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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5241
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi. My name isXXXXX am 38 years old and am married for

Customer Question

Hi. My name isXXXXX am 38 years old and am married for 9 years now. I am S.African and my husband is from Bangladesh. I have a 17 year old son before marriage. 2 daughters and 1 son from my husband their ages: 8, 4 and 2.
Since the day we go married my husband has been insulting me infront of his family, friends and workers. He used to call me names such as: vagina face, horse face etc. He used to tell me that one of his friends told hime that he should not marry me, because a lady who opens her legs before marriage has a bad character.
I have always just been quiet not knowing how all this is affecting me emotionally. He never gave me any support during my pregnancies and childbirth. As soon as i arrived home from the hospital with baby i had to stand infront of the stove and ensure that the food is ready waiting for him. He would be very impatient for the six weeks after giving birth to pass in order to have sex with me. He would then ask me when my machine will be ready for him. We are muslims and according to our religion we have to bury the afterbirth. He refused to do this and i had to dig a hole in our backyard myself in order to bury the afterbirth. He enjoys anal sex and normally forced me. As a result of all this i developed a rectocele. i have been operated to repair the rectocele but i still have the same problem as i was never allowed to rest. During my second pregnancy in my marriage he once threatened to kill me with a knife and aimed the knife at me several times. At the time my son and daughter who was 5 at the time watched what he was doing and up and until today my daughter thinks that it is normal to stab people. She stabbed her brother in hand once and yesterday tried to stab him again with a screwdriver, she is 8 years old now. I told her not to do it and she just broke down and cried. I feel that she needs help as well as she has an inferior complex and feel that i dont love her. I have been hospitalised after the birth of my last baby for 1 week for depression. Recently my husband has been telling me that i do not have depression he at first told me i am a mental case and need help and afterwards told me im not depressed, someone has done blackmagic on me. i have told him i want a divorce as i cannot take this life anymore. i am an emotional wreck, very irritable, my body pains all the time and i have developed an apetite for sweets. He thinks im joking and refuses to divorce me. i don't know what to do anymore as i cant concentrate on my work, im very forgetful and i dont enjoy life anymore....:'( please help me, tell me what to do please...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is very difficult to cope when you are caught in an abusive relationship. You want to hang on because you want it to be better between you. And you hold out hope because you still love him and believe he can be a better person and things will change.

It is very easy to get caught in an abusive relationship and feel you cannot leave. Your self esteem is low and you feel there is nothing else out there for you because you have lost hope. But with the right support, it can get better.

The only way people do change is if they want to. And at this point, your husband is not seeing what he is doing is wrong. And if he doesn't see how he is treating is wrong, he is not going to change. Not with where he is now. And it sounds like you have made as much effort as you can to make the relationship work. Yet he keeps hurting you and won't stop. And until he sees what he is doing is wrong, he won't stop.

The first step is to realize that if he is hurting you like he is, then you are in an abusive relationship. You do not deserve to be treated like he is treating you. You deserve better. Anytime you are feeling fearful and anxious about a relationship and/or you are being hurt physically, it is a sign that you are in an abusive relationship. You should instead feel taken care of, loved and safe. But that is not what you feel with this man. And with the lack of respect, putting you down all the time, physically hurting you and the lack of support, you are being hurt and deeply. And if your children are witnessing his abusive behavior of you, they are being harmed as well. They will grow up learning that it is ok to be cruel and to hurt others or be hurt themselves, as you are already witnessing. His behavior could also escalate, creating a situation where you and your children are in danger.

You may want to consider leaving this marriage immediately if that is at all possible. If you have any support through family and friends, then take advantage of it and stay with them for a while. You may also be able to seek help through a therapist or any available local mental health agencies. And if there are any women's shelters in your area, that is an excellent place to turn to for assistance. See if there is a hotline you can call as well. They can offer support and help you take the first steps to getting out of this marriage.

Also, consider learning more about abusive relationships and how they affect you. Here are some resources to help:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/09/28/5-ways-to-escape-an-abusive-relationship/

Should I Stay or Should I Go- Lundy Bancroft

By learning more about abusive relationships, you can help yourself see that you deserve much more than you are dealing with in your marriage.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate




May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

staying with family members is not possible. he has been trying to make me feel guilty by telling me that he will be committing suicide. he is really playing with my emotions. i feel like a coward as i am scared to do the right thing and just walk out of this marriage.


talking to you has helped me alot as i feel really down and more depressed


today than usual.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It sounds like he is trying to control you by making you responsible for what he might do to himself if you go. It is highly doubtful that he would hurt himself. It is much more likely he is using that to control you. You need to put yourself and your kids first and leave him. He is hurting all of you and it doesn't sound like he intends on changing so this will only continue. It can be very hard to leave because of how scared you feel. That is why support is so important. Start by just taking one step today by reaching out through a hotline or by contacting a women's shelter. Just talking to someone can help. You can also explore support groups on line as well. You don't have to do this alone.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5241
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Shahida for the positive rating. I appreciate it.

Keep reaching out as you did today and don't give up hope. You do have strength, more than you realize. If you can live with what you deal with now, then you are strong. Use that strength to get you and your children out and onto a happier life.

My best to you and your children,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you Kate.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome. Take care.

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