in your relationship then proceeded to build on it by not only continuing her behavior, but increasing it. By doing this and not paying attention to your feelings, she has made her own desires prominent in your relationship instead of focusing on the two of you.

There is no need for your wife to be having contact with this man as often as she is. Any male friends she has should either be your friends as well, or co workers that you are familiar with and who know you exist as her husband (and not ones that show their lack of respect for you by sending you inappropriate texts from your wife's phone). Since these boundaries are not in place, then it can be assumed that your wife does not have appropriate boundaries with this man. And without those boundaries, this man will assume that your wife is available for a relationship.

Other than having your wife followed by a detective, there is no sure way to know she is physically cheating. But by her actions it seems sure she is at least emotionally cheating.

At this point, she needs to stop her behavior in order to save your marriage. She needs to regain your trust. If she will not do that, then you may need to decide how you want to proceed- either stay with her and try to work it out, or leave her. Either way, consider talking to a therapist. You need the support right now and it can help you decide if you should try saving the marriage.

Here is a resource that may help:

Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Lundy Bancroft

I hope this has helped you,
Kate





May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and generous bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Kate,


Things with my wife have been going great for a week or so. Tonight I was drinking again and just HAD to bring up a few things. It seems as if she has an excuse for everything she's done and Im just being a big baby. I love her. I cant imagine my life without her. She called family services a week ago and left a message to get us some help. They called back, but she didnt right away. After asked for the number to get the ball rolling, she said she had to be the one to call. She did 5 days after the initial call. I I know shes busy with her job, and college class, and everything else. I havent seen any texts from the other guy since I asked the last question. She keeps making excuses for everything that has happened. Ive been a terrible husband myelf. This situation was flipped 180 degrees. After we were married (I was 20 years old) and i Turned 21,I was hanging out with another woman. Nothing ever happened yet I understand what she was going thru now. I think my trust issues arrise fom one of my first girlfriends in high school who cheated on me after a couple weeks of dating. My wife and I started dating not long after. She too cheated on my after a few months of dating. This was 20 years ago. Why cant I let this go? I feel like Ive pushed my wife some how into everything that has happened. I feel guilty, mad, sad, depressed. Things were going well and then I had to prod. Whats wrong with me? Its not fair to tell her she has to break ties with a good friend who, by the way, has recently come sort of public that he is probably gay. I feel like a heel, yet I cant shake the feelings Im having. The best thing to do is probably to permnantly remove myself from the problem. I day dream about dieing. I dont activly plan my death, but I think about accidents. I dont want to. Im so torn. I have 2 kids. I think I need to know its over now or it will be fixed, because if its over I can get on with my life, at least what little there is worth living. I love my kids but I dont know if I can go on without my wife. It has to be my fault. All of it. It seems everytime my wife and I have some time to be intimate, or even just alone, something comes up that ruins it. Weve been planning an anniversary getaway on May 10th for a couple weeks. today we found out my neices 8th grade graduation is May 10th. Theres ALWAYS something ruining our plans it seems. Even if the plans are made mere hours in advance. After some heartfelt discussion tonight, my wife fell asleep on the couch effortlessely, or so it seems. I cant help but feel actions like that make it seem like she doesnt care. Like it doesnt bother her. I dont want to live any more.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I'm happy to answer any follow up questions you may have that pertain to your original question. However, these are new questions requiring a different answer. Just Answer prefers that you open a new question page for new questions. This ensures that you get the best possible answers to your questions.

Kate

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  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
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