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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5453
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband of 28 years has decided to leave. Stating he has

Resolved Question:

My husband of 28 years has decided to leave. Stating he has been unhappy for all of the 28 years!! We decide to seperate kinda. He still comes to the house in the morining to take care of the 6 dogs. I believe this is an excuse. He will come over on the weekends and act like nothing is wrong. His communaction is not good. He is sending mixed signals of positives and negitives. So I'm on the rollercoster. Its only been 6 weeks. Say he loves me. I am all he has in life. Is he afraid to just let me go. or is there something else going on with him., He will not seek help. I have told him to stay away and sort things out and he cant seem to stay away. Help
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your husband is fearful of leaving your marriage. He might have originally felt that being apart would make him feel better. But now that he is away, he may have found that things are not better for him and he wants to be with you, but without the commitment.

If he really wanted to be apart from you, then he would not have contact with you unless it was necessary. But by showing up every day and spending weekends with you, he is sending you mixed signals.

Since he cannot seem to decide what he wants out of your relationship, it may be up to you to set limits. If you tell him to stay away then you have to enforce it. That may mean changing the locks, refusing to let him in and pursuing divorce. But if you do not want to be apart from him, then when he is with you talk to him about why he is there and what he wants to do about your marriage. Let him know that his words and actions are hurting you. He should not be just coming over to pretend all is well. He needs to deal with the "elephant in the room" and address why he left you and continues to play with your emotions by showing up and telling you he can't live without you. That is not fair to you.

And if he will not go to counseling with you, consider going on your own. You can use the support and the opportunity to work out what you want to do about your marriage.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate







May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5453
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


So does this mean I have to be the bad guy in this. I really do love him. He seems to be so confused. As I have told him he is having his cake and eating too!! I have tried to be supportive and not lay blame on him. I know you can answer this but do you think he will come back. I know he is having EDF. But that cant be the only issue. By the way I am all he has and is that whats making it so hard on him. I beginning to think Im the one who needs the help As stated before I love him. But Im not stupid either

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Oh and I have told him to stay away. But thats not working. He still comes around.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It depends on whether you want to force a decision on his part as to what he is going to do- stay or leave. He is not giving you much choice in the matter if he still comes over and yet won't resume the relationship. He won't decide what he wants. So he is leaving it up to you to make the choice.

It's difficult to tell if he will come back. Given that you are all he has and he really has not left permanently, then there is always a chance he will come back.

Getting counseling for yourself might help you feel better about whatever choice you make with the marriage.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you He just seems so lost. And I cant help him, thats why I havent made that final decision yet. How long should one wait with someone who is so lost

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It depends. If you feel there is any hope or he is willing to discuss it, then you may want to wait longer. But if he refuses to talk about it or won't budge on anything, then you may want to move a bit quicker to get things resolved. A few months at most would probably be a good gauge.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Sounds good I gave him until April 30 and then I will have to make that decision for him. Sucks but Im strong enough. Thank you again

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I know, it does suck to have to be the one to decide when he is the one who left. But making a decision gives you more say so and ultimately, it will help you recover faster if you do end up apart.

Take care,

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Kate
Thats not what I want but it is what it is. I know that sounds harsh but he couldnt make a decision if his life depended on it. I just cant do the rollercoaster any more


 


Again Thank you

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome!

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