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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, My question is: How realistic or unrealistic am I in thinking

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Hi, My question is: How realistic or unrealistic am I in thinking that my current partner will be faithful to me in the future because of his past behavior. We have been dating (and were engaged at one point) for almost 5 years. I will bullet the events that make me ask you this question, to make it simpler.

• Lied about being in a relationship already when initially courting me.
• Hidden camera to see me nude (recently-because we were not being intimate)
• Hole drilled for another hidden camera (to see my computer)
• Pot use every day
• Maintained porno memberships (including a fling site) but claims he canceled a long time ago.
• Took a different ex out for drinks 2 months after becoming engaged to me without my knowledge
• Continued to talk/text/email this same woman for a year as we planned wedding without my knowledge
• Sexual enhancing supplement in his truck (not our house)
• Extremely suspicious and overly jealous of ME (???)
• Does not like me going out with my girlfriends (says he does but I only meet them for lunch and i get 500 questions when i return)
• Impulsive and irresponsible financially
• Goes though my drawers
~ Has told me to "shut up" and "kiss his ass" when arguing
~ He moved out three weeks ago and is wanting to work things out. But he doesn't want to go to counseling or quit smoking his pot. Instead, he wants to have sex with me and one night when I refused to let him come over, he told me "Ok, well, I will remember that the next time you need something". I am currently living in his home because when we became engaged we both agreed that i would resign from my job to take care of our home (large property). It was right after that, that he began seeing the second woman. I am currently looking for work by the way but he has agreed to help me get back on my feet as much as he can. But he thinks that I am blowing things our of proportion ~ but I cannot seem to believe him with all of the above ????? Just wanted someone else's opinion. A professional. Thank you very much
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

While there is no way to say for sure what someone intends on doing with their behavior, the actions you listed give a good indication that without intervention, your partner will probably end up hurting you in the same way he always has if not worse.

Some of the behaviors you listed are forgivable on their own, if your partner was willing to see what he did as wrong as asked for forgiveness. Things such as smoking pot, while not a great choice, could be worked out if he got treatment and was willing to see it as an issue. However, actions such as installing cameras in your home, going through your drawers, hiding other relationships while engaged (or even not engaged) to you and lying to you are anti social behaviors which tell you a lot about his personality. These behaviors come from his belief that it is ok to do these things to someone you love. They could also be rooted in a personality disorder and if that is the case, only therapy and a willingness to work on these issues would help him change how he acts with you.

Some of his behavior also leans towards abusive. Being upset about you seeing your friends and spying on you are both behaviors that try to control and restrict you as a person. If you would marry him, the chances that his behavior would get worse are high. Many abusers work slowly in order to get you used to being treated badly until you question your rights as a person and by then, it is very hard to leave the relationship.

You may want to start dealing with this by learning more about abusive and anti social type behaviors which include lying, cheating, drug use and spying on you. Here are some resources that can help:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effect s.htm

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001919/

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx7.htm

http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders

You may also want to consider therapy for yourself for the support and to decide how you want to deal with this relationship. A therapist can help you sort out your feelings about his behaviors and support you while you decide what you want to do. Just the fact that you are concerned is enough to treat this as serious.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate
TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for confirming these things for me. I now need to work on healing and learning to trust my own decision making skills with a mate in the future. God bless you and again, thank you. ~A. Steelman

You are very welcome. It's hard to come to terms with it when someone you love is treating you badly but it's good you are asking questions now before it could get worse.

God will be with you and help you heal. I will pray for you.

My best to you,
Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you so much. :)

You're welcome! Take care

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