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Ask Dr. L Your Own Question

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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if u want a girl, and lets say yall been dating, and she have

Resolved Question:

if u want a girl, and lets say yall been dating, and she have a hard time makin up her mind/indecisive. she comes out and says right now she just doesnt want a relationship, cause of school and her kids: but she still wants u eventually: but then two days later she says she miss you: how should you react
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I can understand why you would be baffled by her behavior. One day she's unwilling to be in a relationship, then days later she's missing you.

Customer:

hi

Customer:

correct

Dr. L :

You ask how to react.

Customer:

yes

Dr. L :

My suggestion is that you stay in control.

Dr. L :

You decide what YOU want, rather then allowing her to direct what the relationship will be or not be.

Dr. L :

Do you know what YOU want?

Customer:

yes

Dr. L :

What is it?

Customer:

i want to be with her

Customer:

she wants me to understand, but wont be understanding

Dr. L :

That's a great observation on your part

Customer:

but what throws me off is: saying two days ago "i dont want a relationship right now", but today, she texts: hey : i miss you

Dr. L :

So...she wants what she wants...but she won't give you the same respect...right?

Dr. L :

Well...missing you...is not the same as I want to get back together.

Customer:

if i want her, should i ignore her, respond back in a certain way, or say i miss you too

Customer:

because women are confusing..

Customer:

right

Dr. L :

What she is acknowledging is her feelings..and that's it...

Customer:

she wants what she wants/wont give same respect..

Customer:

correct

Customer:

how do i get her to want to be back together

Customer:

seeing that feelings come and go

Customer:

and are unreliable

Dr. L :

You wrote that she is indecisive and what you are seeing here is her indecisiveness.

Customer:

yes

Dr. L :

Another good observation on your part...feelings do change and that's what is causing a problem here.

Customer:

yes sir

Customer:

its quite frustrating, but ultimately i want her, and im a person of resolve, so this is where im struggling

Customer:

if you were in this situation, and she sends that text: what woud you do

Dr. L :

What needs to be sorted out here is the difference between her "feelings" and her desires about a relationship. So...she misses you which is a feeling...she doesn't want a relationship which is about a lifestyle.

Dr. L :

She presents a dilemma to you. You want a relationship with her and I would imagine that's because you love her and see her as part of your today and your future.

Customer:

yes

Dr. L :

But...what you want isn't always what the other person wants. You want her to respect your desires and at the same time you need to respect hers.

Customer:

yes

Customer:

she's still calling me: and texting, and saying she misses me, yet, doesnt want a relationship right now due to school/kids/ and says its too much

Dr. L :

So...what she is saying is that I miss you - the person that you are, the partner you are to me - BUT what she isn't saying is that she wants a relationship. Two different things.

Customer:

right

Customer:

so she just wants to be friends?

Dr. L :

Yes...I can understand what she is saying. The relationship piece is about a lifestyle - about committing to you fully and totally and making the relationship with you THE PRIORITY. And...what she is saying is that she cannot do that at this point in time. She is saying...perhaps in the future I can make this lifestyle change. But I cannot do it now.

Customer:

so the best thing for me to do is back off ?

Dr. L :

Often times you cannot go back to being just friends after being lovers. It is possible...but it's hard work.

Customer:

agree

Customer:

i told her i personally dont want to just be friends..

Customer:

how do you date for two years, and then come out with this//?

Dr. L :

Yes...it's a tough tough spot.

Customer:

what ive come to learn is that alot of women are unstable, and dont truly know what they want

Customer:

at times..

Customer:

or so it seems..

Dr. L :

Well...I wonder if what happened is she realized that the relationship was moving to a new level and she didn't feel she could make the necessary commitment.

Customer:

i think that may be the case

Dr. L :

I think that can be true of men as well. Commitment is serious business. And...some people just can't handle that.

Customer:

right

Dr. L :

If she truly does not have the ability to commit to you at this time in her life, then it is far better for you to know that and to accept that then to push her into something she will fail at.

Dr. L :

Does that make sense to you?

Customer:

well: in light of this situation, if you truly want her/dont want to lose her, what would be the best way to respon to her message

Customer:

correct

Dr. L :

To say:

Dr. L :

I hear that you feel you miss me and I appreciate knowing that. I also hear that you do not have the ability to commit to our relationship. I feel disappointed and sad. Still, I want you to want me and want our relationship. If you can't do that, then our relationship is over.

Dr. L :

I know the above is rather harsh, but there is no use pretending.

Customer:

amen

Customer:

thanks Doc. you helped alot

Dr. L :

Certainly, she is losing so much here and doesn't understand the consequences of her behavior.

Dr. L :

What will be important for you is to not let her use you by telling you over and over how much she misses you. It will only be hurtful for you to get texts like that.

Customer:

true: one last question: the latter of that reply: it says , If you can't do that, then our relationship is over...im thinking that she's gonna say: its already over..but oh well

Dr. L :

Well...it's a matter of perspective then. If she believes it's over...then that's her viewpoint. But now you are saying it too.

Customer:

kool

Dr. L :

Is there any last thing I can help you with tonight?

Customer:

no thanks alot

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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