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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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husbands mental health

Customer Question

Hi there. I have a few questions about my husbands mental health which concerned me and has effected our relationship. My husband has a habit of asking too many questions all the time, i.e- If I am speaking to a family member/friend and once i hang up, not only will he ask me what the conversation was about but also about my the person life, example if the person is going to the mall. He'll ask which mall and what time, what does he/she need to get. etc etc If I step out of the house, he'll ask what time i left, when I came home, how much I spent, What happened while i was out. A lot of questions all the time. Apparently he was like this as a child as well. I characterize this as controlling behavior. Also he becomes very rash and aloof with people related to me friends or family but is very pleasant and well behaved with his family and friends. He can be abuse at times both verbally and physically. He always questions my motives behind everything I do and say, and also suspects the worse. If my family or friend mentions anything he also suspects their intentions and always negatively. He has a lot of character flaws but unfortunately I am not ready to end the marriage as we have an infant. I want to help him change, what can I do? I am fed up of his behavior and it has caused not only stress but severe depression and grief in me. What can I do?


 


a little more insight.


My husband drinks quite often with friends even though we are Muslim and he shouldnt. He lies to his parents about it as they would be very upset if they found out. He does yell at me infront of them and belittle me infront of them, but they don't say a word. He goes out with friends and comes home early in the morning and his parents dont stop him. He basically does not stop doing the things that I request him not to do, example not to drink, stay out till 7 am, curse or harrass me with too many questions about pety things.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your situation actually sounds quite desperate. You believe that the situation will be alright if you can just help him change. Of course you have an infant and that makes it seems so important not to fail.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Some of the issues may be cultural, where you are expected to be dutiful, and totally a possession of your husband and under his control. This may not be your thinking, but it seems to be your husband's way of thinking, and that of his parents as well.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He behaves like a single man who has a wife and infant at home, on the side, but his social life centers around his dissolute friends who stay out all night, and I imagine that they are partying rather than working late at the office.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

From his behaviour it seems that his actions are more than cultural, but may involve a personality disorder or a combination of personality disorders.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is hard to say without knowing more about him, but he seems to manifest the characteristics of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Customer:

His behaviour is beyond culture, in fact he is not the norm in our culture.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I did not think so but I do not know exactly what substrata or group he came from. My Muslim friends are not like that, and are totally wonderful family men.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Thank you for mentioning that.

Customer:

His parents do not like the fact that he stays out late, but are afarid that he will throw a tantrum and therefore have resigned.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And in this way he controls them as well.

Customer:

But on the other hand they do not stop him from raising his voice at me either BUT they try to not put me in a situation where ill be yelled at

Customer:

yes he controls his parents as well.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I want very much to help you. Let me list the criteria for NPD.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

 


Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder


(DSM IV - TR)


A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:


(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)


(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love


(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)


(4) requires excessive admiration


(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations


(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends


(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others


(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her


(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Customer:

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX appreciate it. Btw we've been together for 8 years. and married for 3. We didnt have an arranged marriage and neither of our parents are of that mind frame. We both come liberal families.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :



Read the criteria and see what you think.

Customer:

He does seem to match NDP

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


It is five or more criteria.

I can expand on any of the criteria. There are so many narcissists out there.

Customer:

what can be done to improve his bad behavior. because we thought he is just bad mannered

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


Unfortunately, it is not something that most narcissists will ever want to change. No therapist would be good enough to help them, and they will not even recognize their condition.

Customer:

He isnt jealous of people but he does seem to believe he is superior

Customer:

what can or should I do

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


They do not have empathy for others, cannot recognize that they hurt others.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does he have empathy for the feelings, pain or suffering for others?

Customer:

well, when he sees a natural diaster etc or hears of some sort of untimely dead he does feel bad. but not extremely bad. I have never seen him cry at the death of a fmaily member but he says he is effected and saddened but doesnt show it

Customer:

But he does make an effort to help the poor and needy

Customer:

is never ever rude to waiters or workers or anybody. he does feel empathy for the needy

Customer:

but I feel like he doesnt feel empthy for me. He says he does but it doesnt feel like it

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does he feel badly that he terrorizes you in a certain sense? Are you in need of kindness?

Customer:

No he doesn't understand that. He just doesnt get it

Customer:

He thinks its normal and that his asking so many questions is because he is concerned and cares

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Narcissists are the best liars, the best con artists, the best manipulators. They can understand and pretend to care but they literally have no feelings for others. They are the people that you call sociopaths.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

They can be charming, know how to say the right things, have people think they are wonderful, charitable, kind, but it is all a facade.l

Customer:

Why do they do this

Customer:

his family is generally very kind, so I don't understand where he gets this

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Because the are born without this sense, just as a person could be born with eyes that do not see. They do not know it is gone.

Customer:

how are such people treated? there has to be a solution or treatment

Customer:

such evilness has to be treated

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It was probably not learned. It is not well understood where it comes from but it is there.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You used the term evilness. There is good and evil, according to many beliefs. Some people are evil.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Narcissists can learn to change their behaviour and accommodate others, but they cannot learn to feel empathy.

Customer:

One thing i'd like to add. he is a great father and goes nuts making sure our son has the best of everything and is happy. Also he is a great friend.

Customer:

He does make sure that we as a family are financially stable, I do work but am currently off dur to maternity leave.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What narcissists need is called narcissistic supply. They get it from being adored, including by children and by those who say he is a wonderful father and a great friend.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He is not a great friend to you.

Customer:

He never stops me from shopping spheres or anything I want.

Customer:

No he is not a good husband to me, because he does not understand my needs and clearly does not comply with them unless they are easily met financially

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He wants to be known as generous and affluent and wants you to look your best.

Customer:

Yes he does

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

To enhance his own image.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is a narcissist.

Customer:

and what can be done

Customer:

so he cant have an emotional or physical relationship but can provide financially. n

Customer:

also we dont have a sexual relationship

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have to either learn to live with him and accept the way his is (which will be most difficult) or have to consider options.

Customer:

we I say lets have sex. He'll do it most of the time. unless he is tired.

Customer:

but never makes the first move. I think we have had sex 2 in a year

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does he have a sexual relationship with anyone else, male or female?

Customer:

Nope

Customer:

He is faithful

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Is he concerned?

Customer:

and when he goes out at night. he doesnt go clubbing. He plays video games with his friends and drinks

Customer:

or he'll go to a sports bar to watch something sporty event.

Customer:

No he is not at all concerned. But I am

Customer:

We used to have sex often we met at 20. and are 28 now. SO we did have sex before and often

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This is difficult and sad for you, I know. What kind of guys have this kind of life?

Customer:

losers

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The whole group? They are like adolescents.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

So you have said what you think about him and his friends.

Customer:

The whole group, generaly. But a few have gfs and do have a social life

Customer:

and do go out and act normal

Customer:

and DO NOT control their gfs

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

May I recommend several books to you that will help you to understand this condition and how best to live with it, or to part ways with it? I have three great books in mind and will recommend them from amazon.ca and will give you links.

Customer:

and neither do they like it if he does me

Customer:

Yes please

Customer:

I can order them on amazon, do let me know

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Here they are.

Customer:

whats with the no sex, can he be gay.

Customer:

It does cross my mind sometimes as we are constantly told by movies and tv that men want loads of sex and he has no desire. He does hug me and cuddle but no sex. No kissing.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


The thought crossed my mind. I am glad that you brought it up.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does he give you any clues? Even the way he might look at a good looking man?

Customer:

Nope. He doesn't do that.

Customer:

He isnt homophobic either. But doesn't want to get a massage from a man either.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He may be straight or extremely discrete and cautious.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Not admit it anyhow.

Customer:

and he has had ex gf with sexual relationships

Customer:

he does like woman.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

So what happen to his libido?

Customer:

No clue. Im not fat or ugly either

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is not normal for a man to stay out all night with his friends drinking and watching video games.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Have you ever investigated what he does to confirm if he is telling the true story?

Customer:

No it is not, but none of them are gay. In fact they are all homophobic. and all have gfs or keep trying to get gfs

Customer:

Yes I have. and he has never lied

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

So he is narcissistic and asexual, or at least has a very low sex drive.

Customer:

yes

Customer:

precisely

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

How do you know that he has never lied?

Customer:

well i have asked a few times and never caught him

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Narcissists are known to be the very best liars and can fool a lie detector machine. Of course that does mean that your husband is a liar.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does NOT mean

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Sorry

Customer:

He does not lie that is why his lack of sex drive baffles me

Customer:

Its been this way ever since the birth of our son.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Low testosterone.

Customer:

Perhaps.

Customer:

Could be

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Lost attraction for you since you went from being a girl to being a woman.

Customer:

So he is a asexual narcissistic

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And he is an adolescent who likes girls, perhaps

Customer:

I still look like a girl who is not 28

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If he is sexual, it is not with you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Yes but you became a mother.

Customer:

I dont think he is cheating.

Customer:

He is perhaps just lazy

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Then he is asexual. Does he use porn?

Customer:

Nope no porn

Customer:

we share a computer and I have checked. No cleared history or any such thing.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

A strong sex drive overcomes laziness.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Urges wake a person up.

Customer:

his sex drive is low and his laziness is high therefore no sex

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Not too lazy to go out all the time playing video games and drinking with his friends.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Here is one wonderful book:

Customer:

Its not all the time, every other weekend.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

More often than sex with his lovely wife.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX get the book

Customer:

Yup.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :





Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary, XXXXX XXXXX and Daniel J. Siegel (Mar 1 2008)

Customer:

I already bought the Wizard of OZ one, Thank you

Customer:

Kindle is a blessing on amazon

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


and this one which you are not ready for, but should read because it is very insightful.




Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


These are all Kindle books as well, I believe.

Customer:

Thank you

Customer:

Yes they are. I already bought the first two

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


Learn as much as you can. Do you mean bought them just tonight?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Or had them before?

Customer:

Thank you for your help today, at least now I know what his problem is and will try to figure something out.

Customer:

No just bought them right now on Amazon Kindle.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


I will keep you in my prayers and will be happy to help in any way I can in future.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX and figure out his lack of sexual desires and keep an eye out to make sure he is not unfaithful although I do believe he isn't unfaithful.

Customer:

Ive rated you excellent and once again thank you for your help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


It sounds as if you are moving in the right direction. Thank you so much.

Customer:

have yourself a goodnight.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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