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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband and I are trying to get back together. He has hurt

Customer Question

My husband and I are trying to get back together. He has hurt me deeply and periodically I have flashback explosions. HE says I have apologized 1000 times. I realized I need him to listen, take responsibility and be nice. He does it sometimes. Is what I need reasonable?
I feel he wants to escape with just I am sorry. Six years of verbal abuse doesn't get such an easy pass to me. I want a reality check on myself.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Your husband needs to do more than just apologize. If he has verbally abused you, then saying he is sorry is the first step. Once he does that, he needs to show you that he means what he says. That includes no longer verbally abusing you, respecting you and overall changing his behavior towards you. He also needs to regain your trust. Being verbally abused means that you lose trust in that person because you can no longer rely on them to put your needs first. Someone who abuses always puts their own needs before yours. So your husband needs to show that he is willing to put you first and treat you as you deserve.

You may benefit from seeing a therapist together if your husband is not willing to listen to your needs. Learning how to communicate and treat you better will help your husband repair the damage his behavior has done to you and your marriage. But if he will not go to therapy, consider going on your own. You need the support and someone to talk to about how you want to deal with your husband's behavior.

To find a therapist, talk to your doctor about a referral. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php.

Learning more about verbal abuse can help as well. Here are some resources to help:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2013/signs-you-are-verbally-abused-part-i/

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


What you wrote pretty much is what I wrote him. I am in therapy and she suggested going together. I have been going 2.5 years. Is it reasonable to ask him to sit and listen to my outbursts when they happen? I find that I dont' want to hurt him, but at the same time I am disrespecting myself by not expressing sometimes. I try and filter and deal with lot myself.


As far as his behavior - I made it clear it's non negotiable that he go regardless if he thinks. He has wormed out and I served papers. I just get a little lost with if it's fair for me to ask him to listent to me. One more thing. I am afraid to go together because I am afraid I will jump across the room and strangle him if I see him trying to justify his behaviour. Do you think we can resolve if he just go seperately?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It sounds like you have a lot of deep hurt and anger towards him about what he did. It may be hard for him to take that in when you tell him about it, even though you do deserve to express your feelings. It might be easier to express these feelings either with the therapist on hand or through other means such as writing a letter to him. That way, he can take time to process your emotions and respond to you in a way that helps you both.

The therapist should help you deal with your emotions enough in therapy where you don't end up wanting to hurt your husband. Although those feelings are there, there is probably a lot of hurt as well. The therapist should help you process those feelings so you can communicate them better to your husband.

You might want to try a controlled separation if you feel that being apart might help you recover. Here is a resource to help you decide if it might work for you:

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/separation/f/controlledsep.htm

It is hard to tell without knowing your situation personally if a separation might work, but it could be worth a try.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thanks Kate. I am sure I will be back w/ more questions!

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I look forward to hearing from you again! Take care.

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