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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5798
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My partner and me have been together six years, in this time

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My partner and me have been together six years, in this time we have been through a lot. I am no angel and don't pretend to be. Over two years ago I fell in love with another man who was not from this country. I was hurting from emotional torment of my partner where he wouldn't give me a definite commitment and thought in my head I could get it elsewhere. Well cut a long story short, I admitted all to my current partner, and he was hurt obviously. Around this time his mothers death took place and I wasn't there for him, as clearly he points out in every argument. I had no contact with this man and was hurting myself. So when two years later I thought we were over the worst of it and was prepared to allow myself to forgive myself and move on, I noticed he was still all over the place. I tried communicating with him, getting him to open up and apologise for what had happened and tried to get communication flowing. Yet two weeks later I looked through his phone for the first time in weeks, where I found a picture of a half naked woman he proposes nothing happened with and they were in college together. I was utterly broken, yes I'd done what I'd done but wanted clarity and openness to assess whether we had a future. Furthermore I was looking at him and talking to him to see him staring past me transparently, gawping at a blonde female. This really jilted my confidence and made me feel inadequate. Not only that but he'd also signed up for a sex meet site which makes me wonder if he has really cheated on me. He says he went on there to look but didnt meet up with anyone. I have been transparent and said if there's anything I need to know please tell me. Yet he doesn't, as the other day I find all his history on his computer deleted and another dating site pops up. My family thinks he's amazing and he says he's committed himself to just me, I feel so wounded.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem.

It sounds like your boyfriend was not able to deal with the relationship you had with the other man so instead of focusing his energies on repairing your relationship, he went outside of it. He is either trying to hurt you for hurting him, or he is not able to cope with his own pain and is trying to find solace in other relationships.

If he continually brings up the relationship you had before, that means he is still not able to let it go. The pain is still there for him. You have apologized and tried to make amends so at this point it is up to him to work with you to rebuild the trust between you and repair the relationship. But if he is going outside of your relationship and possibly cheating, then it is only going to make your relationship difficult to repair.

There must be trust between you both in order for you to have a solid relationship. Right now, there is no trust. In order to rebuild it, talk to your partner about ending all this contacts with other women. He needs to be serious about letting go and focusing on you and the relationship. If he can do that then you both can work on rebuilding trust. But if he cannot or won't stop, then he leaves you with a choice- whether to stay and deal with his behavior or to leave and end things with him.

Here are some resources to help you both work on the trust between you:

The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships by Cynthia Lynn Wall LCSW and Sue Patton Thoele

Building Trust: How To Get It! How To Keep It! by Hyler Bracey Ph.D.

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After
Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli.

You can find these both on or your local library may have them.

Also, you might want to consider therapy to help you both learn to communicate again and to get you started on learning to trust again.

I hope this has helped you,
TherapistMarryAnn and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you,

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