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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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y partner left me 2 weeks ago, saying that in the past year

Resolved Question:

What happened to my partner? He left me 2 weeks ago, saying that in the past year I acted like a real bitch to him, and that it is all my fault, he doesnt want anything to do with me. That he wants to be in the kids life but doesn't want anything to do with me.


 


 


He yells at me, abuses me, has threatened to take the kids from me, withholds all money, has blocked me from everything, including anything to do with the house we have been building as it was under his name, and has even blocked me from facebook. He has threatened a restraining order against me, because I have been calling him and his parents deperately trying to get answers and they all keep hanging up on me and ignoring my calls. And this is all in 2 weeks.


 


I have 3 kids, my oldest has a different father and my partner even threatened to ring the father of my oldest and give him information so he can gain custody. The thing is I haven't done anything.


 


The night before he came to the conclusion and left me, he told me how much he loved me, that we are so strong because we have been through so much together, and that nothing will ever happen between us for good.


 


After a week when he left me, he seemed to "come to" again, and apologised for treating me the way he did and understood that he had to gain my trust back again as I was left so hurt and so betrayed and I couldnt handle going through that again. It lasted two days and then he fell back into his breakdown yet again saying he realised again that he doesn't want to be with me and that this has been a long time coming.


 


The thing is he has had problems with alcohol for years and although he quit for 9 months last year, he had a relapse one night, got into a fight and lost his job. Ever since then,, its been 5 months now, its like a beast has taken over his body. He has been drinking since, and is so nasty to me, accusing me of things or taking things i say hostily.


 


Before i realised that he fell back into his breakdown again , i rang him to tell him about something his parents did that i was not happy about but he yelled at me before I could even get it out so I know his reaction wasnt based on what i told him next. He was already hating me again.


Ignoring the outburst I told him about his parents giving my two younger children money for easter and my oldest only a third of that. He called me an ungrateful bitch and it all went downhill from there.


I gave the gifts back to his parents and said that Im not having such discrimination in my house, and they accused me of throwing it back in their face and that my oldest child is not their family so i should be happy they included her to a point and gave her at least something.


I was gobsmacked with their logic.


And now his parents and himself have formed a team and are taking me for my children.


 


I have never felt so hurt, betrayed and alone. I dont know what I did that was so wrong, and I cant comprehend why my husband is treating me like this. He says his drinking is my fault and that Ive been a bitch for so long that his had enough. Yet, Ive never done anything. He just starting hating me with passion. Like I was dispicable in his eyes. Just out of the blue.


Sure weve had problems, and we have been under incredible amount of stress (a new baby that he barely even knows, building a house, attending court over custody of my oldest child and the court fees that come with that are huge, and we live apart right now while we were waiting for our new house to be completed as we do not get along with each others parents)  but it went from love to hate so quickly and with so much force, that it is soul shattering that he sees me like that, for no reason. I was his wive and the only person that supported him through everything. I was by his side every time he relapsed and always there to help him. It breaks my heart that his doing this to me.


 


Please help. I am so confused and so hurt. His completely destroying my life and I just want my old husband back. The one that would never do this to me. His completely changed. I feel like my old husband has died. What has happened to him and what do I do? I want my old husband to come back to me.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of all of this. I would suggest that you try and pull back a bit and give him some space to calm down and then try and reconnect when things feel calmer. Does that seem like something you can do?

CoachJenK :

I will wait for you to come online so we can chat further.

Customer:

It's hard at the moment because I obviously have kids to take care of and his not helping me in any way with them. And I just wish someone could tell me what happened to him. Did he have a breakdown? Is he suffering from alcohol induced paranoia?

CoachJenK :

Hard for me to know what is going on with him. Are they his children as well?

CoachJenK :

Does he drink?

Customer:

The younger two are yes.

CoachJenK :

and he is not taking any responsibility for them/

CoachJenK :

?

Customer:

Yes, I mentioned it in my question that he has had a problem with alcohol for years. He got off it for about 9 months but when he relapsed 5 months ago and lost his job, thats pretty much the moment that he changed.

Customer:

no, not really. hE THREATENS TO TAKE THEM FROM ME.

Customer:

sorry caps lock came on

CoachJenK :

If he is in a relapse then yes he could be going down this very tough road and blaming you for things. Are his parents willing to help you to get him back into treatment?

CoachJenK :

If he is the one with the drinking problem it seems like it would be hard for him to gain custody of your children.

CoachJenK :

His drinking and his behavior is causing chaos for you and you might want to consider getting yourself the support to deal with this as he seems to be in a very reckless mode right now.

Customer:

No, they wont help me. Ive tried. They have a "he has to sort himself out" attitude. They even drink around him. And now they dont even talk to me because of the incident I explained in the question.

Customer:

yes, but I have borderline personality disorder. It has no effect on the kids what so ever, but he exaggerates it lately, and makes it look like im this horrible person, because of it.

CoachJenK :

I am sad to hear that....clearly the issue of alcohol runs deep in his family. I know that you have children together but if he is actively drinking and verbally abusing you, there may not be a lot you can do other than to care for yourself. Just because he threatens to take the kids does not mean he can and if you feel threatened then calling the police yourself to get help is a thought.

CoachJenK :

That does not make you an unfit parent.

CoachJenK :

His chaos has become yours and you must focus on yourself and your kids.

CoachJenK :

getting the support you need to get through this space.

CoachJenK :

as you know if he does not want the help nothing you do can force him to do so

Customer:

I understand that, Its really hard when Im heartbroken. I just don't understand why literally overnight he went from "i love you" to "I hate your f***in guts!" When there was no argument, no nothing. And since then he has blocked everything from me. Money, the house we are building because its in his name, and threatens to take the kids or to ring my oldest childs father to tell him how horrible I am and to help him gain custody.

CoachJenK :

I know how heartbroken you are. It is devastating. When he is drinking there is NO way to understand his behavior.

CoachJenK :

you will turn yourself upside down trying to put a reason to it but when he is active in the disease there is no rhyme or reason.

Customer:

He left me with lawyer bills, through my oldest childs custody court case in the thousands of dollars, and won't help because she is not his child, even though he travelled this road with me and has been in her life since she was a baby.

CoachJenK :

you know you are a good mom and you must focus on you and living your life and taking care of what you can.

CoachJenK :

he has made some bad choices such as leaving you with the bills.

CoachJenK :

Please get the support you need close to home. Alanon or with your therapist.

CoachJenK :

Hopefully you are seeing someone to deal with your feelings.

Customer:

He would never of done this before. Something happened to him.

CoachJenK :

because he is active again in the disease most likely and again you will cause yourself more distress by trying to figure it out but there is no figuring it out when someone is abusing alcohol.

Customer:

Do they often come out of it? Or is it one of these things that die with them?

CoachJenK :

if he wants help and makes the commitment to stay sober he can but right now he is too active in it and he will continue the abuse. Time to focus on you.

CoachJenK :

he is out of control now and the loss of the job hasnt helped and so he is pretty active now in the disease. his parents wont step in and so you must step out and care for yourself and the kids.

Customer:

I guess I don't really understand the disease. I can't really comprehend it. I know I have to step out. But into what? His taken my home, my money and wants my kids. Im stepping into turmoil. And I never did anything to deserve it. The best I can explain what his like is, schizophrenic. And I know, I cant change that. But he was my husband. It kills me to see him like that, and it kills me that he sees me like he does right now, when I have only ever loved him. I know I have to accept what is, I just wanted to understand whats happened to him. If someone could explain why he thinks this way all of a sudden, what alcohol induced disease does he have, what is the likely outcome etc.

CoachJenK :

Have you gone to any alonon meetings? You can get some great support and understanding of the disease.

Customer:

Is what he doing symptomatic to a certain mental disorder that the alcohol has created?

CoachJenK :

The disease he has is alcoholism and less likely and alchol induced disease. His alcoholism causes this abuse and withdrawal

CoachJenK :

It seems symptomatic of him actively drinking

CoachJenK :

causes erratic behavior.

Customer:

No, I dont have the time. I have a 4 month old and a 21 month old and a 7 year old, and I am flat out.

CoachJenK :

Alanon is Free

CoachJenK :

please look into it locally and see if you cant get to a meeting

CoachJenK :

you can tell them you have young kids they may even have some program for the kids while you attend.

Customer:

Is the erractic behaviour quite common in alcoholics? Is this the type of thing they do. I always thought when it was said that they are erractic, that they get drunk as a skunk and get into fights etc. But he is sober most of the time, just always drinking, If that makes sense.

CoachJenK :

yes quite common.

Customer:

Or when they say erractic, do they mean illogical?

CoachJenK :

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/157163.php

CoachJenK :

can be erratic, illogical, abusive, etc. all of it.

CoachJenK :

My final thoughts are that you figure out how you can get to alanon to get the support YOU need so you can understand the disease better and how to cope with it.

CoachJenK :

I wish you the best and please find the time to get there.

CoachJenK :

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/australia/

CoachJenK :

The link above is for Alanon in Australia. Please check it out.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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