Hi Dr, I was assaulted by my husband +/- 3 weeks ago, I opened a case at police station, he was arrested for 1 day and was out apparently on baile, he said his lawyer said he should avoid contact with me, then he did not come to see the kids, stopped buying food, we tried to talk to our priest for guidance but he s still not home and not providing for the kids, I still love him but I feel he is betraying me and I feel angry about it, I am not coping with this situation.
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Thank you for your trust requesting my support. I am very sorry to know about this serious and overwhelming situation.
The reality you describe in your question shows a lot of suffering, from sadness to fear, frustration, loneliness and constant worries around your family's well-being. You have been living and undergoing chronic abuse and neglect for so long, once he has been unloyal several times during your marriage, and you have been suffering of depression for all this long too. Time has not helped but made things worse to the point of leading to serious physical violence. No form of abuse is acceptable, and for a woman and children to be exposed or victimized this much in really sad and overwhelming, very serious.
You need to come to terms wit reality about what healthy and destructive love mean. If your love leads you to expose yourself and your children to verbal, emotional, physical or financial abuse and neglect, then this is not a healthy but a very destructive love, a distorted feelings destroying you and your children, and depression is just one consequence from such exposure to so much abuse.
Your love could be very honest and caring, but as long as it leads you to perpetuate your personal and children's victimization for years, it should not be taken as something good at all, but confronted as a destructive reality that needs to change for you to take good care of yourself and of your children. Your depression shows how overwhelmed and hopeless, hurt and abused you have been for all this long, and it would be unrealistic to believe that you would be fine, rehabilitate from it and be happy while the serious abuse and neglect by your husband continues.
Unhappily he is not only not acknowledging his mistakes and serious issues but retaliating and worsening the abuse and neglect, which are not only psychological, verbal and emotional, but also physical and financial. This is unacceptable. I believe this recent serious episode is a tragic situation showing you hos far and destructive your marriage could get because of your husband's serious mental health and personality issues. I do not believe a person like him could change for better, but only if he chooses to acknowledge all his faults, abuse and neglect, taking full responsibility for them, and commits to work on his own rehabilitation, to eradicate abusive and neglectful behaviors, any form of domestic violence, and sticks to psychotherapy, working on himself as long as necessary, and taking into account your story, I believe such process would take years of hard work, and nothing in what you report shows he is even willing or able to acknowledge reality, even less to change it for good.
Please look for a professional psychotherapist to support you and your children with psychotherapy or counseling, since you need to work on rehabilitating from depression, to develop better coping skills, assertiveness and to end any form of codependency allowing any further abuse or neglect from your husband. You and your children need and deserve a healthy, peaceful and enjoyable life, without fear, without violence, abuse or neglect. Please look for every sound support you could get from understanding and caring family members, close friends and from professionals in order to work on this process, while your attorney and local legal authorities, including police, social services and family court do their job to protect and support you and your children.
Your husband just cannot leave you and your children without financial and material means to afford all your core life expenses, that's his responsibility under the law, and the legal system would make him comply with the law, and for that to happen you need to do what you need to do with adequate support from previous professionals and legal institutions, including legal aid societies and organizations supporting women and families victims of domestic violence.
Does it make sense?
he comes home anytime he wants but I don't know where he stays, he calls me anytime he wants but when I call him he does not pick up, when I tell him about things that need to be paid he said I must pay for them, even if I tell him about things that are short for kids he said I should buy them, then he said his lawyer said he must get transport for kids to school do that he does not come near me, I found transport but he comes take kids to movies brings them home with bananas and youghurt maybe that is also an instruction from his lawyer.
Thank you for replying. I am sorry to know about this situation, where eh obviously continues to perpetuate a very manipulative and neglectful approach.
You need to keep close communication with your attorney in order to know how to cope, what is legal or not for him to do, and when you need to report him.
On the other hand, you need to get psychotherapeutic support, because you and your children have been going through so much, and the last thing you need is to get more depressed or undermined by this whole situation.
do I really need a lawyer? he came home yesterday told me that he cannot pay for the house because he has to pay for the flat he is renting and also buy his own groceries, he said I must pay him the medical aid money he is paying for me, my 6 year old daughter told me she heared her dad talking to his wife when they were going to movies. is this fair,his lawyer said he must keep away from me but he comes