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Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My daughter has a boyfriend who thinks, along with his mother

Resolved Question:

My daughter has a boyfriend who thinks, along with his mother that she is depressed. They are giving her print-outs and texting her constantly about it. She is almost 18years old. I see no signs of depression in her. She is focused, active a top student, caring, loving and kind. Outgoing, honest, helpful, loves conversations with interesting adults and the older generations. She is so well rounded & liked by our family, teachers and friends. I think the mother is trying to drive a stake through their relationship, because my daughter has(for the 1st.time) captured her "dear son" I don't know how to deal w/ it/him/her. It borders on abuse/aggression.

 

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It does sound like your daughter's boyfriend and his mother are trying to label your daughter for some reason. And it could be that the boyfriend's mother wants to label your daughter because she feels threatened by her. It could also indicate that the boyfriend and his mother have some sort of pathology going on in their family that allows them to behave in this manner.

If this is behavior that your daughter is putting up with already in her relationship, it is not a good sign. For a mother to be that invested in her son's relationship and that insistent than something is wrong with your daughter indicates that there is probably serious pathology going on at least with the mother, if not with the son as well. For your daughter to continue this relationship it may mean that she is subjected to more and more of this type of behavior. And it does seem to border on emotional abuse.

Your daughter sounds like a healthy well rounded young woman. As you described her, I could see no indications of any type of depression. Her behavior says she is emotionally balanced. If there were true signs of depression, then you would see them even before her boyfriend and his mother noticed.

If possible, talk to your daughter about your concerns. Also, show her our conversation. Let her know that if she is already seeing signs of behavior like this from her boyfriend, then she may be heading into a very abusive relationship, one that would be more difficult to escape as she stays with this boy. It is much better she leaves the relationship now and heals from the loss than she tries to leave further down the road when she is even more emotionally involved.

In the end, however, it is up to her what she decides to do. Knowing that she has you to turn to will help a lot. You can also help by learning more about the signs of domestic abuse. The more you know, the more you can see the signs and help her in case she cannot help herself. Here are some resources to help:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://www.thehotline.org/

http://www.domesticviolence.org/

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you. One last question. I find it very disturbing that neither the boyfriend, and especially the mother, reached out to me, or discussed with me their planned approach(attack) before any of this took place. If they were truly concerned, they know I am very involved with my daughter. It's just me & her and happy pets at home.


Should I let it go and not contact this woman?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
The fact that they never recognized your authority as the parent indicates the likelihood that this is possibly a pathology between your daughter's boyfriend and his mother. Normal behavior would have been to notify you so you could address this with your daughter. But since neither her boyfriend or mother came to you, then it seems even more likely that this is some type of abuse or emotional issue with the two of them. And in that case, contacting the mother would only feed the issue. Plus if she is emotionally unstable, it might make her react in a negative way towards you and/or your daughter.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you. I never did this before, but very glad I did. Also, that I met with such a clear and concise expert as you. If I ever do it again, "Kate" will be at the beginning of my new "?"

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you! That was a very kind thing for you to say. I appreciate it. I was happy to help. I hope everything works out for your daughter. It's good she has you to be there for her.

My best to you both,

Kate

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