all of the above. i still obess about all the years i tried to make relationship work; all the years i stayed in meaningless relationship. the only thing iv'e come away with through therapy was that deb was my first love and i grieved for that specialness and; i was just not strong enough nor prepared to leave.
iv'e had some major traumas as a child, adolescent. i was verbally, emotionly, physically, and sexully abused by cathoilic nuns and priests. i was also physically abused by 2 brothers, one 4 years older, one 4 years younger. my prevolent and long lasting was being suffocated with a pillow by my older brother. this might happen daily, some times weekly. it started as far back as i can remember (age 3 or 4). when my brother was in high school and away at college it didn't happen very often but, i do have a memory of us at a lake when i was 18 and he 22. i have recently started recalling other things he did; like get me in choke holds and made me yell "give or uncle". also, locked me in closets and tell me the boogy man was in there. he loved to tell me it was time for my daily torture. through therapy i realized he could have killed me. emdr didn't help with this.
in 2005, i litigated against the priest and church. in compiling my interogatories; i compiled that i had seen over 40 therapists and 12 psychiatrist. obviously some for not very long but, i times i was so depressed and anxious and suicidal i was seeing 3 therapists at same time period and they not knowing.
i'm not sure about not internalizing. i work hard at therapy. i do every thing they tell me ; i journal; read books; listen to tapes; open up.