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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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I feel like I am in danger of destroying my relationship. I

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I feel like I am in danger of destroying my relationship. I am a young woman, and I have been in a realtionship with a guy a couple of years older than me for a little more than a year. Overall, he is loving, loyal, compassionate, and everything I have ever wanted and more, but it's not good enough. I feel like he does not show me he loves me enough. This idea usually stems from him not calling or texting me soon enough during the day, him not showing me the "right" amount of affection, him not saying the "right" thing... I know it sounds stupid, but at the heat of the moment when I 'm trapped by all of these negative emotions, I just feel angry, betrayed, and completely vulnerable. My biggest fear is that he doesn't love me, or one day he will wake up and stop loving me. I worry about this all the time. I feel the need for him to prove his love on a daily basis, and if he doesn't prove it to me daily, I freak out which puts a strain on our relationship. What can I do to stop this?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question.

It's definitely a good thing that you've been able to identify this problem, and that will help you to avoid destroying relationships now and in the future. It sounds like are looking for him to express his love for you in the ways that would make you most comfortable, and when he doesn't do that, I can see how that would make you feel angry, betrayed, and vulnerable. Part of getting past this is allowing yourself to trust your current boyfriend, and accepting that despite not showing his love in the way you most like to receive it, that doesn't mean that he loves you any less.

After having been through an abusive relationship, it can be hard to build up that level of trust in someone. It is actually possible to start to sabotage good relationships as you grow closer, because that can be a very scary feeling if the last person you trusted abused you, and it is easy to become very anxious at the first sign that something may be wrong. It sounds like you have made a lot of progress in getting through some of these issues, and I'd encourage you to continue on that path. Getting past the point where some of these negative thoughts stop surfacing can take some time, however, the more you are able to keep it all in perspective and continue to try and put your trust in people you know are trustworthy, the easier it will become over time.

Right now it may help to talk to your boyfriend and acknowledge that you've been struggling on this. If he can have more patience with you when you have these insecurities, that can be a big help. Unfortunately this is likely a problem that is the result of things that happened prior to this relationship, so if he can avoid taking it personally and work with you, that can make a big difference and solidify that trust.
I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you. That was very helpful. He knows about my past and has been patient with me for a while, but I think his patience is wearing thin - he has said so himself. He is very kind to me, open and honest, and has never been abusive, but when we get into arguments as a result of my insecurities, he gets so angry and frustrated with me now that he raises his voice and says things that really upset me and hurt my feelings. The other day during one of these arguments, he said that I have used up all his patience and that we will not last if this continues. And this morning after we got into another argument he said that he is bugged by my "overreacting, negativity, drama queen attitude, and whining." I don't blame him at all for feeling this way. It just hurts to hear that because I don't want to come off as that type of person, nor do I want him to think these things about me. I want things to be how they were at the beginning of the relationship when I was carefree and felt like I had nothing to lose because I was not emotionally invested. He has even said, which hurts like hell, that he misses how I was in the beginning of the relationship.I am afraid that he has started to form a negative opinion of me. I just feel like a mess of doubt and negative emotions. Now that I have put everything I have into this relationship, I am just afraid of it going up in smoke.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
I definitely understand your concern. Knowing that this is a problem, the natural tendency would be to worry more and become more anxious and insecure, when it sounds like what is really necessary is to loosen up and relax. It is easy for things to spiral out of control by overcompensating for those fears, but if you know things worked better in the beginning of the relationship, it may only be a matter of incorporating some of those things that have already been proven to make this relationship work properly. It's hard to make certain feelings and anxieties go away completely because of what you've been through in the past, but if you can avoid acting on them and avoid some of the actual behaviors that have caused the problems, you may see things start to improve in the short term which will start to boost your confidence. Once you see for yourself that things begin to function more smoothly, it will help to alleviate some of those underlying anxieties. Hang in there and good luck with everything,

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you so much for your help.


 


-Bianca

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
I'm glad I could help Bianca and I hope it all goes well. If you wouldn't mind leaving me a positive review for my time I'd really appreciate it. All the best,

Ryan
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
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