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Things with my wife have been going great for a week or so. Tonight I was drinking again and just HAD to bring up a few things. It seems as if she has an excuse for everything she's done and Im just being a big baby. I love her. I cant imagine my life without her. She called family services a week ago and left a message to get us some help. They called back, but she didnt right away. After asked for the number to get the ball rolling, she said she had to be the one to call. She did 5 days after the initial call. I I know shes busy with her job, and college class, and everything else. I havent seen any texts from the other guy since I asked the last question. She keeps making excuses for everything that has happened. Ive been a terrible husband myelf. This situation was flipped 180 degrees. After we were married (I was 20 years old) and i Turned 21,I was hanging out with another woman. Nothing ever happened yet I understand what she was going thru now. I think my trust issues arrise fom one of my first girlfriends in high school who cheated on me after a couple weeks of dating. My wife and I started dating not long after. She too cheated on my after a few months of dating. This was 20 years ago. Why cant I let this go? I feel like Ive pushed my wife some how into everything that has happened. I feel guilty, mad, sad, depressed. Things were going well and then I had to prod. Whats wrong with me? Its not fair to tell her she has to break ties with a good friend who, by the way, has recently come sort of public that he is probably gay. I feel like a heel, yet I cant shake the feelings Im having. The best thing to do is probably to permnantly remove myself from the problem. I day dream about dieing. I dont activly plan my death, but I think about accidents. I dont want to. Im so torn. I have 2 kids. I think I need to know its over now or it will be fixed, because if its over I can get on with my life, at least what little there is worth living. I love my kids but I dont know if I can go on without my wife. It has to be my fault. All of it. It seems everytime my wife and I have some time to be intimate, or even just alone, something comes up that ruins it. Weve been planning an anniversary getaway on May 10th for a couple weeks. today we found out my neices 8th grade graduation is May 10th. Theres ALWAYS something ruining our plans it seems. Even if the plans are made mere hours in advance. After some heartfelt discussion tonight, my wife fell asleep on the couch effortlessely, or so it seems. I cant help but feel actions like that make it seem like she doesnt care. Like it doesnt bother her. I dont want to live any more.