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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I tell my sister to stop calling me names or stop badgering

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I tell my sister to stop calling me names or stop badgering me and when you spitefully keeps at it I explode to make her right about the stupid things she says even if it's not true I wan to make her right to see how she likes it... She won't stop pressing me, badgering me, and when I tell he to stop talking to me she gets worse then I get worse... Help I don't want to have anything to do with her. It's been 35 years and I'm tire of her and her unsupportive judgmental name calling: I've become verbally abusive to her just to get her back... :( unhappy here. Want to leave and never come back
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It does sound like your sister might have a personality disorder. When someone acts as she does towards others like name calling, provoking fights and hurting then it is possible they have a personality disorder. Your sister might be provoking you because she gets something out of getting you upset. Once she does upset you, she gets to feel like she is the right one. She may also have a sense of control because she feels she can "make" you get upset.

Personality disorders are typically ingrained behaviors that someone develops, usually in response to being raised in a dysfunctional home. The person could not get their needs met (for unconditional love and attention) so they developed other ways to get what they needed which usually involved dysfunctional behaviors. When they grew up, they continued these behaviors even when they were no longer needed.

Knowing what your sister might have and how to react to her behavior can help. While there is no way to diagnose her without seeing her for an evaluation, the behavior you describe sounds like narcissistic or borderline type. Here is a link that can help you figure out what she might have:

http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders

Many people can have some traits of one personality disorder or they can have some traits of a couple of personality disorders. By finding a personality disorder that seems to fit, you can at least know what you might be dealing with.

When dealing with someone with a personality disorder, it is helpful to keep in mind that they are not reacting to who you are as a person or even what you are doing. They are going by cues they learned long ago on how to relate to their world. And their responses can seem overwhelming and out of touch with the actual situation. They can also be very hurtful and hard to cope with.

If your sister won't get help or change in any way (common with someone with a personality disorder), you may have to change how you interact with her. One thing that helps is to see what she does as about her own issues and not you. Also, think of one phrase you can say to her that neutralizes anything she might say. such as "I'm sorry you feel that way". That usually shuts down the person and you can make a quick exit out of the situation. It helps to leave when she begins to try to provoke you as well. If you just leave, there is not much she can do. You can also try to stay neutral and not give her the response she wants. It may also help to take someone with you when you see your sister for support. Or try to avoid seeing your sister unless it's necessary. It is ok to protect yourself from her. You should not be forced to be with her if she is going to try to hurt you all the time.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
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