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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5155
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Your Password XXXXX Been Reset I am always rejected at

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I am always rejected at my jobs, and I am asked to quit. The same happened with relationships. I never married because I was always rejected. I am now 50 years old, and I just lost my job again. I am finding it is not that easy to find a job at my age. During these past weeks I have thought a lot about my life, and all the dreams that never came through - and mostly about rejection. I never used drugs or alcohol. I was a student with straight A’s. I am also very well prepared. I have a Master degree in Education with a music minor. In every job I have been, I am much liked. My co-workers, students and parents always like me. They trust in me, and I am always seen as a person who can give a good advice, even though I am a low key kind of person, and don’t like to talk too much. In fact, I am extremely shy, I feel shameful too often, and I am a loner. My supervisors always like me in the beginning, but later they pressure me to quit. The same happened with relationships. I had three relationships that seemed very good for years, until one day the guy told me he met somebody. In the three occasions the guy married that somebody he met after me. And I always wondered, what is wrong with me? I know I was attractive when I was young, and I had a healthy character. The third and last relationship happened in my late thirties, I got pregnant, and the father of my son decided to end the relationship when my boy was a newborn. I never heard of him since then. A year later I bought a house, and I was working in a very nice job with a great salary. I even got music gigs on the side now and them. But 3 years later I was fired again (to make things worse, my son was diagnose with Autism).
When I analyze my past, I see obvious and not so obvious explanations for my failures. I was molested and raped when I was in second grade, and I kept the secret. My family is conservative and I was not a virgin anymore. Another explanation is that even though I grew up with a very loving and devoted father, he was also a veteran, and too strict. He also sacrificed his life (and ours) by taking care of his younger brother with war related schizophrenia. We grew up with the fear of shifting into schizophrenia like our uncle, though we loved him very much. I even had some symptoms when I was adolescent and my parents were worried (mostly related with sensitive senses and stress, out of the body experiences, and hearing music or choirs of angels). But I studied music, became a performer during my 20’s and early 30’s, and I found an outlet to express all my feelings. Music was my salvation. It is a shame I couldn’t make my music career happen, but at least, I had a second career as a teacher.
The not so obvious reasons worry me lately, even though I know they are age related. I am becoming less and less able to handle stress. My mind is not that organized anymore. I am very sensitive to everything. I feel what people feel. People moods and situations at work affect me. Small things that happen at any job like gossiping, affect me terribly. Also if I don’t have the control of the temperature of the classroom. I feel cold all the time, and I don’t like cold weather. The longing for Music also affects me. In the surface I work as normal. I consider myself being very professional. My colleagues say the same. But those things are happening while I work. It is being like that all of my life, but I always managed to go to work, and do a good job. But in the past two years I must admit I had to take too many days off, and I was late too often. When I feel overwhelmed, I find comfort in “grounding” myself by standing flat against the kitchen wall. I do this only at home, of course. Other things that work for me are writing, watching you tube videos with positive affirmations and prayers, and eating healthier. But I am scared. I fear I will never be able to sustain my son anymore, or be independent for much longer. A part of me tells me I have the inner power to turn things around… even to give a second chance to music. Another part of me is telling me I am spiraling down into darkness.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I would like to begin by thanking you for being so eloquent and cogent in how you describe your history and your situation. You are clearly a very insightful, creative, and deep human being.


There is a tremendous duality that comes out in what you write, a lifelong duality. On one hand there is tremendous strength and competence; on the other hand there is pain and emotional insecurity. There is a lot of external soldiering on, persevering; there are also internal needs that have never been tended to properly and helped to get to health.


My concern is that this feeling of 'spiraling down toward darkness' is your inner sense that you will continue throughout your life without exploring those inner insecurities, hurts, and tendernesses so that you can truly feel whole and yourself. In other words, it's actually a call to take care of your inner needs while you still are supple emotionally.


I agree with that inner voice within you. It seems like a depressive voice, but it sounds as though it's actually a plea from within yourself to your outer self to recognize that you need to explore with professional help that lifetime of persevering without actually dealing with the traumas and heartaches.


And the pattern of rejection is very possibly a self-sabotaging mechanism within you: doing things that will have a good chance of getting you fired (showing up late, etc.) so that you once again will be sad and dejected.


And maybe this time you'll take up the inner challenge of that self sabotaging behavior: to take the opportunity to explore within yourself what needs to be looked at, faced, and used for self-growth.


So for you, therapy is an opportunity to gain insight and a more positive relationship within yourself toward yourself and toward others. Let me give you two directories to look at that are good. You should focus on finding a psychologist or psychotherapist in your area who practices in a psychodynamic orientation. That's for gaining insight into yourself and your behavior.

Here is the web address for Psychology Today's therapist directory. You can sort by zip codes and when you see someone who seems like they might be helpful (because they seem smart and not so easily manipulatable!) look at the listing and see if they list psychodynamic therapy in their orientations.

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

Good Therapy is a non profit directory. Same idea as the one above:

http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html


I want to make sure again that you recognize how remarkable your story is. You have survived much, you have acted honorably, you have learned much, you have been creative and have expressed your creativity. You may be ready for an even deeper exploration of your own self and life.


Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5155
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
Dr. Mark and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome. I truly meant every word: you have much to give to the world.


All the best to you,

Dr. Mark

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Dr. Mark
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Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice