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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello, I am a 20 year old female. I was in a 5 year long

Customer Question

Hello,

I am a 20 year old female. I was in a 5 year long relationship with a now 21 year old male. During the course of our relationship I was constantly being accused of infidelity, being gay because I did not wish to have sex, verbally mistreated, manipulated, physically harmed once due to somewhat intentionally provoking, and forced to have intercourse several times. I am 4 months in recovery from the last forced encounter and 4 months out of the relationship. I am snuggling to decide if I need treatment or counseling as sometimes I feel fine and others not. Struggling with how much I a responsible/ feeling of deserving the maltreatment, and whether not I should or can press changes against my ex. I am unsure what to classify the sexual mistreatment as, as it once was consensual and then was no longer.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Your description of your relationship sounds like you were being emotionally, sexually and physically abused. Anytime you can describe being verbally abused because you did now want to have sex, manipulated, physically harmed and forced against your will to have sex, it is a sign that you are in an abusive relationship. You should instead feel taken care of, loved and safe. But that is not what you felt with this person. Just the fact that you are currently in recovery from this relationship tells you a lot about how bad it was.

It is very common for someone who is abused to question how much of it was caused by their own behavior. But no matter what you did or said in the relationship, you never deserve to be treated as you describe. No one does. What he did to you was wrong and nothing you could have done would have made you deserve the treatment you got as a result. What he did to you was abuse and totally his fault.

It is a good idea that you are considering therapy. Talking to a therapist about what you feel can not only provide much needed support, but it can help you sort out your emotions so you are more clear on what you want and what you need. A therapist who has a Master's degree or Ph.D and who is experienced in abusive relationships would be the best choice. To find a therapist, talk with your doctor for a referral. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php.

Also, consider learning more about abusive relationships and how they affect you. THe more you know, the more you can recognize what you have been through and the fact that you are not alone in what you feel. Here are some resources to help:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Gregory L. Ph.D. Jantz and Ann McMurray

It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock

Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) by Mari McCaig MSW and Edward S. Kubany PhD ABPP

Also, consider support groups either on line or in person. Talking to others who have been through abusive relationships like yours can help you heal.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Kate,


 


Thank you very much. Have a great week!

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You're very welcome! Here are some on line support groups that might help you:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

http://healing-from-an-abusive-relationship.meetup.com/

Kate







May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the positive rating! Take care and if I can ever help again, please let me know.

My best to you,
Kate

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