Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It is understandable that you feel so hurt and angry. Your mother sounds like a manipulator who put herself first your entire life. And she hurt you and others like your father in very deep and painful ways just to get the attention she wants.
When someone lies like your mother has, it usually indicates a personality disorder. Personality disorders are typically ingrained behaviors that someone develops, usually in response to being raised in a dysfunctional home. The person could not get their needs met (for unconditional love and attention) so they developed other ways to get what they needed which usually involved dysfunctional behaviors. When they grew up, they continued these behaviors even when they were no longer needed. In your mother's case, it sounds like she might have been deprived of attention when she was a child so now she does whatever it takes to get lots of attention which never satisfies her needs. While that is understandable, it does not excuse her painful and deceitful behavior towards you.
Knowing what your mother might have and how to react to her behavior can help. While there is no way to diagnose her without seeing her for an evaluation, the behavior you describe sounds like narcissistic or borderline type. Here is a link that can help you figure out what she might have:
Many people can have some traits of one personality disorder or they can have some traits of a couple of personality disorders. By finding a personality disorder that seems to fit, you can at least know what you might be dealing with.
When dealing with someone with a personality disorder, it is helpful to keep in mind that they are not reacting to who you are as a person or even what you are doing. They are going by cues they learned long ago on how to relate to their world. And their responses can seem overwhelming and out of touch with the actual situation. They can also be very hurtful and hard to cope with.
If your mother won't get help or change in any way (common with someone with a personality disorder), you may have to change how you interact with her. One thing that helps is to see what she does as about her own issues and not you. Also, think of one phrase you can say to her that neutralizes anything she might say. such as "I'm sorry you feel that way". That usually shuts down the person and you can make a quick exit out of the situation.
Also, it may help to realize that just because she is your mother does not mean you must subject yourself to her behavior. Many physically and emotionally abused adult children feel an obligation to have contact with their parents just because they are their parents. But if you are continually being hurt by her and there is no sign she is working in this issue, then it is ok to protect yourself and not have contact with her.
Here are some resources to help you:
Therapy is also a great option to help you work through your anger and provide support. It is very common for adult children who have been abused to feel shame, anger, depression and anxiety
. Therapy can help you work through these feelings and learn new ways to cope. To find a therapist, talk to your doctor. Or you can search on line at http://www.goodtherapy.com.au/.
I hope this has helped you,
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