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thank you for the links, i will look into them. the reason i am trying to reach out now is because i have just recently learned about "Dysthymia", and i feel like it describes me very well. the depressions rarely get to a point where i stop functioning alltogether (which would mean that people would notice it i guess, so i have at least the amount of fight to avvoid that), and the main reason i havent sought any professional help is that i have thought "this is just the way i am" because i dont remember being any other way since teens, and because i dont identify with the more "severe" types of depression i have read about (i do recognize the occasional "double depression" though). i am aslo pretty good at talking myself out of doing anything about it, telling myself that "It probably wont help anyway" or being afraid to make the call to make an appointment (i have always been struggling with anxiety around talking on the phone when it is something involving something personal), or having thoughts like "it will pass", "i've been dealing with it this long, i can go a bit longer", or "if i give in and get help now, my struggles will have been pointless". but i am getting to a point now where i feel like my life is just wasting away by "excisting" instead of actually feel like im living. i am also sabotaging all my relationships by withdrawing from them and finding reasons to blame them or myself instead of the depression, and that again is of course making me even more depressed :( i think part of me is waiting for that point where i hit a rock bottom and i am almost hoping to not be able to get out of bed in the mornings, because then i will be unable to talk myself out of the fact that i need help. but i've been waiting almost two decades now and i always seem to be able to "get on with it" no matter what happens.