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I would like to help you with your question.
I can understand why you would be baffled by her behavior. One day she's unwilling to be in a relationship, then days later she's missing you.
You ask how to react.
My suggestion is that you stay in control.
You decide what YOU want, rather then allowing her to direct what the relationship will be or not be.
Do you know what YOU want?
What is it?
i want to be with her
she wants me to understand, but wont be understanding
That's a great observation on your part
but what throws me off is: saying two days ago "i dont want a relationship right now", but today, she texts: hey : i miss you
So...she wants what she wants...but she won't give you the same respect...right?
Well...missing you...is not the same as I want to get back together.
if i want her, should i ignore her, respond back in a certain way, or say i miss you too
because women are confusing..
What she is acknowledging is her feelings..and that's it...
she wants what she wants/wont give same respect..
how do i get her to want to be back together
seeing that feelings come and go
and are unreliable
You wrote that she is indecisive and what you are seeing here is her indecisiveness.
Another good observation on your part...feelings do change and that's what is causing a problem here.
its quite frustrating, but ultimately i want her, and im a person of resolve, so this is where im struggling
if you were in this situation, and she sends that text: what woud you do
What needs to be sorted out here is the difference between her "feelings" and her desires about a relationship. So...she misses you which is a feeling...she doesn't want a relationship which is about a lifestyle.
She presents a dilemma to you. You want a relationship with her and I would imagine that's because you love her and see her as part of your today and your future.
But...what you want isn't always what the other person wants. You want her to respect your desires and at the same time you need to respect hers.
she's still calling me: and texting, and saying she misses me, yet, doesnt want a relationship right now due to school/kids/ and says its too much
So...what she is saying is that I miss you - the person that you are, the partner you are to me - BUT what she isn't saying is that she wants a relationship. Two different things.
so she just wants to be friends?
Yes...I can understand what she is saying. The relationship piece is about a lifestyle - about committing to you fully and totally and making the relationship with you THE PRIORITY. And...what she is saying is that she cannot do that at this point in time. She is saying...perhaps in the future I can make this lifestyle change. But I cannot do it now.
so the best thing for me to do is back off ?
Often times you cannot go back to being just friends after being lovers. It is possible...but it's hard work.
i told her i personally dont want to just be friends..
how do you date for two years, and then come out with this//?
Yes...it's a tough tough spot.
what ive come to learn is that alot of women are unstable, and dont truly know what they want
or so it seems..
Well...I wonder if what happened is she realized that the relationship was moving to a new level and she didn't feel she could make the necessary commitment.
i think that may be the case
I think that can be true of men as well. Commitment is serious business. And...some people just can't handle that.
If she truly does not have the ability to commit to you at this time in her life, then it is far better for you to know that and to accept that then to push her into something she will fail at.
Does that make sense to you?
well: in light of this situation, if you truly want her/dont want to lose her, what would be the best way to respon to her message
I hear that you feel you miss me and I appreciate knowing that. I also hear that you do not have the ability to commit to our relationship. I feel disappointed and sad. Still, I want you to want me and want our relationship. If you can't do that, then our relationship is over.
I know the above is rather harsh, but there is no use pretending.
thanks Doc. you helped alot
Certainly, she is losing so much here and doesn't understand the consequences of her behavior.
What will be important for you is to not let her use you by telling you over and over how much she misses you. It will only be hurtful for you to get texts like that.
true: one last question: the latter of that reply: it says , If you can't do that, then our relationship is over...im thinking that she's gonna say: its already over..but oh well
Well...it's a matter of perspective then. If she believes it's over...then that's her viewpoint. But now you are saying it too.
Is there any last thing I can help you with tonight?
no thanks alot