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Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5419
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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After 8 months in my relationship (both adults 41yr woman &

Customer Question

After 8 months in my relationship (both adults 41yr woman & 53yr old man, my boyfriend said something was missing in our relationship, but wanted to continue to see how it goes. I asked him not to contact me for 90 days and stated this would give me time to heal and move on, and he flipped out and said he still wants me in his life and loves me, but I don't want to be with a man who doubts his feelings for me & I said that...he said he was "confused". I stuck to my guns & told him no contact for 90 days should give him plenty of time to decide how he feels & if he contacts me in the interim, the 90 days will start from that point again. He left me with "I love you, and repeated I will be thinking of you twice, but i will respect your wishes." This was two weeks ago. Is this in your opinion the best way for the dumpee to handle a situation like this?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

If you feel it was better for you to have no contact so you can heal and move on, then what you did was fine to do. It is understandable that you do not want your partner to have doubts about being with you. That leaves you in a bad position. You don't know if the person is going to stay or go, or continue to have doubts. And sometimes that kills the relationship right away. Most people do not like to be "put on hold" in the relationship while the other person makes up their mind.

What you did gave both of you a definitive answer. You took the not knowing part out of the relationship and ended it before he could. That also gave you some control so you didn't end up on the receiving end of a goodbye. Plus by doing this, you allow your partner to see if moving on was the best option for him as well.

After the 90 days are done, you can always see what your partner decides about his feelings. And if you are confident that letting him back in will result in a solid relationship, then it may be worth a try. But if not, then by the time 90 days comes, you may be ready to move on for good.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate




May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5419
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Can I help you any further?

Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and generous bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Kate,Thank you. It is still very fresh as I was blindsided by this. I get anxiety and could not bare being a stand-by girlfriend. I wonder if his sudden "change of heart" was only because like you said, I kind of took control of the situation. (I felt I had no choice really).

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I think you are right. He may have felt in control when he was the one deciding how the relationship was going to be, but when you decided for him, that caused him to feel out of control so he tried to gain it back by what he said to you about still wanting you in his life. It is probably a very good thing that you did decide to do what you did. Anytime you feel in control and make your own decision, even if it is a hard one like this, you are going to heal faster and easier from it became you had a say so in the decision.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5419
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the additional rating and bonus! You are very kind. Be good to yourself while you heal. You did a good thing for yourself in the relationship.

If I can ever be of assistance again, let me know by putting "for Kate" in front of your question and I will respond.

Kate

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