Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
First, let me say I am so sorry you've been going through this. It must be horrendous to have gone through what you have with your daughter and what has happened to her. I can tell from the intensity of your question that there is a lot that has happened behind your asking. And it is all the intense events and emotions that are making you ask this. Your anger is a problem that is hurting you and you are wise to recognize you need to get it under check before she comes home.
That you recognize that this is not a good situation and that you need to do something about it is so very encouraging. Good for you. Use this recognition within yourself that you need to change the situation to motivate you to keep going in this direction.
The source of anger is the need to be in control. Anger is when things occur counter to how you want them to have occurred. They did not go as you wanted them to go, thought they should go, needed them to go, or demanded they go. They turned out some other way and you couldn't control things.
A classic example is road rage: someone pulls right in front of you in traffic and you have to put on the brakes suddenly. That jerk! How dare he! I've had patients in my office who have followed the person who did this to them all the way to that person's destination and gotten into a fight with him and wound up spending the night in jail. Seriously. What was the problem?
On the surface it looks like disrespect: they became angry because that person showed them no respect. But disrespect is just the result. It is a lack of control. Another example will show this:
Her kid spills the milk on the floor. She's upset. Why does he always do this when she's late! What's wrong with him? Why can't he be careful?
What's the same in both these examples? They are events you can't control. You can't control what someone else does. You can't control the guy in the car pulling ahead of you and you can't control a kid's clumsiness.
So the angry person says, he did that to me so I got mad. As if it was automatic. But it's not automatic. You CAN control how you react. Here's what I mean.
When you're cut off in traffic, when your kid spills the milk, the first reaction is to have heightened anxiety, to get startled and to be angry. Everyone feels this. But the reaction to that initial feeling of anger and anxiety is under our control. It's not automatic. There's no reflex that makes us scream at our kid. There's no reflex that makes us scream at the guy who cut us off. That's under our control.
Therefore, the goal of all anger management is to learn to make a pause between that initial feeling of anger at the event and the acting out of anger. The pause between the feeling and the reaction. That's the key.
Again, with controlling your anger, the principles above are the principles of all anger management: make peace with not being in control of what happens in the world. And second, pause between the feeling and the reaction to CHOOSE your behavior. This is the basis of all anger management classes.
In your situation, it is the anger at not being able to control your daughter's environment and the kids in her school and her world. And I'm sure there are other things as well. But clearly, the anxiety and anger have reached a severe state for you and you need to take steps immediately. I urge you, therefore, to have therapy for yourself and to start as soon as possible so that you can work on these issues right away. I am not so much in favor of medicating oneself in these situations because medications don't teach us how to actually deal with the stresses of life, only how to not feel them. Therapy will help with this more.
Here is the web address for Psychology Today's therapist directory. You can sort by zip codes and when you see someone who seems like they might be helpful (they show you a photo of the therapist!) look at the listing and see if they list anger and anxiety issues in the areas they work with. Interview the therapist and make sure his/her values are similar to you and you feel confident and comfortable with him/her.
Good Therapy is a non profit directory. Same idea as the one above:
I'd also recommend that you start reading about bullying. That's right, rather than trying to forget about it, learn to tolerate the reality your daughter faced and to move on in life. One book to start with is The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso. I think this one is for you as a parent more than her but you'll decide. It gives a very useful model for you to understand that situation.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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